Please help me to help him - severe TRIGGER WARNING physical violence

[Hollylove]

Hello everyone,

I have started a relationship with a 28 year old man with severe CPTSD.  His parents were both alcoholics and there was some neglect and physical abuse from his father.  He learned to fight (martial arts) at age 8 encouraged by his father. 

When he was 14 years old and his brother was 16 years old they witnessed their father shoot and kill their mother.  My boyfriend fought his father for the gun as he was going to kill his entire family.  He eventually got him down and his father ended up shooting and killing himself in the head.  My boyfriend is very angry with his older brother for freezing and not helping.  He blames himself for not being able to stop his father from killing his mother. 

He is so angry and sad.  He misses his mother so much.  He sleeps with his teddy bear.  This is his only reminder of her.  He has not found the proper help and does not want it.  He is a raging alcoholic and carries a gun (he has a permit) everywhere.  He is paranoid about everything and hates to go anywhere.  He even thinks I might try to kill him when he sleeps.  He has told me about the incident several times and has cried and got angry self harming by punching himself in the face. 

We hold each other all the time we are together.  He is just a scared little boy.  I want to love and protect him.  What can I do or say to really help him?  I love him so much.

[Blueberry]

Hello Hollylove,

It's good you reached out to us.

Unfortunately you can't help somebody else recover from cptsd if they don't want to get help themselves. Sometimes the pain, the memories, the fear, the anger, the self-blame just feel overwhelming, so that can prevent somebody from getting help for a while or for a long time. You have to reach the point yourself where you're willing to look for help / continue to / or to try again. It's not always easy to find a therapist you can work with who's qualified for cptsd and not just for ptsd. Quite a number of members on here including me have had to look and look again. Then you might give up for months, and then start again. But in my own case I've genuinely wanted to get help, just sometimes I needed a long break from it all.

I personally would be frightened of your boyfriend - paranoid, raging alcoholic with a gun. So, please take care of yourself! Self-care is an important component anyway when you're in a relationship with somebody with cptsd.

Take care.

[sanmagic7]

hi, holly,

i echo everything blueberry says.  personally,  may i add, that i believe you are in a dangerous situation.  the only one you can help in this relationship is yourself.

i understand being in love and wanting to help your partner.  i've had 3 marriages where i tried everything i knew to help them become happy, and emotionally healthy.  it didn't work for any of them, and i hung on for 20 yrs. in one case, 16 yrs. in another.  what happened is that i was the one who continued to get sicker and sicker, pushed to the brink.

none of them wanted help, all of them were in great pain from their pasts, and all of them needed professional help.  however, they refused to do the work.   luckily i got out before i ended up dead.

it's difficult to tell someone they can't help their loved one, and even more difficult to hear it.  i wish i could help you help him, but i can't.  i do hope you help yourself before something terribly wrong happens.  sending you a hug filled with strength and clarity.  perhaps it might help you to see a professional, get an opinion other than from here.   best to you with this, holly.  i feel for you and your situation.

[Kizzie]

Hello Holly and welcome to OOTS,  I hear what you are saying about your BF and how difficult it is to be with someone you love who is having such problems and not quite know how to help. 

I too think the first thing to do is to take care of you and make sure you are safe as BB and San have suggested.  He may not have done anything yet but he is not in his right mind right now and he has a gun so there is a very real and frightening possibility he could harm or even kill you.  There are just too many incidences of this to ignore unfortunately.  Perhaps look at a few of the many resources out there for people in your situation - here's one that is international:

Hot Peach contains an extensive international inventory of hotlines, shelters, refuges, crisis centers and women's organizations, searchable by country, and domestic violence resources in over 70 languages - http://www.hotpeachpages.net

Be safe 

(Note - I moved your post to the "Relationships with Others" board because it is not you who developed CPTSD in childhood.) 

[Rainagain]

Hello hollylove,

Your situation is out of my experience, but alcoholism and cptsd are hard to recover from, separately or as a combination.

I think you should ask yourself why you  are in this relationship and what you are getting out of it. I think you are at risk of an anxiety disorder yourself from your relationship, or of getting injured or killed.

This relationship could have life changing consequences for you, please take care.