Sleep issues and impact on partner

[Hope67]

Hi - I wanted to reflect on what happened last night - in that me and my partner both went to sleep.  During the night I experienced an event whereby I felt extreme terror (which I now relate to having felt when I was a child, and it is a really intense flash-back to that feeling which replicates itself sometimes in my sleep) - so I felt that - and reacted by crying, shaking and my heart raced significantly - I could hear my partner soothing me - and telling me I am ok - this is a really good reaction for me, as I felt soothed by his words and I was able to get back to sleep again.  Hence the experience was such that I think I did wake, and he was talking to me and soothing me.  We talked about this today.

However, for him, he ended up later having a nightmare - which he told me about in the morning - although I knew he had had a nightmare as I remember in the middle of the night hearing him with a 'muffled scream' and I put my arm around him and soothed and comforted him, telling him he was ok.  He then calmed and appeared to sleep.  When we spoke about this in the morning, he told me that his experience had been that he had been dreaming that we were in a cottage somewhere, which he said was 'like a haunted house' - so it had a scary aspect to it.  Anyway, he told me that my FOO (parents) had shocked him by arriving at that house, and then proceeding to sleep in one of the bedrooms, and he had come into their room and had ***TW (mentioning physical altercation)....
tried to drag my F out of his bed by his feet (end of TW) ***

Then he had woken up, he thinks, but he's not sure.  He doesn't remember me comforting him and trying to soothe him back to restful sleep.

My concerns about this are that my own flashbacks and issues about my FOO seem to be impacting on my partner, and he has ended up being very worried for me - when he sees me experiencing my sleep issues etc, and also he seems to have developed some of his own.  I am wondering if I am ending up vicariously traumatising him.  I am worried about that.  I don't want to affect him in that way.

I realise I am personalising this again - because I do tend to think that things are my fault - 'if only I did this or that'... things would be different - and I realise it's not my fault - but I am worried for him.

We do communicate about things, but I just wanted to write about this here and see if you can share any thoughts or experiences that might help me with this dilemma of potentially passing on sleep disturbances to my partner. 

Hope 

[Wattlebird]

Hi hope I'm sorry about your nightmares, and your partners as well, it's an awful thing to go thru,
My hubby has many sleep disterbances usually involving hullucinations and acting out, its awful sometimes, Its great you can talk it thru, hopefully processing this stuff together will help him deal with any feeling he has about your foo, it's hard but keep talking
Not sure if I've been any help

[Hope67]

Thank you Wattlebird, it is very helpful - thank you - we will keep communicating.  I appreciate your reply very much. 
Hope 

[Deep Blue]

Hope,
I have sleep disturbances similar to yours.  I do not tend to scream or thrash but I tend to hyperventilate and wake up soaked or in the middle of a panic attack.

My husband has NEVER woken up to this.  She is a sound sleeper and I'm light. He snores and sleeps in another bedroom.  When we travel we still share a bed and he has still never woken up. 
I wish I could communicate with him the way you do with your husband. 

Remember though, you cannot cause him to get nightmares.  That is his own subconscious working things out as he sleeps.  You can't control the substance of his dreams just as you can't control the substance of mine.  You are not responsible for his dreams my friend.  Sleep issues come and go throughout many people's lives.  Continue being open with one another and keep up the good work 

[Ellis]

Hey Hope,

I have to agree with a lot of what Deep Blue has mentioned. I think it's very important to communicate to your partner about these things and I'm glad you're doing so. But I believe that any sensible and mature person would want to support their partner in any way. What would he prefer? To talk to you and hear your thoughts, be there to comfort you... or just leave you to your own thoughts without letting them out? I would imagine it's the former.

As long as your partner is practicing self care and talking with you, don't blame yourself for these things.
That is just my two cents, but I'm sorry to hear about your night terrors. I can understand the pain.

Regards,
Ellis.

[Hope67]

Hi Deep Blue - I've only just read your reply today - sorry I didn't see it before now - sometimes I just miss things!  I'm sure you're right that my partner would prefer me to talk to him about my thoughts and feelings - and in the main, I do just that.  I'm sorry to hear that your husband has never woken up - and I also wish that you were able to communicate with him about these things - as I feel sure it would be positive to do so.  But I can also recognise how it could be challenging to do that too - so it's not easy.  It's interesting that I seem to be blaming myself for many things - including thinking that somehow I've caused him to get nightmares - it was partly that he has suggested he had 'caught them' off me.  But you're right, it's not possible - so I must think differently about that.  Thanks so much for your encouragement and support.    to you, Deep Blue. 

Hi Ellis - thank you so much for your reply - and I feel sure that you're right that my partner would prefer to talk to me and hear my thoughts, and be there to comfort me, rather than anything else.  I have been shouldering blame for many things - and I recognise that.  I appreciate your two cents, they are like gold to me - so thank you very much.  Warm regards to you, Ellis.

Hope