New Therapist and I'm not so sure.....

[MGrizz]

Hi this is my first post.  And I could really use some feedback - I'm feeling quite lost about this.   

I really miss my old therapist - we really connected and I was seeing him for 18 months (I went to see him about depression originally) - but when I went into Crisis Mode after an exercise in grief recovery, he told me that he was not the specialized therapy that I needed and he referred me to the Sexual Assault Centre here. And that was it - no more support - I was crushed and felt like I had been left in the Atlantic Ocean without a boat.  Just like I did when I was a child, asking for help.  It really reinforced the thought that "I was not worth it".

I did call the Sexual Assault Centre and unfortunately there is a 4 month wait to get in to see someone there. So while I wait, my General Practitioner suggested I see a different therapist through my employee benefits program (I can't afford to pay for one myself) - she said there is no way you can wait for 4 months.    I saw the new therapist a couple weeks ago and I'm not so sure about her - the more I think about it the more I worry.

The first thing she told me is that even though I asked for a therapist that specialized in trauma was that she has no experience in trauma. So I thought, ok maybe she can help me increase my self-worth, to get the suicidal thoughts out of my head. Help me calm things down a bit.  Maybe I can finally learn to like myself.

When I told her that I needed her to help me get through the 4 month wait to get into the Sexual Assault Centre, it was like she didn't believe me. She said "that's strange, I just sent a Mom and her daughter there and they took them in right away. Why would you have to wait 4 months?"  I told her maybe because it was a child you sent with her Mom - the child would have more priority.  How am I suppose to have an answer for that....... did she not believe me? Very awkward moment.  And it did make me feel awful.

When I told her at a very high level of the sexual abuse I experienced over 40 years ago (from when I was 3 up until I was 16), she kept going on and on about why my abuser was not in jail. "Did you not go to the police?" Why yes I did but not until it was 10 years after it ended. "Why is he not in jail?" That question shocked me. I have no idea why the police did not lay charges but they have pages and pages of my statement and they have a file on him. Maybe it was because all the evidence they had was my statement, I have no idea. But he's dead now anyway. Even after I told her that he was dead, she kept going on asking me why the police didn't charge him..... Did she not believe me with that either?  "Did your parents not know, they are suppose to protect you?"  Yes they did know, at least my Mom did but nothing was done.  I sure didn't feel very good about myself with her questioning me like that.  Yes parents are suppose to protect you, mine didn't - thanks for the reminder.

I think I kind of zoned out after that because I don't remember much of what she was talking about. She did agree that it sounds like I have PTSD and she could recommended some trauma counselling for me.  I agreed to that but she didn't mention it again while i was there.

My next appointment with her is mid-July. In the meantime she gave me homework:

1.Every day I'm to wear something that makes me feel pretty <--- this just made me realize that I have no pretty clothes or anything that will make me feel pretty.  I'm old, and 100 pounds overweight - and I just don't feel pretty and this exercise makes me aware of that fact.

2.Every morning I am to look myself in the mirror and say "I am pretty. This is going to be a good day because I'm going to make it a good day" <--- this actually feels like a lie when I say it and I really don't like how it makes me feel.  it makes me feel worse about myself.

3. Every day I'm to walk for 15 minutes outside and garden for 5 minutes <---I choose my treadmill; with COPD it makes it easier to breath

4. Every day I'm to drink water with lemon and eat healthy<--she think lemon will detox me, but I like lemon and vitamin c never hurts lol

And this last assignment, I'm not so sure about.....

5. I'm to write a letter to my abuser and and to each member of my family it can be pages and pages, then "we will have a ceremony, burn it and all the pain will be gone from me because I have let it go"?  She was quite adamant that this would release me and she went on and on 

That last assignment, I don't think I should do it just yet. Not because I can't write the letters but I think it will put me back into crisis mode, it will bring back a flood of memories/feelings and with her not having experience in trauma I'll have no support again. And the last time I was in crisis mode, without support, it was a really close one. The only reason I'm still here is the thought of my leaving this world would hurt my grand-daughter. The crisis mode was caused by a grief recovery letter to a lost loved one - one that wasn't the abuser - but it brought ALL the memories of my abuse back.

Plus I don't think writing a letter to my abuser will actually 'cure' me like she thinks it will. I've already confronted my abuser 20+ years ago and that didn't cure me - how is a burnt letter going to do what that didn't?

Am I looking at this the wrong way? I'm thinking of telling her that I don't feel safe about writing the letters until I can see someone who is experienced in trauma. What would you do?

[radical]

I Would Never, Ever Go Back.

I know we should not give advice but words can't do justice to how atrocious what you have described is.

I'm sorry.

[MGrizz]

Thank you for your response Radical.  It's good to know that I'm not being over-sensitive and may have reason to worry.  It's just that I don't think I can go without support until I get in to see someone at the centre.  but then ..... am I really getting support?  I don't know.  I think I will go back one more time but practice my assertiveness training and express my concerns.

