Hi all - short introduction - trigger warning

[elphiemerald]

Hi there! I`m new here and, in spite of growing up in an engendering C-PTSD environment, new to the whole concept.

I started therapy about 2 years ago, but had tried a few times over the last decade. I used to run away of therapy when the Ts started to ask about my family. I would run away and never go back.

On October of 2016 I found out I had heart failure (I am 32 yo) and had to start treatment and implant a special pacemaker. That`s when I went back to therapy (the last T I had met and run from). I got really depressed and worried about my condition, but I had to put it together to comfort my mother. She, as always, was the center of attention even though who have been told might need a transplant in the future was me.

That`s when I realized I had to look to my family dynamics. I new that my sister had many symptoms of NPD for a while, but she does not think she has any problems, as I am the one that causes her to do the things she does.

My grandparents were both very complicated human beings. My grandfather had the traits for NPD with a touch of antisocial and my grandmother had the drama characteristic of BPD. They raised my mother to be the queen of the world and she should not be disturbed with my human needs of attention, love and insecurities. That`s why I was raised by my grandparents while my mother would dedicate herself to her brilliant carrier.

As I was growing up, I guess I was the scapegoat of everyone. My grandmother would threaten me, saying things like I would kill my mother if I did not obey, I did not deserve the effort she did, I did not deserve the family and the mother I had. My sister was the entitled one, she is the one that is seen and the one that conquers all the glories.

My grandparents passed a few years ago. But I still live with my uNPD mother and uNPD sister.

I have been having anxiety attacks and feeling really hopeless at the moment, guess I`ve been triggered into this feeling, but still find it difficult to know what triggers me. I just started the recovery process, it is nice to know that it is possible to get out of this, although the long path is a bit discouraging.

Sorry about the long text and thanks very much for the attention.

[woodsgnome]

Greetings, elphemerald...welcome  to OOTS.

Your tale speaks to the difficulties of trying to make sense out of what happened; then, more importantly, where to from here. Unfortunately, sometimes it's only by living into the questions that anything resembling recovery will be found. So you're on the right track, and give yourself credit for having opened this door.

What's on here sometimes seems as confusing and contradictory as the mess we come from, with one noted difference--those here have been struggling with many of the same issues. It takes a lot to not just want to give up, but somehow we find these glimmers of light that can become beacons of hope if we give ourselves the chance.

Maybe one day you'll remember this as a turn towards at least living those questions to where your life doesn't seem stuck in its old pattern anymore. Again, welcome; and feel free to roam around the forum, and please post when you feel drawn to reach out some more.

               

[Kizzie]

   what Woodsgnome wrote, welcome to OOTS elphemerald 

I just wanted to add that in addition to posting and reading here about having and dealing with CPTSD, you may also want to consider visiting our sister site Out of the FOG.  It is for people affected by someone with a personality disorder and it can be quite helpful to read and talk about PD behaviour, especially given you're living with it daily.

Glad you found your way here and I hope you find some comfort, support and information to help you 

[California Dreaming]

Welcome elphiemerald Being diagnosed with heart failure at such a young age must be very, very difficult.

I can relate to being the family scapegoat, taking on everyone's projected shadow. Hopefully one day you will be able to see that it is their stuff and not yours.

"I still live with my uNPD mother and uNPD sister." This sounds like a minefield of triggers. I hope that you won't always have to live in this environment. It took me a long time to figure out that I was in a triggered state and what triggered me in the first place. Now, I am better able to do both, but figuring out the what still can be tricky.

"...it is possible to get out of this, although the long path is a bit discouraging." You're right that it is possible to heal the wounds and the path can be rather long. Makes me think of the saying that a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. I haven't always found comfort in it, but it has given me courage when starting a new journey that is likely to be a long one.

I am so glad that you took the step of reaching out for support along your recovery journey.

[Sceal]

Hello!

I just wanted to drop by and welcome you to the forum!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi emerald
So much recovery is possible and you are recognising and becoming aware of some aspects that will then bring ways to move towards solutions with the support of others and all the very good resources and experiences of others. Finding  some inner peace is a daily journey and we all
Understand and are on the same path.
Wishing you blessings as you begin your recovery and self compassion journey