Not sure what this is

[PacSt20]

Okay, I'm not sure if this is the place for me, but I don't really know where else to turn for help. I apologize if this is a choppy message-- or if it goes against the agenda of this cite all together-- but I really need some guidance on what I am/ have been dealing with.

I haven't been diagnosed with CPTSD or even discussed it with a professional because I felt like I had it taken care of myself. I grew up in the Midwest surrounded by severe neglect, mental illness, and drug abuse. Fortunately, I was given an amazing opportunity to pursue part of my higher out in the Pacific Northwest. I've spent a year out here, and while I had immense difficulty adapting, have been overall happier and more productive than I've ever been. Unfortunately, financial circumstance has resulted in me having to go back to my home state to continue my education.

I've been overwhelmed with the feelings of apprehension and helplessness. I've been experiencing what I can only identify as flashbacks (of course I don't know this for sure, simply using the terminology for lack of better description). It feels like someone is pulling out a file of my own trauma and sending it to every neuron in my brain. My body is in immense pain with no explainable rationale; my periods have been off the charts unpredictable. My appetite and digestion have been off. I'm lucky to go to sleep before 4 am. My ability to focus on my academics has plundered, and I'm typically a dean's list student. And overall, I have this massive amount a fear, dread and sadness that leaves me bedridden.

I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, OCD, and a few other disorders, but these symptoms feel absolutely new and foreign to my body. I've displayed some symptoms of PTSD and/or CPTSD in the past, but I've pushed off the idea if a therapist ever brought it up. I've never discussed any of my past trauma with anyone because I never felt like I needed to. I wish I would have taken the opportunity when I did. I am about to lose my health insurance, and I make just just enoug to fall into the coverage gap, so I don't see myself having any options in that regard anytime soon.

I really don't know where to turn to make sense of what I'm feeling, and I don't want to be stuck in some endless loop of self diagnosing. If anyone has any advice on what I should do to begin addressing this, it would mean so much. I'm desparate at this point.

[Gromit]

Hi PacSt20
Welcome.
I am not in the US so am not sure from your education level how dependent you are on your family of origin. Does returning to your home state mean you need to live with your family again?
Personally I never had regular periods whilst I lived with mine.

Perhaps start with looking at Pete Walkers site and his book 'from Surviving to Thriving' it wrang some bells for me.

It isn't necessary to have a C-PTSD diagnosis to find help here. I have yet to find a doctor in the UK who has heard of C-PTSD.

I have discovered that there are 12 step groups for adult children who have been effected by dysfunctional families such as those with mental illness, drug abuse. Maybe look for those to find support. I have some experience of 12 step groups (Al-Anon) & have always found what I learnt there useful especially in difficult circumstances.
G

[Kizzie]

As Gromit suggested, you don't need an diagnosis so be here so welcome and I hope you'll find some good info and support.

It may be time to talk with your physician  about the possibility of having Complex PTSD with an eye to getting a referral to a trauma therapist if that's the case. It sounds in your post like some T's have suggested the possibility in past therapy. Trauma has a way of bubbling up if it was never processed.  It's still inside and has a way of insisting it be acknowledged and dealt with.  Maybe now is the time to look into what is causing your symptoms. 

[Blueberry]

Welcome PacSt20 

I second Kizzie's suggestion on trying to get a referral. In the meantime, there's tons of useful information in other member posts and in the Resources section of the forum.