Disassociation - is this normal? Sick thoughts, gender swapping? *Triggers!*

[walkwithme]

Hello everyone, new here.

Going to try and keep this short - I found out about emotional flashbacks, CPTSD and this forum three days ago, having heard of none of it in my 33 years. Now everything is unraveling like a rope with an anchor tied to it. I can't sleep, I'm sick, I'm remembering things that I've spent a long time pushing away. Things I've never told anyone, things I've never let leave my head. I'm almost scared to write it in case somebody I know finds it.

Firstly to everyone here who has suffered sexual abuse, I wish you wouldn't read this...I cry for you and I'm afraid that what I'm about to say will be misunderstood. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Short history of trauma - mother withdrew, father manipulated, both abandoned me to another family who made sure I felt resented my whole life. I would freeze in my bed so my uncle wouldn't find me if I knew he was angry, I never felt safe or wanted, I developed suicidal thoughts around fifteen and they've stayed with me. Even trying to cope with all of this new knowledge makes me think it'd be easier to just die. I'm on SSRIs now, against my wishes. Therapists have been useless. I'm married and my husband is only partly aware of any of what I'm doing/what I think about.

Here we go.

I had all the 'healthy' disassociations as a kid - intense daydreaming, reading, isolating etc.

As an adult, I imagine the following scenarios, with vivid clarity and in all kinds of settings. In the car, in the bathroom, etc;
- I am a guy. Not just any guy, I guy I became obsessed with a few years back but never really knew. I have his face and his voice. It happens ALL THE TIME. Sometimes it's other men, but mainly him. I talk (to myself), and I can see his face moving. Why???
- Less surprising stuff like I turn into men I know briefly, one common one is I'm being interviewed for a movie or a reality TV Show. This happens a lot, and I become very boastful. I imagine my family sees it at the end.

I worry that if a doctor ever knew about the above, I'd probably be diagnosed with some kind of personality disorder. But in a way I enjoy slipping in and out of myself...I mostly know I'm doing it.

The REALLY, REALLY, horrifying part...last chance to stop reading...

I can't enjoy sex with my husband unless I can imagine that I'm being forced into it. Like...I can't get there at all.

And there it is.

It's gotten worse as I've gotten older, too. I have to really disassociate now to make it happen. Why Why Why? I wasn't sexually abused, my uncle and father were definitely creeps but if they did anything, my mind has done a marvellous job of wiping it away. Has this happened to anyone else? I've tried searching for it here but nothing. Am I really messed up? I thought for a long time that it was about being 'wanted' but what a sick way for my mind to twist it. Do I really have CPTSD, or am I gravely mentally ill? Am I a secret psychopath? I can function in the outside world and nobody knows a thing. In fact I'm well liked by everyone I meet.

Thank you for your understanding.

[Three Roses]

Welcome to the community, walkwithme! No one here is qualified to diagnose anyone, but through researching this site and others and asking questions, you're encouraged to come to your own conclusions.

When I was younger there were times I fantasized about being male. It doesn't happen anymore and I'm happy being female.

You say,

I wasn't sexually abused, my uncle and father were definitely creeps but if they did anything, my mind has done a marvellous job of wiping it away.

and this makes me wonder. Is it possible you've suppressed memories of being abused? Absolutely. The statistics show that those who've been abused are more likely to dismiss or minimize the abuse than to manufacture it.

You've asked things in your post that are very, very common questions here. Nothing you've said is anything unheard of here. I wish it were not so.

I wish you healing in you're search for truth and answers. Thanks for joining.

[Libby183]

Hello,  walkwithme.

I am really sorry to read about what you are going through.  I can sense your distress.

Your post struck a chord with me in several ways.  I always lived with my parents but nm made her hatred and resentment very clear.  Also like you,  although I have no memory of being sexually abused, I feel something is not right. My best guess for me, is that it was always made very clear to me that my body was not my own. My privacy was invaded,  my body was violated on occasions.  It was more to do with power than sexual gratification,  I think, but has affected me deeply.  I have generally been scared of all intimacy,  have relied heavily on dissociation and sex has become mixed up in my mind with very unpleasant things.

I am not sure that this will help you in any way, but I just wanted to say that you are not alone in wondering about abuse (or not) leading to difficulties around intimacy.  My husband doesn't know the details of my problems around sex, but sort of accepts they are there.  We have a happy marriage without sex now that we are older!

