Performance Anxiety. Big Time.

[Phoebes]

I've made progress in this area, but any time the rubber hits the road and I actually perform (music), it's like I black out on simple things I have practiced and know well, or like, for the first 2 or 3 songs, I am stiff, shaky and the pages literally white out or go blurry. I remember as a young child when I learned piano, my Ngm would at times sit down to play a song on the piano, and would shake and tremble and hardly be able to get through the song..this is how I once was with onlookers. (Even though I had so hated seeing that and couldn't understand why she was so nervous with just us in the room). I understand now that it seems a physical reaction almost solely. Intellectually, I am not worried or concerned anymore, but the visceral reaction is still there. Is it possible that this is IN MY DNA?? I never saw my Nm perform, or do anything really, that could have warranted any amount of criticism. It occurs to me that she may have been so nervous she could not even try. I've always been a basket case before school assignment presentations, speeches, teaching adults, performing, but I've gotten a lot better. I know there was criticism tied to my music lessons early on, and lots of criticism, so it makes sense why I would be, but I still struggle.

Also, earlier in the day  (****TW Medical Stuff...possibly gross******)



I had insomnia for a few hours and was feeling really full and bloated, so I got up early and
did an enema. I played mediation music and just relaxed and did it slowly, thinking it would really help give me energy and make me feel clear and rejuvenated for the day of the performance. Although this day, for the first time ever, it had the opposite effect. I was so tired I could barely move afterward. Also, it was like it released anxiety in me and I was almost feeling panicked all day. I was not consciously thinking of the concert yet, but was ruminating over negative stuff about Nm. I really felt recently like I had let so much go and have been feeling light and renewed.

I don't know if any of you have had experiences like this. I also ruminate that I would like to explain my situation to my music director. He's so nice and understanding, but I feel my insecurity and anxiety creates distance with him and a few others, and I so wish he could understand why I'm like this. But then I fear having a negative vibe and he, not having Nparents, would misunderstand and think bad of me. That could ruin my whole ability to go back. Gosh I'm a mess just now.