[Libby183]

Hi Mgrizz and welcome.

I too would be very wary of this therapist. I have recently had a poor experience with therapy and couldn't help but notice some similarities - the insistence on writing letters and burning them. In my case, it was a letter of forgiveness to my parents.  It didn't help me in the slightest. 

She also pressed me to do things similar to those your therapist gave you as homework. She was very keen that I went out and enjoyed myself,  with other people around me eg, restaurants full of happy families,  parks and beaches on sunny days. She was really just saying "think positive"  and you will enjoy yourself. That seems to be what your therapist was advocating.  Mine didn't grasp that,  thanks to childhood experience,  I am not at all sure what enjoying oneself involves!

All of this advice felt like the stuff all therapists trot out when they have nothing better to offer.  We aren't able to do it successfully so the therapist can say we are resistant.  Case closed.

Please tread very carefully with this therapist,  in the hope it might get you access to better,  trauma based therapy. You clearly deserve more than this one has to offer.

Best of luck to you,  and take care.

Libby

[Blueberry]

I'd be inclined not to go back either. I used to try therapists again even when the signs weren't good. It never worked out well. Second, third appointments - no improvement. I eventually stayed away.

I certainly wouldn't do any homework that feels like too much or that makes you uneasy. My therapist gives me homework and when I don't do it he says that's the interesting part. That's when we can get a bit further, where we can see what's hindering me. Homework is never a 'must'. He certainly didn't give me 4 tasks to do everyday after my first appointment with an additional one that might come of its own accord much further along in healing.

I can understand you feeling nervous about having no support, but having the wrong support when you have cptsd can be a lot worse than no support. It can backfire badly in my experience.

There is a lot of support and validation on the forum, as well as a ton of information which some people use to tide them over till they get into appropriate therapy. I hope it helps you for a while too.

Oh, and welcome to the forum!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi m grizz 
Thank you for sharing, helps me too.
With your original therapist was there any closure session or once the crisis exercise had been done did the session end there ?

Re support whilst you wait for sexual trauma support. It seems inmportant that you are supported by someone who has trauma experience. Also for me I use phone lines if I am getting suicidal ideation. Also, speaking to gp about these thoughts and if there is someone they can refer you to specifically for support around this or indeed have a wkly appointment with the gp so they can keep assessment of that.

With regard to this 'interim 'therapist' they do not seem a safe person for you to be opening up to and I would suggest to keep your self safe ...
so much of what you have shared about that session is ringing alarm bells as I listen to it..
I recently had some phone counselling via an employee support scheme and prematurely ended it as I wasn't feeling safe. Better to not have the support than bad support. My internal world can be so fragile it is so so important who I let in and who I say no to.
From what you have explained this therapist is overly judgemental and coming across as self righteous the very basis of a good support is not to be things. things.
Also not being trauma trained and suggesting to write letters doesn't sound a safe practice to me .. no not at all. This exercise needs to be in context with much more therapeutic processes.
In my experience quote 'and all the pain will go away'. No it doesn't my my not at all. If writing a letter took away all the pain of cptsd my life would look radically different ( I did this with my 1st therapist- 20 yrs ago). This is extremely neave thinking and clearly shows this therapists lack of training and experience. Not her fault she doesn't know what she doesn't know but it's concerning she seems to be lacking self awareness and common sense.
Mgrizz if you feel strong enough You could send your record of this session to a senior where this therapist works or maybe better to the professional board that this counsellor practices under. This can be an empowering thing to do and also could help others in the future.
But back to you and your safety maybe go back to your gp and let them know what has happened and you need the right safe and considered support

[ah]

I Would Never, Ever Go Back.

I know we should not give advice but words can't do justice to how atrocious what you have described is.

I'm sorry.

I couldn't agree more.

What you describe sounds like a combination of unethical cluelessness, insensitivity, and ignorant "feel good" shallow advice that can do harm. Everything she said and did has nothing to do with trauma related pain, and is... well, I agree wholeheartedly with Radical.

No wonder you were triggered by it, I think I definitely would be too.
I wouldn't talk to her again in person. I think you don't have to give her a reason, you don't need to explain, to be agreed with or to engage any further except to politely say you'll be cancelling. If it isn't for you, you have every right to decide that and look elsewhere.

Also, personally I find books on trauma and the brain useful too. One book I personally keep returning to is "The body keeps the score" by Bessel van der Kolk as well as "Complex PTSD, from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker.
Some resources aren't helpful and not all points of view make sense to me. But some do. There are a lot of resources on trauma and the brain nowadays, and I find some of them can be therapeutic in their own right. Gaining knowledge about what's happening to you can be empowering. A way to become your own therapist while you keep looking for a good trauma therapist who can help you do all that.

You have every right to have painful emotions. You went through painful experiences... and to gradually make sense of them. This is serious stuff, you deserve better.
You deserve a better therapist and more empathy, kindness and love and respect for the pain you're going through.

