MILD TW - Quirks

[Roe Lee]

MILD TW.

Hi Everyone,

So i've not actually been medically diagnosed with c-ptsd which makes me feel extremely unworthy of help. I have, however, been to counselling for a year with a very good child abuse trauma counsellor. One of the interesting points of conversation i had with her (which is a lighter topic, in my sessions), is how i have developed certain... traits? from my abuse.
I don't know if any of these are real symptoms per se, but i like to think of them as my ptsd-related-Quirks. So i'll refer to them as Quirks in my post.

For example, (this is my most embarrassing Quirk so i'll start with this) I get an EF and then i make a weird humming noise to quickly snap back into reality. So people think i'm weird because i'm staring into space for a few minutes and then suddenly a loud "HMM" and i snap back into the present. I didn't know about EF's as a child so this was a quirk i grew up with. Never even thought they were ptsd related! Oh my gosh i am so embarrassed even thinking about it, i can't help it though! As a child, i would hum myself back into the present after an "abusive encounter" and i think the slight humour kinda made me smile a bit which made me feel better. It's a very ME thing.

I also do this thing where when i get panic attacks, i'm deathly afraid of the floor. I don't know what it is about the floor, but i'm scared of touching it or standing on it, or lying on it. I have to be elevated like on a chair or sofa or bed. The floor is lava doesn't even cut it.

I also have these thoughts when i'm alone. I mean i do have Intrusive Thoughts all the time, but these are lighter and happier. As a child, i was heavily bullied at school and i would cry at night because i didn't want to go to school the next day. So i kinda developed a routine where i would imagine scenarios where everyone was my friend, and i even imagine grandiose situations where everyone apologised and we were fine, and my mother loved me better, and i had a sibling magically appear, and i was happy. It lulled me to sleep. I still do this today. Imagining that people at work loved me, imagining my partner's ex didn't still bother us, imagining that i had friends in real life who lived in the same town as me. I need this to go to sleep. these imaginary scenarios are what puts me into a restful state. I notice i space out alot and imagine my scenes when i'm sad and alone or even walking to work and need a pick me up for the day. I sometimes even believe they're real? I lose track of what is real and what is imaginary. Is this a form of disassociation that i've made into a habit? i don't know, honestly.

And i hate touching myself. I can't touch myself intimately. In an intimate moment with my partner, i can only put my hands on him. I can't touch myself. It makes me physically sick. I hate the feel of my own skin on my palms. This includes my limbs, face, neck, everything D: It's very hard and embarrassing to talk about. I haven't been sexually abused, i feel it stems from a deep self-hatred.

I wonder if anyone has these Quirks like me? or different Quirks of their own? I think i define a Quirk as a habit or some behavioral or thought-related trait that you've developed due to long term trauma exposure. Hope to hear from you

All my love,
Roe.

[sanmagic7]

hey, roe,

i think many of us have developed 'quirks' or coping mechanisms of some kind to get us thru traumatic situations.  thanks for sharing.  i know you're embarrassed by some, but i personally think it's been a protective device for you.  i'd say it was very helpful, actually.

humming to get yourself back to reality sounds like a dissociation thing to me, and it seems like it was a very good intervention you created for yourself. yeah, it may seem out of context in a social situation, but i think it gives you some good information about yourself, such as what makes you leave reality for that while.  it must seem dangerous for you on some level for you to want to escape it in your mind.

i've heard of others who also hate touching themselves, and if i recall correctly, it was connected to a self-hatred thing.   if you're in therapy, perhaps you can get help with that.  the one i recall seems to have had problems showering.

the floor thing, i'd guess, also seems dangerous for a reason.  again, if you have a therapist, it would be something to explore with them on a deeper level.

i've done the scenarios in my head in order to feel more peace before i go to sleep.  we have a 'healing porch' here on the forum, which i'd often imagine being there with others from here.  it's very calming for me, helps push out other intrusive thoughts that might keep me awake.

we are ingenious at coming up with ways to help ourselves, aren't we?  i love that about us.  by the by, most of us here don't have a formal diagnosis of c-ptsd because it's not in the therapist's manual for mental health diagnoses.  however, we recognize the signs and symptoms here, and know that no other diagnosis really fits.

thanks for sharing, roe.  love and hugs to you.

