Struggles in Understanding Grief

[Elphanigh]

Hey everyone, it has been a while since I have started a thread.. I have had so much happen but I haven't been sure where to begin. So Tuesday I had my therapy session and realized just how not equipped I am for grief. It is something that I was never given the chance to do or understand. It wasn't allowed, and it wasn't safe where I grew up. It was my job to care for everyone, so I never grieved for more than a few tears growing up. I have seen more deaths than I am years old, I have also had a lot of other loss in my life that was definitely worth grieving. Recently I have had two losses and feel the urge to grieve some of the stuff from my trauma as well, but I have a hard time recognizing and allowing those emotions to happen.


Has anyone else had issues with feeling grief? Or anyone good at grief that's might just have some general advice or things that helped?

[Sceal]

I too struggle with this aspect of life. So, unfortunately I don't have any advice or suggestions for you..I just wanted to share with you that you're not alone in this boat

[Blueberry]

  to Elpha. I'm too low atm myself to share anything useful.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both, it is good to not be alone 

[woodsgnome]

Just recognizing this relationship with grief is probably a good sign that grieving is indeed already happening. While many of the posts in this forum don't specifically mention grief, it's usually there in one form or another. Discussing some issues, even if no definitive answers become apparent, is a form of at least expressing grief. The sadness we all touch on here is an example of grieving in motion.

For me, it's not only about exterior losses, but my interior side too. Strange as it sounds, I'd come to rely on things like resentment and anger (mostly suppressed) to handle grief. They're actually useful outlets for the buildup of so much tension but the counter seems to be a reliance on their power instead of finding other ways, including the built-in ability to grieve. Not so much as a release even, but more as a necessary going within, a self-compassion tool in that sense.

Grief isn't always apparent, but it can be present and taking various forms. It's not just a release, it's a reorientation and that's hard given how habitual we make our lives while striving just to get through another day. Grief is also culturally discouraged, as in the 'just get over it' non-helpful slogans people try to force on you. This works--to cover grief up, but not to live with it.

Grief can, and often does, take time. I have several things that I've accepted I'll probably always grieve. I've surrendered to the notion, not in a defeatist way--at least I hope so but don't always succeed. Either way, it helps to realize that I'm alright and not some freak who can't handle stress. Some of it I really can't, but that's okay too; it's part of building self-compassion. Including for times when for whatever reason I can't grieve or don't recognize that I am. It's not a process that always wears a sign declaring "grief in progress."

There hasn't been a standard form my grief has taken. However it is for you, awareness of its part--on the surface or not--seems important to acknowledge, as you've done. Being open to how this grief might appear, or perhaps already has, might also help. For instance, while we often associate grief with tears, I've found that laughter in certain circumstances might also be carrying the grief process.

I wish you well as you continue to work with the ins and outs of grief. 

[Eyessoblue]

I think woods gnome has said it all, I was the same but as stated until you can find self compassion it's very hard to accept or experience grief, I had Cbt for self compassion as I had none, it got me to realise that it's ok not to be ok, if you feel like crying then just do it, the more you suppress the worse it is. Once I found some self compassion I focused on the feelings of 'now' which allowed me to start grieving, it was hard but the more time I spent on focusing on me and my feelings I found the tears started to flow, I was able to cry over the big and small things I had witnessed and gave myself time to just sit with it and feel it. It's like peeling back the layers of an onion my therapist said, but it is about giving yourself permission to do so.

[sanmagic7]

the one thing i know about grief is that we're usually very messy while going thru it.  it's a time of confusion, going back to some old, familiar coping mechanisms, and often not even able to think accurately. 

when we can recognize that what we're going thru is the grieving process, it's a time for patience with ourselves.  there is no set length of time to be done with it, and it can take different forms for everyone.  i think it's a time to respect our individuality, that our experience may not be like what we've read in books or how others see it.  it's unique to each of us.

much love and a big hug full of comfort and caring, sweetie.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you eveveryone, I haven't been able to look at my own post in quite a while... I really appreciate all the insight and wish I had the mental capacity to respond more fully. I will get to responding I promise. Just thank you so much!