With regards to the gender swapping,  I can only say that cptsd seems to be able to produce any number of types of thinking,  however unusual they may be. I have strange thought patterns that I have never fully shared.  One of mine is linked, I believe,  to lack of control/loss of control. Could your gender swapping thoughts be linked to power and control, with men being viewed as more powerful and in control. You mentioned being scared of your uncle, a man. Then, there is the connection of sex and control and so on. So full circle.

I hope I haven't said too much, but this is something I have been thinking about with regards to the therapy I am doing.  There is so much I want to deal with.

I wish you all the strength you need to start to deal with all of this. With cptsd,  knowledge really is power so find out all you can and I suspect that your thoughts will start to make some sense for you.

Take care,

Libby

[walkwithme]

Libby I wonder about that too - I think perhaps I'm just turning into people that I admire and they are typically male as the women I knew growing up were woefully under resourced and unhappy. I've always sought out father figures too.

The sexual stuff...you know it doesn't look so weird written down now. I think you're right. I wasn't allowed to shut my bedroom door at home, and I had no space I could go. I certainly could never complain about people touching me, even if I wanted to eject my self out of my skin at the thought.

Just another frustrating and weird consequence of other people's behavior. I never thought I would ever make sense of it, only that I wouldn't ever talk about it.

Sigh. Love and light to you too. Hugs. And hugs to our inner children 

[walkwithme]

Three Roses you have been so welcoming and understanding, thank you. Now that I know I'm not outside of the pale here, I'm going to get involved on others posts a lot more. 

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, I think you're just carrying the bad symptoms of cptsd, there is nothing wrong with you, I think it's quite common with cptsd to be like this, I know I certainly have similar situations to you, I guess you tried grounding techniques to get yourself more present, I.e concentrating on certain sounds smells what you can see etc this does work but you need to get into a habit of doing it regularly so you don't get so dissociative, if you were to discuss this with a trauma trained counsellor I'm sure she would back me up in what I've just told you, please don't believe there's anything majorly wrong with you, just another symptom I think.

[Rainagain]

Hi
I just wanted to mention that my psych had me do a questionnaire (I posted a link to it on here somewhere a while back).

One question was about looking in the mirror and not recognising the person in the reflection.

Others were related to being someone else too, or being somewhere else other than in your own body.

I think cptsd could well cause the things you mentioned, no need for a different illness, cptsd seems very powerful in its effects.

My own stuff is different but also alarming and I find it quite shocking too.

You are not the only one.

[walkwithme]

I can't tell you all what a relief it is to hear all of this. Thank you so much. Spilled some water on my kitchen bench just now and said to my inner child, "It's ok. No one hates you! We're just gonna wipe it it up quickly and then have a nice dinner together" and started laughing with relief. It's going to be a long journey but y'all have helped me take a huge step here. I can't wait to read all of your stories and hopefully return the favor.

[walkwithme]

It's occurred to me that this may be in the wrong category. I apologise moderators - I'm still pretty new and thought the adult nature of my symptoms meant it was more appropriate for this group.

[Rainagain]

The mods can move threads if they need to, I'm sure this one is fine where it is.

[Rowan]

 

Hi hon, cPTSD is known for depersonalisation and derealisation as a form of dissociation, so that's all perfectly "normal", as is dysphoria (not recognising who you are), including gender dysphoria my particular flavour of that is that I'm an alien - definitely not male as assigned at birth. Many times I dream that I recognise myself walking away, and I'm female and it makes me happy.

Mirrors are upsetting, because everything is the wrong shape, and there are aspects of this body that are absolutely repugnant - mainly smell, although it's physiology freaks me out too. So, it was logical to me that i am non binary transgender. There are days when I am more feminine, and a lot of the time when I'm neither. It was so obvious that my partner alerted me to the fact that fundamentally in many respects, my behaviour is female.

Could this be a product of my cPTSd (and yes, there is a preliminary diagnosis)? Quite possibly. However, it's one of the few things I wouldn't change for the world - as there is a level of congruence between the alienation I feel and the separation between my world and the real world. It's the one aspect that feels 'aligned', and simply because of that it gives me some comfort.

It's all very confusing at the beginning, but you're not alone, we do understand.




Rowan

[jamesG.1]

I think there is a big factor of trying to push out from under disassociation by ramping up the extremes of things, and sexual feelings can be part of that. It was pointed out to me that it also happens with food in that your senses are numbed and you taste less, so hey presto, hotter foods get craved. As you recover, all this calms down but it's pretty normal to have your sense of self and your interactions with the world around you get badly squeezed by the sheer weight of sludge we get used to having on us.

There's no shame in it. Zero. Accept it all as part of the process and give yourself a break.