Estella's Novus Prana

[Estella]

I'm starting my first recovery journal here at OOTS. Have been a bit quiet on the forums lately, just been feeling a little self-conscious. I hope to overcome that and gain back some confidence.

I realise that I've been in a rut lately. Trying to people please much of the time, wasting a lot of hours anticipating what others want from me but becoming stagnant and dull in my recovery process + overthinking and dwelling on the past.

I'm just about to go on a walk - and I want it to be the longest walk I can manage in one go. I have more walks planned for the rest of the day as well. Going to try to connect with my surroundings, going to appreciate the weather and any interactions on the way.

I'm calling this journal my new breath and I need to remember just that - keep my chin up and keep breathing no matter what I face in the day.

[sanmagic7]

so glad you decided to begin your journal, estella.  i hope it's helpful for you.  mine has been a great place to vent, get crapola out of me, and also get support and helpful feedback when i've gotten stuck.

i'm also a walker.  good for clearing my brain at times, plus i know it does well for me physically. 

and, forward!  love and hugs to you.

[Hope67]

Hi Estella,

Wishing you the best with your Journal - and hope that you are able to gain back some confidence, and also that you enjoyed your walk - connecting to your surroundings, appreciating the weather and hope you had some nice interactions on the way.

Calling your Journal 'Your new breath' - it is a refreshing title.  Wishing you well with it, to breath and keep breathing, no matter what you face in the day.

Hope 

[Estella]

Thanks, san and Hope.

I have worries about venting, but it's better to share these things then keep it all to myself.

Went on my longest walk by myself in about 5 years! Also went on a run by myself this morning, which is a first for me. Just got to keep it up now, along with giving up vaping (new breath fitted so well)  The fresh air is helping.

[sanmagic7]

you don't need to worry about venting here - this is your journal and is set up to be whatever you need that is helpful to you.  you can share whatever feels ok for you.  i've found it to be extremely useful and often clarifying.

so glad you're here, estella.  love and hugs to you.

[Estella]

thank you san, love and hugs right back at you.

I've been focussing on being calmer, trying to cope with my thoughts when frustrations or anxieties arise. What had been happening was because I've been pushing myself, my tolerance had been tested more frequently, I'd cope (just about) and then get a backlash of negative emotion and thinking. This would come out in accusations, anger, misunderstandings, bad language etc. which I mostly wrote in an offline diary. Keeping these thoughts in perspective helps.

Practising gratitude for all I have helps. I drew a wheel of gratitude in my bullet journal - listing as many things that I'm grateful for that I could. Now when I reach for my ecig, I try to think of the first one "I am grateful for my breath" and "I shouldn't be polluting my healthy lungs" and "this will affect my breathing and stamina on the next run" etc. If I can do this for the smaller things, hopefully, I will learn to defeat my bigger giants too.

[sanmagic7]

nice work, estella.  i think you've hit on a wonderful plan for yourself.  i really like the idea of beginning with smaller things - i do think that's the way to go.  we can get overwhelmed quite easily if we take on the big stuff too quickly.  starting with smaller stuff also gives us practice, which helps us have more confidence in tackling the bigger things.

so, go you!  love and a hug filled with gratitude not only for the good things you have in your life but also for you.

[Estella]

  thank you san

I fear I've failed myself today with the vaping. Still, pushed myself in other ways and managed to achieve something I've never done before, even though I had an intense EF as I retraced some steps I hadn't made since a childhood trauma. My heart's still beating though, so I've got that to be grateful for.

[sanmagic7]

you know, the idea that the vaping thing and its consequences are at the front of your mind is, i think, a win in itself.  we're sure not gonna be perfect at this, but every little step we take toward health counts.  keep going - i have no doubt that you'll eventually reach your goal.

and kudos to your courage in retracing those steps. hard work, that.  your heart is still beating - yay!  we'll keep it.

i think you're doing well.  love and hugs to you.

[SpacePasta]

Yes, keep going, Estella. You're doing great. Healing addictions take time, and any progress you have takes time.

[Hope67]

Hi Estella,
Sounds like you've been processing some things - be kind to yourself.  Hope you're ok.    to you, if that's ok.
Hope 

[Estella]

Thank you Hope  and SP.

I've had an emotional morning. Vaping things are now in the bin.

[sanmagic7]

wow!

hang tough - i wouldn't doubt if the urge comes along to grab them out of the bin.  as someone in addiction recovery once told me, the urges come along like buses.  you can expect them, but you don't have to get on them.

best to you with this, estella.  love and hugs.

[Estella]

Thank you san and FfT/Dr, although your post has sadly been deleted.

I am 2 days in no vaping/smoking and proud of myself for it. I've been looking at getting a job. I've been getting out and about even when I've really wanted to stay home. I've been putting a brave face on as some days have been much harder for me - but I'm still going. It's easier when I know that people are rooting for me to succeed.

[sanmagic7]

and we're proud right along side you, estella.  well done!!! keep up the good work on this - we're definitely rooting for you all the way. yay, you!    love and hugs.