No contact as a trigger for self hatred?

[ah]

This is something I'm so ashamed of that I've been having a hard time trying to write about it here.

People seem to talk about NC as an empowering experience. Painful, but necessary and a source of inner strength and growth. I guess to me it also has a deeper, evil side to it that I can barely tolerate.

I was wondering if anyone else feels this way.

No contact is extremely triggering to me, it sends me into endless spins of flashbacks. Just remembering it can be torturous. Any mention of FOO lately is like knives in my heart.

Part of it is probably that I've always had very low contact with FOO. At a certain point not long ago I turned it into no contact but I never formally said so to FOO, because I saw no point in saying anything, there's no one to tell. I'd have just been ignored by some and viciously attacked by others (not sure which is worse, ignored is worse, I think) so I just said nothing ever again.
Most of FOO said nothing right back. Some attacked even harder for a while when they realized I was even more distant than ever.

So to my ICr, it feels like mutual NC. As though while I don't talk to them, they don't talk to me either for the same reasons. And this thought feeds my self hatred so strongly I can barely take it.

I won't talk to FOO again, so I won't get attempted relief by fawning and begging them to forgive me (though I've caught myself wanting to, more than once).

I think of NC and I feel as though I turned things around in my head and all along it was FOO who had to cut ties with me, because I'm unbearable, evil and monstrous.

I think: "So... all the advice in the books you read lately that explains NC? This is what they're doing with you. They've gone NC with you. See how revolting you are that they've had to resort to this?"

Or as they've told me some years back before I stopped having contact with them, in a perfectly sensible tone: "If we invited you to the family reunion we'd have a problem, see? Then your siblings would refuse to enter the room because you'd filthy it with your presence." or something to that effect.
I tell myself speaking to me that way my whole life is abusive, but it doesn't help much.

Not sure what I think, only that it's awful self hatred and I've been having a really hard time with it. Stuck deep in it.

[Dee]

I can understand this.  When my dad went to prison my mom and my sister disowned me.  It was NC, but not by choice.  It was horrible, I felt abandoned, alone, ostracized, cold.  It was secondary wounding.  At that time I was young and would have done almost anything to get them back.  It took a few years, but they took me back, strings attached of course.  I feel that is different from it being a choice.

Now, I admire those that do go NC.  After that experience at 17 and 18 I'm afraid of feeling that way again.  My T tells me it isn't the same.  I think it is about taking control of being NC, that can be powerful, healing.  Doing it for ones own welfare, not because of being shunned.  It is a different thing.

[Blueberry]

ah, I just want to send you  Feel too confused atm personally to say anything further. Except I guess I question myself too on my VVVLC. Turn it around on myself etc. I think it's an EF in my case until I can sort things out further.

[Three Roses]

I'm baffled again and again when I hear that people say things like that to their own family! You should've been nurtured, treasured, valued.  to you, ah.

[DecimalRocket]

Well, ah, here's something for you.



All I've ever seen from you is kindness and compassion. Lots of people who get exposed to abuse develop a deep hatred of everyone else, but you managed to still have a caring heart with that. You recognize your possible mistakes. You take your time to listen, understand and deeply make sense of other's experiences. Your posts tend to have a caring amount of in depth ideas and reflection. You've clearly did what you can to understand your own situation seeing how much insights you've shared with others you can use.

You said the same thing to me. Monsters don't worry about being monsters. Monsters often put all the blame on others, and you put too much blame on yourself. I hope that you can take it easier with yourself. You're deeply hurting, and you need all the compassion you can get. Even if you weren't as kind, you'd still deserve kindness as a human being.

You've been special to me, Ah - helping me figure out my way in life and standing by me. You've seen me, and I see you too.

[sanmagic7]

dear ah, it's so true that real monsters don't question whether they actually are or not. 

my sister did the same thing to me many years ago.  she moved across the country to get away from me as if i was so terrible she couldn't stand to be near me.  it happened because of an argument, but i was forced into that nc that wasn't my choice.  i did try to make things right, wrote a long apology, never got an answer.

someone mentioned being shunned - yes, that's exactly what it feels like, and i know that some communities use 'shunning' as their worst punishment toward someone who breaks the rules.  it's a horrible feeling, and when we're not sure what's going on, it does make us doubt ourselves.

those messages from family, no, wrong.  this is really painful.  i've been lied about - and i see what you heard from foo as lies, also, cuz you're here, you're caring, helping, supporting, and being kind - and it hurts in the worst way.  please, don't take it out on yourself.  you didn't deserve it from them, and you certainly don't deserve it from yourself.  we're here giving witness that what they said just isn't true about you.  it's their own issues speaking, not anything you are.

warm, caring hug filled with compassion.  this just saddens my heart to hear what they said about you.  no no  no

[Blueberry]

Well, ah, here's something for you.