I too think you're looking at this the right way.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, sorry to hear of your experience. I was actually thinking about 'libby' who has already answered you and her poor therapy experience. I think the first problem for you is the fact that she isn't specialised in trauma, I've had 2 that weren't and one who was and the difference is incredible to the one who was who totally understood everything I said. I strongly advice you only work with a trauma trained therapist.
I've done the writing letters to my abusers and burning them and I have to say that for me this was a good cathartic emotional release exercise and afterwards I did feel like I'd removed and let go of something inside me. I'm not saying this would work for everyone but it did for me.
I too by my not so good therapist was told to tell myself I loved myself, go for a long walk, etc. None of which helped me, I've got really bad depression and some days can't even get out of bed and when I feel like I can't even take a shower how would I sit in front of a mirror telling myself I loved myself and wanting to go out for a walk!!  My trauma trained therapist would have known not to suggest this and when I told her she actually laughed and said they didn't have a clue!  So just wanted to say chose wisely because a poor therapist can be so damaging as I think it was in 'libby's' case.

[MGrizz]

Thank you all for such a warm welcome and for your feedback. 

I agree with you all.  I think I will call the company that she's under and ask for a trauma based therapist or just cancel my appointment.  I do deserve more than what she's offering me and I really don't feel like justifying my needs to her when she said her self that she can't fill them.  And you're right, even the daily mirror thing is causing damage to my psyche right now - as I look in the mirror and lie to myself it's pulling me back into that dark place of depression.

I did buy a book - which is similar to Peter Walker's book.  It's called "From Surviving to Thriving - A Therapist's Guide to Stage II Recovery for Survivors of Childhood Abuse" written by Mary Bratton. It's for therapists but it does say that it's written in accessible language and includes explanations of clinical concepts so clients can also benefit from reading it as well.  I did start reading it and wow - I can relate to so much stuff in there.  But then I got nervous, my confidence wavered so I put it down but I'll pick it up again - use it for my "me" time and continue my own therapy.  I'm a big girl, I need to own this and take care of me now.  It's time.

With the book, the centre's hotline and this group, I should be able to wait for my appointment at the Sexual Assault Centre.  And who knows, maybe I won't even need to go to the Centre by the time they call me?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.  It feels so good to finally find a place where I belong, where I can be myself, with people that understand me.   

[Boatsetsailrose]

How's it going m grizz ?

[MGrizz]

How's it going m grizz ?

Hi Boatsetsailrose     I'm doing ok, thank you for asking. 

Although I chickened out about cancelling my appointment because I really don't like conflict and would rather avoid it.  So I went to the appointment but took my book with me.  I also suggested that she read it to expand her knowledge of trauma therapy.  She was kinda taken back by my bringing the book but she did take a picture of the cover so she could review it on-line later.  I tried to steer the conversation about what was in the book and the exercises I was doing from it.  she agreed it was a good thing for me to read and it seemed to be helping.  the rest of the appointment was pretty futile. 

She actually argued with me when I said that I couldn't say "I am pretty" in the mirror every day, I told her I would rather say "I am enough" and that seemed to anger her even more .......  Oh and that I should drink water with lots of lemons so the lemon would detox me ........  that it was my fault my adult son was not working and is at home ........  and that it was hotter here (I live in Northern Alberta, Canada where it is Winter 7 to 8 months out of the year)  than where she use to live in Florida because we (up in the North) are closer to the Sun so the Sun is stronger and it burns?        If I remember my science class of 40 odd years ago, I'm pretty sure that's not true - something about countries on the equator being closer - and I'm definitely not on the equator.     I may have or may not have stopped listening to her at that point.   

So other than me talking about what I was doing with the 'From surviving to thriving' book, there was no real therapy given.  I'm pretty sure I'm not going to go back - it's wasting her time and is wasting mine.  Plus I don't need the stress of having a therapist argue with me over my opinions or choices.

So I'm trying to stay calm and continue on.  I'm up to chapter 8 in my book and I'm finding it so very informative.  It's helping me understand why I am the way I am and I am hopeful that it will help me heal.  It's a really good book and is extremely helpful.

[Eyessoblue]

Oh dear that doesn't sound good, when you started your paragraph it sounded quite positive that she was interested in the book etc but as you carried on it sounds to me like another therapist wearing the 'I'm a therapist badge' but not actually able to help you without putting her thoughts and feelings through to you.
My therapist the trauma trained one listens to everything I say empathetically she never argues she may put a 'thought' through to me in a way that I listen and take on board what she says without her judging me or telling me what I should do.
I understand you didn't want to cancel the appointment I would have been the same, but think that now this just validates she maybe is not the right person for you.
In the uk we through the nhs have a right to ask for someone else if the match isn't right and my therapist told me this is absolutely fine and we have the right to do this as therapy won't work if we can't connect with the therapist. Hope you manage to get on ok and I'm glad the book is helping you.