Progress: A healthier response!

[Sceal]

Yesterday I logged into an old, abandoned social media account. I left it due to the amount of toxic and abusive people I have on my friendlist there (There are reason why I didn't unfriend them and deleted the account - but that's for another topic). I thought I was ready to deactivate the account, I had recieved alot of messages on that account - some important, but one... from the wife of my last r*ist. She too caused me alot of pain, she's manipulative and were grooming me. I expected there'd be messages there from her, but I didn't expect it to be so recent. The last one was from March.
I haven't read a single one of them, due to her knowing then that I've read them and not replied. My heart stopped beating, and I started sweating. And the familiar voice of Paranoia reared it's ugly head. BUT!
But instead of freaking out completely - I logged out. And I decided to watch a tv-series instead. It took me a few hours before I managed to do anything else. But previously when they've contacted me (which isn't so long ago), the entire week is ruined. And my paranoia gets really activated and intense and I get self-destructive.
This time... the emotions didn't overwhelm me.
I still feel nauseous when thinking of it (and writing about it here), I still look around me when I walk out the door - just in case. And I'm worn out.  But this time around, it didn't control me.

I also told my therapist today, I met her in the hallway when I was heading for group. And she gave me a high five, and told me the news made her very happy. And it made me happy that she was happy. (although, that's something entirely different thing again).

But yeah, this is big.

[Rainagain]

Hi sceal

This is indeed big, sounds like you are getting stronger, more resilient.

Its only when you have difficult stuff to cope with that you can measure progress accurately.

I've had the same assessment opportunity lately, and I was stronger than before too.

I don't know why, but its something to just accept and to celebrate.

Well done you!

[Sceal]

Thank you!
I was thinking right before I fell asleep last night, that things certainly have changed. I certainly have changed - for the better. I'm not quite sure if I can put a finger on it, or explain it. But I have progressed since just a few months ago. This thought scares me a little, because last time I was thinking these kinds of thoughts - I had a relapse.

[Rainagain]

Ha!
I'm waiting for a relapse too, like 'normal service will resume any minute' and my now is temporary, an accident.

Even if we slip back a bit we are further up the hill than before, its still a success.

I'm still amazed how my thoughts and fears are mirrored by everyone here, I don't have much in common with people I know in the world, but I connect so strongly with everyone here.

Whatever we were like before, or whatever we would have turned out like, we are now so similar in outlook.

That is key to the help we can give and receive each other here and it still surprises me.

[Sceal]

Things aren't great right now, but they aren't terrible either. They just are. And the waiting part... it just makes it less good. Last week was beyond hard, and I felt so alone with everything. But that's another story. But you're right, it's still a success even if we slip up. But it can be hard to remember sometimes.

Perhaps it's easier to connect with people on this forum more, because we are more open about what we're going through? I find it impossible to tell people around me what's really going on.

[Rainagain]

I'm open with people I know, but they don't really get it at all, even the ones who try to understand think it must be similar to their stuff, which it isn't really.

Good for them really.

[MarkD67]

Hey Sceal, that sounds like huge progress. I want to thank you for your support recently and share one of my tools. I call it a "Win Journal". I write every little success or step of progress, no matter how small it may seem. I'd put that in my Win Journal if it were me. Congratulations... Cheers

[Sceal]

Thank you, Mark!
The Win journal sounds wonderful, I used to have something similar. I called it The book of Achievement, and nothing was too small to put in it. Now-a-days I use an app where I just write down the good things during a day. It can be anything from sunshine to something like this progress.