A memory (slight TW)

[Sceal]

I wrote in my journal that I regressed to the age of 14 in a recent therapy session and for me that was peculiar. The dissociation was different than what it normally tends to go. I've concluded it's because it was a different trigger. I also wrote in my journal that my T is trying to teach me about dissociation. And I was l just lying in bed thinking about things. And I started to write down a lengthy explanation for a question when something occurred to me.

I regressed to the age of 14 because I was scared. My pattern of behaviour became the same as when I started seeing things that weren't real. I waited for other people to react, to speak, to think, to have an opinion before I had one. I needed at that time to not gain attention. But I thought it weird... Surely I didn't start seeing things until I was 16-17? Right?  But then I remembered.
Around the age of 14 I would sometimes see the ceiling in the school building as noodles or spaghetti. I found it funny. I got some weird looks, but that wasn't unusual. But more than that, it was also the same time that we had the class of sexual education. What happened to me then, was that I hallucinated. My classmates became frogs and kangaroos.
I had forgotten about that.
But I guess I had a reason for why my brain stopped working properly when I was forced to sit down and talk about sex, so my brain did what it could to take me away from being present.

[Blueberry]

These kinds of realisations often help me even though they can be frightening or emotionally painful. A bit like puzzle pieces clicking into place. I hope it is the same for you.

Dissociation had its purpose! Took you out of the present, as you say.

[Sceal]

I hope you are right too, blueberry!
That the realisation will be of future help.

I just wish I knew why I still dissociate, I don't know what's triggering me these days. And I'm having a hard time differenciate between and EF and certain kinds of dissociation

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
I have dissociated to a different age before too.  For me, it most times has a pretty strong trigger. 
I have also dissociated when I was very scared.  It goes back to mind wanting to protect my body from the bad things that were happening. Now it's just extremely uncomfortable when it happens.
One common trigger I found was that If I bottle up my emotions too much, I am more likely to dissociate.  As much as it sucks, I try to talk to a therapist or trusted friend more when I get like that.  I find that letting out a little air can help me from dissociating.
Best wishes,
Deep Blue

[DecimalRocket]

Ah, Sceal. That sounds tough.

It's rare, but at times I dissociate to an earlier age too. I completely forget the present and think I'm younger for a bit. It's terrifying.

I guess awareness can come only through time, and I trust that time can make progress with you.

Take care.

[sanmagic7]

sceal, i'm glad for your realization because i believe they always can help us somewhere along the line.  sounds like it was a biggie, too.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[Sceal]

Thank you Rocket and San

DeepBlue, do you intentionally bottle up your emotions, or does it just happen?
I think when I dissapear outside of the tolerance window that's when I dissociate the most. Especially if it's below, but again.. I tend not to remember what happened right before. So I don't know what I feel as I dissociate.

[Deep Blue]

Sceal,
I do not intentionally bottle my emotions.  It just happens. I'm usually ok with anger, anger feels better so it tends to come out.  It's typically sadness and fear that tend to get bottled up.  I can't help it though... I just don't cry... like I can't.  Something can be really sad and the tears just don't come.  It's like the switchboard for that emotion are turned off.

[Sceal]

Deep Blue,
A lady at the SA center that I go to say that it is normal in the beginning of trauma therapy to lose touch with ones emotion. I've disconnected from them. I can see my body react, but I don't actually feel the emotions. It's very strange.
I don't feel anger though, on a general basis. Not even when I somewhat are connected with my emotions, anger is one I've never allowed myself to feel.  It's interessting how we contain some emotions, but not others.

[Deep Blue]

Trigger warning**** physical abuse


I wonder if it goes back to the cause of our CPTSD? When I was being abused, I was not allowed to yell out.  If I cried or yelled in pain, the abuse was much worse, often we started over...

I can't really write more... sorry... I'm barely hanging on the last few days.

[Sceal]

Thank you for taking time to share with my Deep blue. I am so sorry to hear you're going through a really rough time right now.
I hope they will look up for you soon.  if it is okay?