[Roe Lee]

hey, roe,

i think many of us have developed 'quirks' or coping mechanisms of some kind to get us thru traumatic situations.  thanks for sharing.  i know you're embarrassed by some, but i personally think it's been a protective device for you.  i'd say it was very helpful, actually.

humming to get yourself back to reality sounds like a dissociation thing to me, and it seems like it was a very good intervention you created for yourself. yeah, it may seem out of context in a social situation, but i think it gives you some good information about yourself, such as what makes you leave reality for that while.  it must seem dangerous for you on some level for you to want to escape it in your mind.

i've heard of others who also hate touching themselves, and if i recall correctly, it was connected to a self-hatred thing.   if you're in therapy, perhaps you can get help with that.  the one i recall seems to have had problems showering.

the floor thing, i'd guess, also seems dangerous for a reason.  again, if you have a therapist, it would be something to explore with them on a deeper level.

i've done the scenarios in my head in order to feel more peace before i go to sleep.  we have a 'healing porch' here on the forum, which i'd often imagine being there with others from here.  it's very calming for me, helps push out other intrusive thoughts that might keep me awake.

we are ingenious at coming up with ways to help ourselves, aren't we?  i love that about us.  by the by, most of us here don't have a formal diagnosis of c-ptsd because it's not in the therapist's manual for mental health diagnoses.  however, we recognize the signs and symptoms here, and know that no other diagnosis really fits.

thanks for sharing, roe.  love and hugs to you.

Wow thanks sanmagic7 i feel good knowing i'm not the only one. i'm hoping to hear more of these Quirks that we experience, i find it fascinating how everybody has different coping mechanisms and they are so unique and what makes us Us.

Tell me more about this 'healing porch' it sounds absolutely lovely.

All my love,
Roe

[sanmagic7]

the healing porch was started by a member as a magical place we can imagine and go to in our minds for peace, calm, and comfort.  it's grown in stature over time to include a house with a huge wraparound porch overlooking the beach and ocean, with chairs/rockers/hammocks and blankets for warmth, care, and whatever else you may need/want.  beverages and food are always available.

more things that have been added are a fire pit, tree house, small woods surrounding a lake for fishing or just enjoying a forest atmosphere.  weather can be anything you want.  people have brought their pets there, dead or alive, and they all get along wonderfully.

it's really anything and everything you might be in the mood for. there are games, books, conversation or quiet - it's magic, so anything goes.   here's the link:    http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=9583.0

lots of people drop in when they need to take a break from the real world and just imagine it as their perfect getaway for as long as they need.  i go there often, if only in my head, but i also visit the site on the forum.   if you're hurting, someone will always bring you tea, lemonade, hot chocolate, sit with you if you're feeling lonely, let you be if you want time and space for some contemplation.

my favorite is sitting in a plush rocker, reading, hot chocolate, and just watching what everyone else might be doing.  i usually go when i'm feeling overwhelmed.  i hope to see you there sometime.  enjoy!   love and hugs to you, roe.

[Roe Lee]

Thank you sanmagic7 it looks like a wonderful place!

Hope to see you there sometime!

[sanmagic7]

i'm there today, rocking, resting, reading at times.  waves coming and going.  slight breeze.  warm.   nice and relaxing.

[Roe Lee]

Wowee sanmagic7 I am absolutely in love with the Healing Porch, I literally visit it every day it's so great.

I wonder what other Quirks other members might have developed. I think these Quirks make us unique and there is beauty and strength to be found in individualism. We are all different colours of the rainbow, but we shine bright - Quirks and all.


All my love,
Roe