why do i care

[Phoebes]

So, out at a pub to see world cup. eventually a brit asked me to join his group for a drink. proceeded to be total *. I'm familiar with this scenario. Don't take it personally. However, how did he manage to say a couple of things that really pushed my buttons? Really hurt. This is the very thing that discourages me from getting out and meeting people. Although I know he is just an *, why does it bother me? And how did I manage to attract this type. It's really frustrating- a set back.

[Phoebes]

Ugh. I'm replying to myself. So, i know intellectually it's all projections. Who knows who this guy is or why. It doesn't even matter. What doeos concern me is out of the hundreds of people in the place, why does this person magnetize to me, ask me to join his group for a drink, and then proceed to covertly put me down? And when he did, I knew he was being an * but I didn't react. I just froze, and then a few minutes later said well thanks for the drink, nice to meet you all, and left. I felt like I successfully didn't give the reaction he may have been looking for, but then again, he managed to say a couple of things that struck me deeply. It's kind of like thinking the vibe I give off is a turn-off, dorky, weird, or something. His comments confirmed that.

[Libby183]

I think I know just what you are talking about.  These days, it's as if every interaction,  however minor, is so "painful". 

As to why we care? I think that we are genuinly nice people, who think about what others might be thinking and feeling. But most other people seem not to give a second thought to what effect they may be having on others. For me, it's what makes interacting so difficult. 

Hugs to you Phoebes.

Libby

[ah]

Phoebes,

I can only talk about myself, I care a lot too. I think it's because I grew up so scared of others' projections of me. The slightest attention from others was dangerous, let alone their moods or hits at criticism. It's why I'd freeze too if I were in your shoes.
And I agree with Libby, you're a good person who cares.

As for what that guy was doing? My ignorant uninformed guess is he's a narcissist or worse and he had a little fun pushing your buttons. He was out hunting.

Good for you for noticing you were triggered and then quietly leaving. If I were you I'd be disappointed in myself. I'd wish I didn't freeze. Didn't sit down with them. Didn't "let" him push all those buttons. But you didn't do any of this. You were baited. The fact that he managed to push so accurately and quickly tells me he's someone with a PD. He probably picked you because he's a bad guy and he was bored or something. I think the fact that you noticed you were being triggered and didn't show him your emotions may in itself be a huge step forward. It's the anti trauma bond, that.

* people are out there everywhere, sadly... I think you acted well. You did the best you could. No wonder you were triggered, you must have felt trapped. Yikes! I can imagine.
These small daily experiences can be so hard because they reinforce the belief that we can't do it. But sounds to me like you met an * and handled it really well.

[sanmagic7]

phoebes, may i add the idea connected to the 'hunting' concept that ah talked about.  these people will go from one person to another in order to see who takes their bait.  if it weren't you, it would have been someone else.  they pick people at random to see who will join them, then make their moves.

like any predator, they'll push buttons for as long as you let them.  the fact that you realized what was going on and got out of there speaks volumes to the progress you've made.  well done.  we don't always recognize such people right away, so may get stung by some of their barbs.  all we can do is keep the damage to a minimum, which is exactly what it sounds like you did.

i'm sorry you had this experience, but really glad that you were able to see him for what he was, an *, and left.  you can give yourself a pat on the back for that.  love and hugs, phoebes.

[Phoebes]

Libby, I hadn't been meeting people or interacting much with strangers since my lightbulb moment and research about NPD, going NC with some family, and really understanding why I've attracted and tried to stay with the men I have in the past. I got to thinking as the day went on, WOW, I have not mastered my boundaries at all, and must have the same vibe as before. ACK. Not a nice feeling. As for him, he's simply one of those N's on the prowl and I guess picked up on it. It's weird because I wasn't even doing anything but unlocking my bike when he approached me.

ah, I think you're spot on. It's funny you said he was bored, because after a few minutes, that's exactly what he said! Amongst other things. We were all drinking so that fed into the situation. I would have never sat down with them otherwise.

The thing is, I have quite a few british friends who I have played soccer with and who are close friends. One wasn't there but at work, but I was there to cheer on england by myself. I have lived and worked abroad and made many friends. My true friends have remained over the years, several of whom are brits. Yet this guy managed to tell me brits would not like me, my personality. (Wow, mother much?) It's funny he says that because my friends who are british say the opposite, but they choose to actually "see" me.

As I thought it through, I remembered some of the things I've learned in the past couple of years. I'm usually focused on solving the Nm conundrum, but I realize the men I've picked "ARE" my Nm in male form. If anyone can criticize the things I care about most, and not see the real me, it's my mother. I've read where PD's are uncanny at seeing what would hurt you and pushing the right buttons. Wow, this guy sure did. He didn't see me at all, and then criticized and mocked the time and energy I was giving him (10-15 minutes? lol) I guess it was simply an example of what the material Iv'e read/watched is talking about to beware of! He was testing me to see if he could get to me, and while he did internally, I don't think I let it show. I think I could have said something, but at least I left with my dignity in tact and wasn't an * in return. He wouldn't have cared what I said.

Lesson learned. Yeah, I am timid and usually stay home with this stuff, but I got out there on my own and did something, and it was fun up until then. I did meet some seemingly nice people who invited me out for next match. So, are they nice? Do they have some other motive? Who knows? I guess I can just go and have my antennas up. But they seemed alright.

[Phoebes]

San, thank you so much for that! That means a lot to hear. I guess it is really all anyone can do-get away. I think "normal" people have it engrained that their family is the foundation for not believing what these people have to say. I imagine someone with support would think, "what's YOUR problem, **? But for us, the sting is because their words confirm what our parents have been telling us, or the message they've sent through actions, all along. It feels like mere strangers can see the "defects" our parents have been trying to tell us!

The only think I could have done a little better is left sooner, and maybe said something, but still, was only there a few minutes. Funnily, I felt "rude" if I left before I finished the beer he bought me. That's a little disturbing to me, but I think I did make some progress there. I think in the past I would have stuck around, perhaps trying to gain some approval before he really went for the jugular.

It still is surprising to me that there are actually predators out there doing these things. And why were these others at the table his friend? I can't imagine anyone tolerating him for long.

[sanmagic7]

why do any predators have people around them?  they all serve needs for each other.  what we're learning is not to be one of those servants anymore.

yeah, i've felt that 'rude' pull in my life.  it's a learning process to know it's ok to take care of ourselves, and that self-care is never rude.  we've been taught otherwise in our pasts in order to stay stuck in that 'servant' role for others.  but, we're learning . . .  i've also gone the 'wanting to get approval route'.  i've discovered it's a dead end.  we don't need no stinkin' approval!!!  people will either want to be with us or not, and those who don't, well, we don't have to try to convince them otherwise. that was a tough one for me to learn.  i still don't always do it well, but it's better than it was.

well done, sweetie.  love and hugs to you.

[Phoebes]