Low contact with toxic family members

[Londongal]

Hi,

I started to go low contact with with toxic family members a few months back. I didn't realise there was a term for it, or that it was a thing at the time of doing it, what drove me was my need to protect and preserve my recovery. One of my family members specialises in guilt trips and martyrdom and has tried to to make me feel bad for distancibg myself... but I feel a lot better. For almost 20 years, I felt stuck in a cycle of being the fixer, appeaser and parent, and am in a way grateful for an event two years ago that triggered flashbacks and hyper vigiliance that wasn't so bad all I'm could do was sleep, work and eat. I I was exhausted and had reached my absolute limit.

Following that, it took a couple of years of counselling and EMDR to get to the point of wanting to take care of me first.

It's not always easy being LC, it can feel quite 'grey' for me, being a 'black or white' person. But NC isn't a an option as I want to maintain contact as two of my siblings have children.

I'd be interested to hear how others find LC?

[finallyfree]

Hi Londongal,
I am low contact with one of my siblings and it takes a great deal of discipline for me to remain this way with her. She wants to inform me of things that will most definitely upset me and retraumatize me and I like you finally had to come to the  realization I must put myself and my health first. Above all of their self inflicted drama, chaos and abuse. This sibling still has contact with my former FOO. In my opinion she is just attempting to Hoover me back in and score points with them for getting me back into the perpetual scapegoating role for all of them. I feel to a certain extent sorry for this sibling, which is why I have not gone no contact. I learned sadly the hard way to put strict boundaries in place and not to deviate from them. Mainly because I know now they will never change and only continue to use, hurt and upset me. I hope this helps you a little. I didn't intend to go on about my situation, just thought explaining it might help you in some way. Take care of yourself!
Finallyfree 

[Kizzie]

"Driven" is a good word to describe why many of us go NC or LC Londongal.     I had to reach my limit too and finally did the only thing I could to protect my self.  It's wasn't a choice per se, it was the only thing I could do.

I am NC with everyone except my M and that's only because she is almost 90 and we live on the opposite coast so I am not in daily, f2f contact. I have boundaries in place but having NPD my M does test them.    It may be that as long as you're in contact with your siblings they may continue to push your boundaries.

One of my family members specialises in guilt trips and martyrdom and has tried to to make me feel bad for distancing myself

I don't know if your siblings have a PD but the tactics you describe are similar (using fear, obligation & guilt) so you may want to have a look over at our sister site Out of the FOG as they have some great strategies for dealing with people who FOG.