Do you need to have a reason for abuse/neglect?

[Snookiebookie]

Hi everyone

The good news is that I've stopped therapy.  I know I'm not recovered, but I'm in a better place, and much more able to deal with life and C-PTSD.

I still have recurrent thoughts about my M and her behaviours and actions.  She passed away b nearly the years ago, so I feel that I'm wallowing.  Although if I'm being self-compassionate, I reason that I was 45 when she died. So I had many years of her treatment.  Also my dad was mental and emotionally abusive and occasionally hit us. I had that for my first 17 years.

I keep trying to understand why my M was like that with me. I don't have those thought about my dad, as I believe he had Borderline Personality disorder.

So is there any benefit to understanding why we were treated the way we were?

I know many of us have been victims of narcissists.  But I'm not sure if my mum was a narcissist. Or that she was a "pure" narcissist.

She left my dad and me when I was 16.  She never came back for me.  Eventually when the violence became too much, I sought help via a school teacher.  She found my mum and put us in touch. 

My mum had met a new partner and he moved in.  This was only two months after leaving.  She said I could stay, but I'd need to sleep on the sofa (she was in the bedroom with her new partner). 

At first I was distraught, I'd lost my home and my friends. I cried. My mum got angry with me.  After a few weeks we moved into the partners home and I had my own room. My mum's room was living room combined bedroom. So if I wanted to spend time with her I'd have to sit in a chair whilst she snuggled up to her partner on the bed.

I became unhappy and she suggested I go home. Years later I felt she did this as I was inconvenient.

I didn't last long at home. I got help from the local authority to get a place in a charity shelter. My mum told me she no longer had room for me. But two years later, they made room for my brother by moving partition walls.

I ve lived near my mum for many years. But if I've not made the effort to see her, she didn't make the effort.  Until my daughter was born.

My mum has constantly made her thoughts know. About my hair, my weight, my cystic acne, my husband etc....

But worst of all she was critical of my mothering skills. She would criticise me behind my back, and in front of me and others. She said I was too strict.  She thought my daughter could do no wrong.  She would do anything to let my daughter get her way.  Ask this was so my daughter loved her more than me! What mother does that?

It got to the point that my daughter wanted to spend more and more time with my mum.  Who wouldn't ? She could eat what she wants, so what she wants. And who'd want to spend time with me, who used to say no and try and instill some rules and responsibility.

My husband didn't back me, so sometimes in summer holidays my daughter practically moved in with my mum.

My mum never made time for me. Whenever I wanted to talk to her I'd need to do it in the kitchen, as she didn't want to take time from her partner.

I feel so neglected by her. I really want to move on. Will labelling this help? Will understanding it help?

Many thanks

SB

[RiverRabbit]

Covert Narcissists are much more slippery, and impossible to nail down.  They will also tear you down to others that you might engage in discussion about her... just so they are not receptive to your criticisms of her (salting the fields?).

I am just at the beginning of dealing with this in a conscious way, so I can't offer much advice... only the encouragement that there are others of us that have this, particular, issue.