H with ADHD, his BPD M, emotional triggers = big arguments

[Perry1216]

My H has ADHD. I thought this was the cause of his  emotionally coming unglued at times. He will just skip from any rational argument into what his psychologist says is dissociating.

He just is emotionally reacting without emotional brakes. He's just saying things and he says he's not thinking. It's just tumbling out.

I thought this was something of a problem that had to be addressed with boundaries and discipline, etc. Not that I want to go that route of having to bring consequences to my H, but that's what I thought and he thought.

Then, someone brought up that it sounded like he's being triggered.

It seems like it happens a lot around food  / cooking.

I'm cooking. H says he doesn't like x food. I get annoyed because why is H saying this? I'm just trying to cook dinner.
H tries to JADE since he thinks he needs to. I get more annoyed because he could just not eat it.
I say "just don't eat it".
H gets super emotionally dysregulated and the emotional brakes are gone.
He starts reacting a lot to... what?
He says it's because his mom used to say "just don't eat it".
But with BPD M, him expressing he didn't like something was a problem, since she has NPD traits too of control, etc.

What can I do? He gets into a mode that is extremely contrary for no reason and I don't know how to get through to him.

He's suggested I play music when he gets that way so that it can get through to him and he can calm down.

These arguments have escalated really high because I start to anticipate it and then have a big reaction instead, hoping to preempt his big reaction.
It doesn't work.

He also has this similar reaction if I'm cooking something he doesn't like, that i KNOW he doesn't like, and I would never make for him, and then he emotionally dysregulates and nothing makes any sense.

[Three Roses]

I've been married to a guy exactly like this for 35+ years. When he gets like that, there's really nothing I can do, so I just back off, answer any questions calmly, and I don't try to talk him out of anything he's feeling or try to convince him he's overreacting.

In codependency there's a concept called detachment. It's not a cold, emotionally distant kind of detachment, but rather one where you let things run their course while you maintain your own inner peace. You just don't let yourself get drawn into turmoil. This has worked best for me thru the years of our marriage, although things did get so bad about 27 years in that I left him. I stayed gone for a year and told him he needed to do some looking at himself which to his credit he did. When I returned a year later there were still things we had to work on together. I also did some introspection during that time because I know our difficulties were not 100% all his fault. I let myself get dragged into reacting, instead of thoughtfully responding (if a response was even called for).

A couple of books that helped me - "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty; and "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Best wishes!

**update: just talked with my H about this subject, he says an understanding on your H's part of his own triggers and 4F type is key to his learning how to manage his triggers. I am gradually talking to my H about cptsd, so far he does not think he is affected by cptsd but I still think it's a good possibility.

[LilyITV]

Perry1216, my husband is like this too.  I don't know if he has ADHD or not but I suspect he has C-PTSD.  I don't have any good advice but I'm glad to see that Three Roses has some good words of wisdom.   It makes me feel good to know that there is a healthy way to maintain a relationship under these circumstances. 

It's so comforting to know that there are others who are struggling with this with their partners.  It's sad because when I was dating, I always said I did not want to end up with someone with a temper and here I am. 

[Perry1216]

I've been married to a guy exactly like this for 35+ years. When he gets like that, there's really nothing I can do, so I just back off, answer any questions calmly, and I don't try to talk him out of anything he's feeling or try to convince him he's overreacting.

In codependency there's a concept called detachment. It's not a cold, emotionally distant kind of detachment, but rather one where you let things run their course while you maintain your own inner peace. You just don't let yourself get drawn into turmoil. This has worked best for me thru the years of our marriage, although things did get so bad about 27 years in that I left him. I stayed gone for a year and told him he needed to do some looking at himself which to his credit he did. When I returned a year later there were still things we had to work on together. I also did some introspection during that time because I know our difficulties were not 100% all his fault. I let myself get dragged into reacting, instead of thoughtfully responding (if a response was even called for).

A couple of books that helped me - "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty; and "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Best wishes!

**update: just talked with my H about this subject, he says an understanding on your H's part of his own triggers and 4F type is key to his learning how to manage his triggers. I am gradually talking to my H about cptsd, so far he does not think he is affected by cptsd but I still think it's a good possibility.

What are some ways you began to stop reacting to his outbursts? I'm so drained that I don't often have the emotional brakes anymore lately. I feel like it all got worn down. I'm worn out. I've started reacting so much to everything in my personal life. My father said "I'll just tell you to tap the brakes" if I get too emotional. I've been the one being super emotional and acting out. I feel like I need a break from myself. I need a retreat, but I just can't take any more time off of work because I've already had some doctor's appointments, etc.

I know you guys suggested books and things, but it's just not time yet. I don't have time right now. I'm overwhelmed and I need to get through Christmas I think before I can really take time to apply to all of this... I think. Maybe it'll work out sooner.

[Three Roses]

Try the info here to see if it's applicable to you - http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

Please come here again to post more questions if you have them, we're here to support and encourage you. We'll tell you what has worked for us, and what hasn't.

How I stopped reacting was that one day I realized the only person I had any control over was myself. No one else. I started looking at my own issues and behavior, and doing what I could (even if it seemed very small) to break the habits of interacting I'd held for so long.

I care, please let me know how you are doing.

[Perry1216]

Try the info here to see if it's applicable to you - http://pete-walker.com/13StepsManageFlashbacks.htm

Please come here again to post more questions if you have them, we're here to support and encourage you. We'll tell you what has worked for us, and what hasn't.

How I stopped reacting was that one day I realized the only person I had any control over was myself. No one else. I started looking at my own issues and behavior, and doing what I could (even if it seemed very small) to break the habits of interacting I'd held for so long.

I care, please let me know how you are doing.

A lot of the rules / tips refer to flashbacks. Are flashbacks more like just when you get emotionally triggered, but you're not actually seeing the event again? Like, you're just emotionally remembering only, maybe subconsciously, but not in the forefront of your mind?

[Three Roses]

An emotional flashback is a return to the feelings you experienced during the traumatic events you've had. It can happen differently for different people - I find I sometimes don't know I'm having one until I can't figure out why I'm so upset. Other times it hits me full-on, I feel "triggered" and then feel the flashback to feelings of sadness, or terror, or whatever was happening.

From http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm -

Emotional flashbacks are sudden and often prolonged regressions ('amygdala hijackings') to the frightening circumstances of childhood. They are typically experienced as intense and confusing episodes of fear and/or despair - or as sorrowful and/or enraged reactions to this fear and despair. Emotional flashbacks are especially painful because the inner critic typically overlays them with toxic shame, inhibiting the individual from seeking comfort and support, isolating him in an overwhelming and humiliating sense of defectiveness.