Blues' journal

[Rainydaze]

Today I tried the verbal ventilation that Pete Walker suggests in his book. I wandered around the house at lunch time just talking about everything that was on my mind and reasoning through it out loud. I felt like a bit of a nutter but I think it actually did me a lot of good. Writing is good too but actually hearing my own voice reassure myself seemed to give me a lot of satisfaction.

I've been doing so much thinking about the past just lately and it's getting to the point where I feel sick of it. I don't want to hide my feelings the way I used to but it's all so intense...how are you supposed to go to work and appreciate the normal aspects of life when you're triggered constantly?! I hope it gets better. Today I did have a situation where something which would normally have triggered me into a panic response went really smoothly. It sounds so minor but I had a conversation with one of the managers at work and maintained eye contact. I managed to reassure my inner child throughout the whole thing too and we did great. Then he came back through about something else and I was back to being flushed. You win some you lose some I suppose! It just goes to show that improvements can happen though and that maybe I am on the right tracks.

I still haven't heard from my PD dad. I haven't actually phoned him for years but every 4 weeks or I usually get a phone call from him when he thinks of something he needs from me. I'm not counting properly but it must be about 5/6 weeks since we spoke. I was feeling guilty about not ringing him but I read an article last night about how sociopathic narcissists use the silent treatment as a form of punishment and that they don't feel remorse in the same way that people are usually wired to. It's put things into perspective. I desperately want to reach out because it is human nature to have connections and nurture them, whereas the PD father gains his energy and power from punishing through silence. He's punishing me just for saying no to looking after his dog while he was on holiday, even though I genuinely wasn't able to! It's all incredibly sick and twisted really.

I've been recalling memories of how bad it actually was to live alone with him when I was in my mid teens. I'm not surprised I've developed the anxiety and shame that I have as an adult. Memories are coming back to me like not having a door which would shut properly to the bathroom and him not bothering to repair the kitchen taps, so to wash up (which was always left up to me) I would have to go upstairs with the bowl and fill it up there, then bring it down again. I would say this would be acceptable short term if works were actively on-going, but something would break and he would just go stay with his girlfriend where everything worked rather than repairing anything. This went on for years. He used his health as an excuse. He was ill so people bought it and he got away with it. If you really cared for your child though then wouldn't you pay for repair work rather than taking yourself off to Australia on holiday and buying yourself brand new cars? Funny (or not) how I had to make do without a shower, flushing toilet or door which would close on the main bathroom while he had full use of a functioning en-suite bathroom. What a selfish *. He made me feel ashamed for not doing more round the house but I did as much as I could while studying hard, I really had nothing more to give. At the time I knew the way he belittled me was not fair but unfortunately it has stuck and I worry a lot about what people think of me and my actions. I think it's because I had to keep pre-empting what would trigger him into shaming me. When you're in defensive mode for so long it's hard to snap out of. 

It didn't so much bother me at the time because I was just elated to escape, but as soon as I moved out he moved his girlfriend in and did the entire house up to pretty much showroom standards so that everything was functional for her. I'm talking power showers and over the top mirrors where the lights come on when you clap your hands. Their relationship is weird though. She doesn't love him, she stays with him because she has nowhere else to go following her divorce and she gets masses of free holidays out of him. He has her around because she cooks and cleans for him. It is a messed up relationship, so the house improvements just hide the shallowness really.

It's actually been ok with him for the past couple of years while I have stayed on side. I suppose you could say that I was the golden child for quite a while. I've always known that as soon as I say no to him then that will be it though. How awful that a father/adult child relationship is based on one doing constant favours to appease the behaviour of the other, rather than mutual love and respect. I could have bent myself backwards trying to continue to please him for an easier life but why should I? I am so sick of my own needs going unanswered for his sake. What makes him so special that everyone should drop everything they're doing and rush around for his every whim? Why should I adapt my behaviour to what I think will please him? What do I actually get from it other than feelings of shame and self-hate? No-one wants to be a doormat, it's humiliating.

Right, I think I've well and truly vented for now. I'm so glad to be an adult!