TW :Talking about SA with siblings

[LizaCoolvibe]

Hello,

I'm a bit tormented concerning talking with my two sisters about the CSA I endured by F.

It wouldn't have occurred to me to bring this up until quite recently. I have been doubting about the CSA for quite long, suspecting myself to have unconsciously made up the story. But I am no longer at this stage, I had experienced rough flashback and memory recovering during therapy, making me confident that I wasn't being crazy. 
Furthermore, I talked with my F sister (my aunt), and she disclosed to me that he perpetrated CSA to her (he was 15 and she 7). She now refuses to be in the same place as him, as he attempted 2 years ago to get his hand in her panty.  While this talk was very hard emotionally, it reinforced my conviction, I was no longer the only one (to my knowledge) that he abused.

Being now certain about the reality of what he did, I wonder and fear that my sisters could have been CSA victim as well. Thinking about this possibility breaks  my heart, but I think to have a moral duty to have a talk with each one, at least to inform them of what he did to me. If one of them was abused, such a talk could spare her some years of horrible doubts and pain.

I am not really afraid of them not believing if I disclose. Both my S are now refusing to take a call from F, as he used to psychologically harass them for too long. I am the elder child, four year older than my first S. We had some talk about him where she told me it would be better for everyone if he finally killed himself. This sounds quite extreme, even to me at the time, given that she isn't at all violent.
In that context, I don't think that it's likely for her to defend him against me, which would be devastating for me. Yet I can't figure out a way to talk to her about this, I am afraid to put something  so heavy on her shoulders that will break her. Thinking about this possible talk makes me feel nauseous and helpless, but I really feel that my duty is to let her know, because it will help her in acknowledging and healing if she was also abused.

I would be glad to have other views than mine on this situation. It is hard for me to think clearly about the potential risks and benefits of disclosing to them, I can't cope with the emotional load. All views are welcome, I might haven't think of something important, so please don't hesitate to give me honest opinions.

Cheers 

[Blueberry]

Atm I'd say your duty is to yourself. Talking about abuse of whatever type to FOO members, even those we suspect to have been abused themselves, is not easy. So please do take your time about this, make sure you yourself are stable and in a safe place emotionally.

Healing takes its time and so long as your siblings are no longer in the situation (no longer living with your F), I wouldn't say there's an urgency to let them know. Too much information can bowl them over. I'm speaking from experience, unfortunately.

[LizaCoolvibe]

Thank you for your response Blueberry. Clearly no-one would benefit from such talk if I break down emotionally.

I know that I'm not very stable myself, but I am experiencing a strong impulse for actions about this past. It is quite new to me, I am usually much more prone to  avoid talks, be quiet, unnoticed.

The few times I acted on impulse didn't went well, there were not related to disclose more to putting myself in harmful situations. Like having sex with not nice people, or threatening a co-worker by text message because of an homophobic joke from him.

It's very confusing because these kind of actions wouldn't even cross my mind most of the time. They don't fit to my way of being.

Also, since my sisters are now away from F, there is objectively no emergency.
I feel stupid for having asked this question, clearly you are right. 

Thank you

[LizaCoolvibe]

The first post was the first time I exposed these facts in a structured, non-euphemistic way.

Even with my T, I don't think I ever expressed like this. In verbal communication, I tend to lose my focus or overfocus on specific details when talking about CSA.

Having posted this make me feel uncomfortable now. Like if I had been exhibitionist. It also makes me feel insecure, I know internet never forget and it scares me a bit. I took enough precaution to ensure anonymity so this is only a feeling.

[Kizzie]

Liza, you can delete or modify posts that make you uncomfortable after the fact - use the "Actions" button on the right of the screen above the dialogue box. 

Also, it might be an idea to talk to your T about talking with your S's and work on a plan together about when, how to approach the subject, etc.  Just a thought.

[LizaCoolvibe]

Thank you Kizzie for the tips about the Action button.
I don't think I'm gonna use it though. While feeling uncomfortable, I don't think to have crossed red lines in said post.

Mainly, I want to quit my habits of fear and shame towards people. The post topic is heavy but it is unlikely that people here would shame or blame me for it.
That being said, I'm glad the button exists 

Regarding discussion with T, I am planning to do it as I see her tomorrow.

[LizaCoolvibe]

After talking with T, we ended up deciding that such talk/disclose would likely be overwhelming and hard for me to cope with, whatever the outcome might be.
After so many years, some months won't make a big difference in the talk, but some months might help to handle it.

Thanks for your insight Blueberrry and Kizzie

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear you and T have a plan Liza.