All I've ever seen from you is kindness and compassion. Lots of people who get exposed to abuse develop a deep hatred of everyone else, but you managed to still have a caring heart with that. You recognize your possible mistakes. You take your time to listen, understand and deeply make sense of other's experiences. Your posts tend to have a caring amount of in depth ideas and reflection. You've clearly did what you can to understand your own situation seeing how much insights you've shared with others you can use.

You said the same thing to me. Monsters don't worry about being monsters. Monsters often put all the blame on others, and you put too much blame on yourself. I hope that you can take it easier with yourself. You're deeply hurting, and you need all the compassion you can get. Even if you weren't as kind, you'd still deserve kindness as a human being.

    DR has great words for what I want to say.

from me too

[Hope67]

I agree, so much with things people have said, and I think that Decimal Rocket encapsulated so many things - and glad that Blueberry has quoted those things - and I found reading this post really touching emotionally - because it all resonates with me, and touches my heart.

I relate to what you're saying Ah - and I have seen your replies to people and the things you say, and you are kind and compassionate. 

to you.

Hope 

[fullofsoundandfury]

NC is so weird and hard from all angles.

Time. Things change over time. NC is the only way for me to get better. The triggering by their presence is profound. Even when they are being 'nice', I cannot tolerate them. I will never, EVER get better if I have contact. That is just me and I have come to terms with that now. I don't have any guilt left about it.

8 years ago was when I first went NC and I am only now, as in, over the past few days, fully accepting of that situation. In that time I've oscillated between contact and no contact. When a bad disaster happens I m always alerted by a family member, police officer or hospital, I intervene then disappear again.

My FOO is different to yours and it promoted a whole host of different problems. They would never go NC and think I am a heartless, deranged lunatic for doing it. **TRIGGER WARNING* In their worldview, even if a family member is a rapist, violent, abusive, betrays you, manipulates you, lies to you, puts you in hospital with beatings, whatever, you never leave them and nothing is ever addressed and there can never be any honesty or accountability.**END TRIGGER** That's what has kept this whole sick inter-generational horror going.
One time a parent was about to be released from jail and I fled town and moved somewhere else to disappear. They hunted me down and showed up at my door to try to talk me into coming back into the fold, as a large group! They were obsessive about me coming back. It was not because they care about me, know who I am, or enjoy me as a human. They do not see any worth or value in me. I am like a chess piece. I'm a prop. They don't like what it means when I leave them.

They will say "I love you" but they do not. They say that as a manipulation. They will say "I love you" then hang up the phone and talk at length with each other about how bad I am. Or the next time I see them they will be telling me how bad I am, or trying to get me to do something for them. I see now, after time has elapsed and the emotional turmoil has cleared, that this is not personal and they do the same things to each other. The magic words "I want you in my life and I love you" are not truly what you want to hear. If your family has gone NC you have been spared.

So, there are benefits when they go NC too. Just for another perspective.

These people (our FOOS) are deeply, deeply unwell. They will never love us. Those are hard things to come to grips with. Going through that process of realizing these terrible things is eventually very freeing.

As for your own self - IS there stuff you have done that was abusive, cruel or horrible? If so, face it and reconcile it and forgive it in an honest and deep way, preferably with a good T or some good support. Like for me, one time I grabbed my sister by the arm in a fury and shouted over and over "WHY DO YOU DO THIS?!" because I was beginning to awaken to her coercive gas lighting and I lost my patience. I suddenly saw, as clear as day, exactly how she traps me and others in this dreadful web designed to make us feel deeply bad about ourselves. I saw it and I lost it. I'm sure it was the fury emanating from my body that was the worst thing. It really scared her. I added to her trauma. I re-enacted violence from our childhoods by grabbing her arm. She went NC with ME after that and I experienced the same acute excruciating pain you describe. Now she wants contact again. Round and round we go.
I had to face that incident when I was ready and look at it deeply and when I did, it was one less self-hatred molecule inside.

If you can't find anything you've done that you could feel guilty about, they have brainwashed you. If the feeling is just that you are inherently, deeply, inexplicably bad, it's not true. It's them. They have given that to you. 

I think the worst abuse is the confusion and self doubt they create.

You are very clearly the scapegoat. I am so, so sorry. That is torturous. I hope hugs are safe for you - I really want to send you a huge warm hug. The thing they said to you about why they hadn't invited you somewhere is coming from the mind of a very confused, very ugly person.

By the way, there is science as to why this hurts so much. There are physical reasons for it. Tian Dayton has written all about it.

It will pass sweetheart. Time. Time and applying reason and logic.

[Rainagain]

Ah,
I think your posts are perceptive and thoughtful, you are no monster, you have been done over by others, don't let them blame you on top of it all.

I'm glad so many good people have already said so in this post.

I've experienced situations where people want revenge on me for wrongs they have done me, it is madness but they seem to genuinely feel justified in attacking their initial victim as retaliation for nothing at all. I'm just glad I'm not them. I'm glad you aren't like them and you should be too.