Sunshine/good weather triggers Ef ...anyone else?

[Jenny Blount]

Anyone else find great weather triggers them? I've just had the most massive EF to being 17 and feeling so bereft I starved myself. I don't think I consciously wanted to die but I knew I couldnt  live. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't live and nobody noticed. Nobody noticed I was starving myself. How can you be so alone in your family that no one notices you'd rather waste away than live? I had to hide my shameful self away
Good weather meant being young and carefree and out there and social and sexual. It meant being in love with life and opportunity. I couldn't do that because my dad terrified me and my mum was pathetic and weak. They barely tolerated me being 'perfect' and quiet. Dad was hostile, angry and bitter. Mum was defeated and childish.
I am now, at 55, hiding in my bedroom with the curtains drawn and the electric fan on high, hiding because I don't want to trigger again
I have so much sorrow and fear for that poor unreachable girl who was too good to know she was suicidal. She's finally talking to me after all these years silence. She's telling me she can't go out because she can't go with the others. She's not allowed to grow up. She's not allowed to leave home. Dad would be too angry, mum would be too needy and she doesn't know how to do it.
Hide away, and hide the shame that comes with hiding. Not only is she hiding she's ashamed of needing to hide. No one cares, no one in the world cares

[Hope67]

Hi Jenny Blount,
Yes, I do relate to what you're saying about the weather being a trigger - I'd not really thought about it before, but reading your post, I was reminded that sunnier days are potentially triggering for me.

I just wanted to say that I hope that you can cope with all of this - you described having so much sorrow and fear for that poor unreachable girl, and it's good that she's finally talking to you after many years of silence, but I know that's a tough thing too.  I am also getting in touch with my inner children, and wounded parts and I feel my parts are fragmented - but at the same time, finally getting in contact is I think a positive thing.

Wishing you strength - or whatever would be helpful to you the most.

Hope 

[Jenny Blount]

Hi Hope,
What a beautiful name and thank you so much...

Our inner selves are fragmented, aren't they. I see myself as a toddler, as a ten year old and as a seventeen year old. The seventeen year old has had the least attention to date. Which is ironic because nobody noticed her at the time, either. That she's speaking to me now must mean I am in a strong enough place to hear it.
Despite the fear and the phobias my husband is my angel. I'm still protecting my 'weak' mother from knowing anything about me.

It still amazes me that I could have lived through a time when I was so disassociated from my feelings that weakness, hunger and numbness felt like a relief.

[Libby183]

Absolutely,  Jenny B. I know exactly what you mean. It's only recently I realised that good weather is a trigger for emotional flashbacks. For years I believed that I "couldn't cope"  with warm weather,  because my nm couldn't,  and after all, I am my nm because she told me I was!

You are so right as well about sunshine and summer being all about being young and carefree and living life to the full. Our parents denied us this pleasure,  so no wonder we are triggered.

Like you, I am in my early fifties and have been saved by my husband. I am trying,  with the help of therapy,  to "rewrite my story"  and yesterday I went to the coast, in the sunshine, along with crowds of people,  and enjoyed it. Like you, I have spent years avoiding such situations. 

I hope very much that you can also start to live life more fully. A year ago, I wouldn't have been able to get out and about in the sunshine.  I have moved through doing these things,  but not really enjoying them and am just getting hints that I can do and enjoy.

There is hope, Jenny,  and being on OOTS has helped enormously.  I hope, in turn, that we can help you too.

Best wishes, 

Libby.

[Jenny Blount]

Thanks Libby! I'm going out in the sun with my husband today. I fear coming back to our house because our house is where I trigger. I shall be gentle and compassionate with myself when we return and if I need to sit quietly somewhere 'gloomy' I shall!
It's learning not to sit in shame because youre having to hide.

I read Pete Walker's Homesteading in the Calm Eye of the Storm, last night. The idea of an abandonment melange of shame and fear is EXACTLY what I've experienced.
Reading OOTS is so helpful and getting a reply is so validating
Thank you

[Kizzie]

Hi Jenny, I hope you had a lovely day out with your H 

I just wanted to pass along that I feel apart about 5 years ago now and light (and movement and noise) were just too much for me so I spent a lot of time in the dark with a fan on to provide white noise. To be honest, at one point when that abandonment melange Pete talks about overwhelmed me for a variety of reasons I actually hid in my walk-in closet a lot and drank. I just had to get away from everyone and everything and numb myself to feel safe. 

Anyway, it's been a few years now and I still take an hour most days to go into my darkened bedroom and rest with the fan on.  It just calms my nervous system which has been scraped raw by trauma and reacts to too much external (and internal) stimulation.   

[Jenny Blount]

We did have a good day.
When I got back I laid down in a darkened room with a fan on (me too!) I was worried about coming back to the house in case I triggered so I promised myself if i DID trigger I'd use it as an opportunity to practise being kind to myself. I find the cool and the dark soothing. At least I'm  learning to self soothe!
I addition to the fan I use the washing machine, dryer and dishwasher to provide white noise.

I'm glad you are in a better place than you were before

[Hope67]

Hi Jenny Blount,
I'm glad you are finding that you can learn to self-soothe - and it's good to hear you had a good day.
Hope 

[DecimalRocket]

I'm glad too.