Forced to be Nurturing.

[DecimalRocket]

Growing up, my mom expected me to be a caretaker of her and my dad in some ways. In other people, this would make them spend so much time listening to their parent's woes. My personality just interpreted all that as gross and distanced myself.

I remember as a kid, my mom would want me to sleep with her in bed, not because I was afraid to sleep alone. But because she didn't want to sleep alone. She'd always want me around physically, even when I needed some privacy.

She shared her hatred towards her body, and I stayed silent with this thinking, "Jeez. Stop talking about overemotional stuff. Ew." I was respectful of other people who had body issues, but something about her being this clingy to me in particular was disgusting.

My dad had some health issues before, and she expected me to take care of him in a nurturing way. But I wasn't nurturing. That's gross. And I just ignored her.

She emphasized my weaknesses, and ignored many of my more different strengths. Seeing any of my ability to rapidly think of logical arguments toward her crazy rigid rules as "disobedience". Seeing my need to explore the novel as "dangerous". Seeing my relaxed pace of life as "too slow" or "too impractical." Seeing my casual humor as "immature".

I'd blow up with anger at her and I'd think it was all my fault. I'd become distant and suppress all my anger inside of me, and the values she forced on me just made me ignore my emotional side even further. I worked so hard to be more accepting, more understanding, more obedient, more structured and more what she expected, but I couldn't.

I'm still guilty though. Still guilty.

I never could live up to that image even if I tried, and I did.

I failed. I'm too slow on developing my own emotional and compassionate side, and she forced and rushed it out of me. I'm terrible at remembering schedules and organized tasks even if I'm good at them when I remember.  Forced it so hard I avoided it for most of my life.

Maybe I really am a monster.

[Blueberry]

No, DR, you are not a monster!

Your M forcing you to be nurturing, or trying to, is called parentification. She was trying to force you, her child, to be the parent. That's a form of emotional abuse.

You are not guilty because you didn't live up to her expectations of parentification. She shouldn't have expected it of you in the first place! Feeling guilty is something we with CPTSD do. Doesn't mean it is our guilt though.

[Gromit]

Wow, I remember having to share my mother's bed whenever my dad was away, can't remember why.

You know DR, you are young, in a way you should be 'immature' not nurturing. They should be understanding of you, they have been your age, remember what it was like. I also recall my mother disliking my logic, pointing out the other side to whatever argument she was using, 'just like your father'. She also wanted me to understand her, not the other way around.

You have years ahead of you to be organised, mostly when you have your own dependents. If you really have things you need to remember use your 'phone to set reminders. Write things in a diary, check it every morning, or the night before.

You are not a monster, you are a teenager carrying far too much responsibility.

[DecimalRocket]

This is a late post, but thank you guys for what you said. I felt calmer after it thinking back, and boy have I made too many posts for myself today recently. 

The above has made a strange insecurity in me really growing up, that the feeling that I should be a doormat or I'll be hated. I don't act this way. I find a better balance between adapting to people's needs and my own needs today, but the guilt is still there.

I had some compassion on me, sure, but I lacked the ability to be insightful to people's motivations. Even if I did care about people inside, I didn't really know best how to show it. I didn't have that kind of skill to move to a more fawn type of response, and so I was more led to distance myself in a freeze response. Asperger's syndrome didn't exactly help either.

In a way, it hit the most sensitve part of my ego — the ability to make good relationships with other people. The way I was pressured to be much more accomadating and understanding than I tend to be was a focus on the weakest part of myself, and that . . . that hurt.

[Blueberry]

  to shield you from criticism whether external or from ICr. Hugs might be too much for you idk