Gaslighting victim

[trx03]

Hi everyone. I am new here. I'm from the Philippines and here is my story: (read if you want)

Three years ago, I met this bubbly, outspoken, and adventurous girl. We got on very well, and just after 3 months of constant talking and flirting, we eventually became together. Here's the catch: I'm a lesbian, she's a straight girl. Basically, I was her first girlfriend. Probably the last, too.

Our relationship was fun for the first few months... until she cheated on the 6th month of our relationship. I got deeply traumatized (still am!) by the action; she was my very first girlfriend, and I'm loyal as a dog. Her reason for cheating was she wanted to show her family that we weren't together, that she likes boys. But she also told me that upon kissing a guy, she immediately knew she wanted to be with me. Until now, I don't know if that makes sense.

Our relationship got very toxic afterwards, obviously. I would get paranoid when we're not together, she would reassure me using one to two-liners only. After that, she will let me be sad and she'd get mad at me for getting jealous and depressed. It came to the point that while I was trying to tell her about my feelings, she stopped me and said, "that is just PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome)." Like, women get really moody when they have PMS.. but the thing is, it was just 3 days after my monthly visitor.. how could it be PMS, right?

There were times also when she would say good night to me, but i see her active on facebook messenger. That would get me very paranoid. Once, during Christmas break, she said good night to me at 11pm, but I saw her active until 3am. I confronted her about it, she just got mad and she told me that I don't trust her, that what she's doing (for the relationship) is not enough, that maybe I should just break up with her if this will continue for the rest of our lives. And so, I said sorry. It felt like everything was my fault. When we met after the Christmas break, I accidentally saw her "recently deleted photos" album on her phone, lo and behold, there were screenshots of her and her ex boyfriend's conversation. That was the night she bid me goodnight at 11pm, and was awake til 3am. She just said sorry, and told me that if she had shared it to me that time, I would have gotten really paranoid. Well... I mean... I would rather know from you, than find out after being lied to.. you know?

Eventually, we broke up while I was in the US for a summer camp. She was back home in the Philippines. I read a conversation between her and her friend about her past sexual acts with the ex boyfriend I previously mentioned in this post. And that was it. That's when I decided I wasn't having any of it. I immediately lost interest in our relationship. Because one time, out of curiosity, I asked if she still remembers/thinks about her ex boyfriend, and she told me no, she hardly remembers anything. And to have read that, to have read such detail about her sexual intimacies with her ex boyfriend, made me realize that I'm becoming a puppet she likes to make a fool of.

It was very sad to me. I spent 2 years with someone who gaslighted me. I knew of the red flags. I saw it. But every time I try to confront her about it, it's like... she makes me feel bad for seeing it. Does that make sense? There were still a lot more gaslighting moments, but it's already draining me just thinking about some of it.

After the relationship, I stopped going out of my house. It's just home->school->home. Nobody in my family knows I suffered (and still suffering) from that. Nobody knows the mental and emotional trauma I had experienced. I avoid big crowds for fear I might see her or her family/friends.. what's worse is, I used to be a friendly and outgoing person, and now I avoid social interaction for fear that I might meet somebody like her again.

I have lost so many pounds during and even after the relationship. There are times when I get pretty excited about life, but it's like.. flickering. I used to exercise a lot. I used to be a student-athlete, so I used to be very resilient in terms of hardships (both physical and mental aspect).. but this is something I don't think I can conquer. It's just TOO damn big of a wave crashing on me.

I haven't seen a psychologist/psychotherapist yet.. I'm so afraid I might look like i'm overreacting things. I mean, people around me have said, "that's nothing," "oh do this do that" ... it's kind of.. not helping.

Anyway, if anyone has suffered gaslighting, can you please talk to me? I only have 1 friend who has experienced it, but I'm scared I bother her too much. 

Thanks for reading.

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS TRX, I'm sorry to hear about the impact your relationship has had on you. Gaslighting can be devastating because it makes it difficult to know what is real and what is not as so many here and especially at our sister site Out of the Fog (OOTF) can attest. 

I haven't seen a psychologist/psychotherapist yet.. I'm so afraid I might look like i'm overreacting things. 

The US President is a serial gaslighter so it's definitely becoming much better know around the world. There is a large group of US psychologists for example who have come together in a movement called "Duty to Warn" if you want to Google that, to shine a light on his behaviour.  My point is that most T's know only too well now about gaslighting and N behaviour these days. 

I mean, people around me have said, "that's nothing," "oh do this do that" ... it's kind of.. not helping. Anyway, if anyone has suffered gaslighting, can you please talk to me?

It''s likely that the people you talked to do not know about PD behaviour and gaslighting.  You may want to talk about this at our sister site OOTF because they are all about dealing with PD behaviour - what is gaslighting, how to recognize it and deal with it, etc.  Here we are more focused on recovering from the Complex PTSD that PDs and other behaviours cause. 

[Sceal]

Hello!
I just wanted to welcome you to the forum!  Hope you'll find this a safe space