Ick feeling from BPDm, emotional sexualization

[SE7]

I am a female adult in middle age - so why the * am I being subject to weirdness regarding my BPDm? Like the emotional sexualization from my NPDf was not enough? It appears that BOTH of them do this. It makes me cringe with disgust - I am badly triggered today because of a weird text from her.

Because they are both COVERTS, I will never get 'proof' of any of this - that plausible deniability thing? My m worded this text in a really gross, creepy way like she was in love with me and wanted to be with me, something about 'enjoy each other' - I don't know if she meant doing something that we could enjoy 'WITH' each other - but she LEFT OUT THE WORD 'WITH' .... this is one of those crazy-making things that coverts do, that screw up survivors' lives more than anyone can imagine! This kind of stuff will destroy a person's soul just as much as if they'd been beaten - because it can't be identified, there's no proof, makes you confused & feeling like you're going crazy.

I feel like I am the object of desire in my FOO. I am not joking. There are too many instances of inappropriate emotional sexualization. I'm not going to give examples right now, because I just can't.

I just feel so GROSS right now. I can't tolerate the sickeningly sweet, overly mushy, love-bombing things BPDm writes to me - it literally makes me want to throw up. This woman is nuts. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't want to go anywhere with her. But she is making me feel obligated and it's driving me crazy. I can't go NC because they are helping me pay bills - this is the nightmare web I am caught in with this FOO. I want to get out, but my CPTSD has been so bad for 1.5 years, that I just feel paralyzed where getting a job is concerned. I have run out of time and I know I need to take quick action. I'm trying to just read Pete Walker's book, because I cannot handle going to a therapist. I feel it will actually cause me more problems because I have a lot of fears about revealing my life to people. Even doing it online I have a deep sense of shame & paranoia, but I feel I need to share to get through this & recover. Does anyone else here feel this way? I write all these posts, then want to delete them because of the toxic shame & fear of getting found out. Maybe the fear is induced by my FOO and I'm just projecting it.

Anyway ... I also had circumstantial evidence that I was probably molested as a young child. Again, I have no proof, because part of the memory is blacked out. The problem for me now as an adult is not sexual, but rather emotional. It is the emotional CRINGE factor that makes all of this so bad.

[Kizzie]

SE7, my M is a covert NPD and was extremely enmeshing (we re LC or she still would be), not in a sexual way like your parents, but I know what an awful feeling it is to have this constant and creepy attention you don't want, to be engulfed almost, objectified.  Unfortunately, most people with a PD can't or won't stop their behaviour so your M&F are probably going to keep doing what they do.

Have you tried setting boundaries with them? There's lots of good info about this at our sister site Out of the Fog which is for people who are affected by someone with a PD. 

Also, have you explored getting financial assistance through social services so that you can get out as you indicated you'd like to? 

Glad you posted     (and yes, I used to delete posts too - it gets better though or at least it did for me)

[SE7]

Hi Kizzie, thanks, yes I have definitely set boundaries with both of them but BPD I have to come up with excuses, which works for getting physical boundaries (not in my home) but still makes me feel stressed emotionally. Like you said, it's that engulfing, objectifying type of vibe. She gives me the feeling like I'm some kind of toy doll or something. She tries in her own way to appear respectful, but she's a strong-willed BPD, so no, she will never be able to change. Her flowery, love-bombing language bothers me most of all, just makes me cringe! As for finances, I'm trying really hard to just get a job. Once I'm able to have one again, I think things will feel a lot better for me. Thanks so much for your response! I'm so grateful that there is someone like you who understands how this feels

[Kizzie]

Hope you are able to find a job soon, undoubtedly that will help matters     

[Erebor]

I just feel so GROSS right now. I can't tolerate the sickeningly sweet, overly mushy, love-bombing things BPDm writes to me - it literally makes me want to throw up. This woman is nuts. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't want to go anywhere with her. But she is making me feel obligated and it's driving me crazy.

That's a horrible situation to be in, SE7, your mother sounds so disgustingly creepy. I can relate to a degree, but thankfully I only had one parent actively doing this weird covert sexual abuse. I wish you all the best in taking care of yourself and getting free of them! You deserve to be in a much better situation.

I found it interesting that in one of John Bradshaw's books (I think it was 'Healing the Shame That Binds You'?) he talks about sexual abuse including many more behaviors than most people think of.  He included a lot of stuff that would make someone feel gross, violated, and/or sexualised and have a damaging effect on them but that is covert (like creepy comments).  I would guess that your BPD M's behavior would be classed as this.