Peri-trauma vs. post-trauma: Expecting eggs

[wonderbumble]

(Note: Discussion of triggers, mental illness, abuse, dissociation, and mention of sexual abuse.)

A while ago, I was reading someone's review of how triggers can be formed. They gave one example of a woman who, during her abuse, was forced to cook eggs for her abuser every morning. After she escaped, even just looking at eggs became a trigger.

This particular comparison stuck with me. My abuser (my dad) has severe OCD, and his illness includes buying certain foods over and over and over. Since he makes it extremely hard for us to find and keep work, he controls the food. With every new list we make, he buys the wrong thing or squirrels the paper away and continues buying "OCD Items". Oftentimes, these OCD Items he chooses to purchase repeatedly have some kind of nostalgic value. In this case, he'd frequently make egg sandwiches in the morning when I was little. Fast forward 15 years, and we have found ourselves living on eggs and egg sandwiches every morning. If we're good, we get bagels.

This is one piece of a 365-day chaotic existence. There are many other behaviors and situations just like this one. And it got me thinking: What do you do when you are still in your peri-trauma era, on the cusp of finally getting out, and expecting eggs (new triggers)? How do you prepare yourself for the actual post-trauma? How do you prepare for what might be an avalanche of predictable and unpredictable triggers, hypervigilance, irritability, and anxiety?

Take this for example: My boyfriend and I are googly-eyed for each other--he is able to and wants to get both my mom and I out so we can live together. I didn't realize until very recently that if we begin to go further while making out, I begin to dissociate, even though I very much don't want to dissociate. I don't fall into the category of sexual abuse; nonetheless, the many years including lack of touch/affection both physically and emotionally, especially from male figures, have caught up with me. He's being more than wonderful with me, and we're working it out. Even so, something enjoyable and pleasurable that I want in the first place is a new trigger I have discovered and have to work through.

And that's the good news: These issues can be changed. But how do you prepare yourself for so much emotional work to come?

P.S.: This is a super helpful article on how to work through intimacy being a trigger for dissociation: http://www.sextherapyinphiladelphia.com/when-sex-is-a-trigger/

[Blueberry]

I think I tend to prepare myself by tripping myself up so that it doesn't work out.

Undoubtedly there are healthier ways.

One thing I also tend to do is try to move forward and heal in too many ways at once.

So one healthier way is to go more slowly, though ime this is a real pain. I also dissociate at the faintest touch or sexual anything even though the CSA was objectively-speaking very minor (but also very early childhood). There are wider and narrower definitions of (C)SA. But you say you are working through your triggers there.

General preparation: work on re-grounding, work on self-care especially in good phases because it's much harder in bad phases, work on using all 5 senses. Some of these overlap. And also accept self with those seeming limitations, if possible. e.g. once I figured out why I was dissociating at the thought of anything sexual, it was easier to accept myself as single etc.

[DecimalRocket]

. I've done a lot of work studying different coping skills for different situations. Such as talking to someone, meditating, accomplishing a small task, inner child work, and others that I adapt particularly to the situation.

Sometimes I need something more physical, intellectual or more directly emotional as a coping skill. Like body work for the physical, cognitive behavioral therapy for the intellectual, or loving kindness meditation for something more directly emotional.

Sometimes I have to figure out whether I would grow more by asking help, or whether I should rely on myself more. Sometimes I just had to let myself fall back a bit to an unhealthy coping skill just to take a break from all the use of my willpower.

Today, I prepare less, and adapt to the moment. I can never figure unexpected triggers that quickly, but I can figure out how to improvise and think on my feet when it's new. It's a type of practice that needs a lot of self awareness and trust in yourself to realize what you need in a specific situation.