Just Discovered Complex PTSD

[CVictor]

I just recently ended my abusive relationship of over 22 years this past October.  It was my third attempt at getting out and it finally was a success.  I guess you can actually say I finally got out in September of 2013 because that was the last and final time he hurt me.  I immediately took action to keep him away not just for my safety physically but emotionally as well.  The only way I could prevent myself from repeating the pattern of behavior.  That was a day I never thought would be possible.  I still sit and think how much I never really truly thought I would be free.  I also never really knew what free meant and what it would feel like.  It has been terrifying.  The darkest roads I have ever traveled because I did not and still do not know how to exist in this new world.  I have been so used to predicting and adapting in a volatile environment that I do not know how to do that in this world without him in it.  I find others to assume the role, figuratively speaking meaning I assume everyone is capable of being him so I try to adapt.

I was in one of my darkest moments yet last night.  My work is waging war and punishing me for time missed this last year and half of leaving him.  I have had many court hearings for criminal and family court, medical appointments for the injuries I withstood, and psychiatric appointments trying to recover.  I am at a point where things are starting to really ooze to the surface.  I thought I was doing so well, even thought I was improving on a scale that was impossible.  Turns out it was just me doing what I have always done - stuff it down and remove the emotion.  Last night I was low, I didn't want to die but I didn't want to live either.  That left me with nothing other than indifferent.  I felt helpless and defenseless.  I feel helpless and defenseless.  I thought I turned off that road but apparently I am still there.  Every day I have horrible anxiety when at work.  I feel like I am under attack and have no one to help or to run.  I trapped all over again and just want everything to stop.  I cannot take anymore.  I made a statement and a friend reached out to me with concern.  In the last couple of years I have worked hard on accepting fear.  I would never admit it or say it.  We all know why, it would mean I would have to be vulnerable and that means I'm open or free game.  My close friends knew the relationship was abusive but no one knew really to what extent.  No one but me really knows - well and him but he doesn't really think he's done anything wrong.  I opened up to that close friend last night and it led me to search for answers on line. 

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2012 but never really believed in it.  It did not add up totally for me.  Last night I found Out of the Fog and it was such a blessing.  The information on Complex PTSD described me to a tee.  Everything I have been saying was right there in front of me.  The reality is right in front of me, the idea that I can get better is right there and I do not know how to grasp it.  My friend told me that I am going to have to let the ugly out and I'm going to have to face it.  I have learned a lot about myself and the coping mechanisms I created over the years.  A few things I knew for sure were I removed emotion from everything accept affection for my children.  A hug, kiss, slap, shove...all even playing fields for me.  Completely desensitized from it all.  I also did not emotionally accept or deal with the abuse.  I stuffed it all down, shoved it under the rug, and moved on.  I have let counselors in to an extent but I have learned to manipulate a conversation to avoid topics so well that I do not even realize I am doing it.  When I thought I was tearing down walls this last year, I did not realize I was secretly rebuilding them.  I have let one person become extremely close to me and I shove him away every chance I get too comfortable or things are too easy.  I want to feel safe and I want to have relationship but I just don't know how.  I cannot bring myself to feel or deal with my trauma.  Partly I think it is because there is just so dang much of it.  The other reason is I think I am afraid to open the flood gates knowing it's going to be a rough ride.  It has to be, it should be.  I want to get it all out so I can finally move on but I do not know who to trust with it or who can handle it all. 

I am so thankful for finding this site and hope someone can tell me how to end this.  I cannot deal with the constant pain and fear that overwhelms me daily.  I cannot sleep without medication and I cannot handle any static or too much excitement.  Just typing about it has my muscles tense and in pain.  I am tired of feeling this way and desperately need for this to end.

[Kizzie]

Oh CVictor, I so relate to how you are feeling    You have a LOT on your plate and it's overwhelming. I really hear you when you say  that while you don't want to die you don't want to live either because of the pain and anxiety, it's that you want to end.  I was in the same spot about this same time last year, had gotten into drinking quite heavily to numb myself and hiding in my closet (I really was). I was having big panic attacks/EFs and had to take a leave of absence from work.  I did not want to die, but I did not want to live with all those awful feelings either. 

In the end I reached out to my GP who fortunately knew about CPTSD and she referred me to a pdoc. I also saw an addictions counsellor and I think it was the first time I was completely honest with all of them about what was going on. I had to be, I was withdrawing from alcohol and didn't have the wherewithall to be anything but raw and honest.  And I was truly scared about what was going on and being in so much pain.  My skill at deflecting deserted me, the facade came down.  I hope you can take heart from the fact that a year later I am here at OOTS, my panic attacks have subsided and I am back to work. 

Rather than opening the floodgates, try thinking baby steps, a little at a time if you can.  If you take the pressure off yourself to get through recovery quickly that will help a lot.  And congratulate yourself that you have reached out -     You found yourself a place where you can be safe, where everyone will understand what you are saying and feeling.  You also ended a long term relationship that was abusive. You did it and that is a huge step so if you can, try and give yourself credit.  Focus on the fact that you are taking back your life and that takes courage and strength even though it may not feel that way right now.  You have some friends you can count on in your life and now you have some cyber friends too.   

I think you are doing an amazing job of reclaiming your life and are beginning to make it into what you want it to be.  I'm so glad you found your way to us and don't have to go it alone so much any more.

[chiraheally]

Hi C!  You sound like an incredible person, I was filled with awe and admiration as i read your words.  Like the others said, you seem to have the inner and outer resources to deal with all this pain and you now have the right diagnosis which is the best starting point as you can now build on solid ground, one brick at a time.  recovery is bitter sweet but what i love about this site is that the sweetness comes through loud and clear and makes the bitter easier to work through.

i'm glad you are here.  i too am new, so we can discover this new world of healing in our own pace and timing!

My story is a narcissistic alcoholic father and emotionally absent, enabling mother, growing up with fear and a skewed sense of self and abusing myself for most of my teen and adult life through substance abuse, abusive relationships and deep self destructiveness.  a relatively mild trauma compared with many here but one that has left me strongly identifying with the symptoms of cptsd nonetheless and working through pete walker's amazing revelational book!

after what you have been through, i agree with kizzie to take it slowly and be kind and gentle with yourself as it is a HUGE adjustment to be alone again after 22 yrs.  i left my pd husband last year after 11 yrs and a year later i still have social anxiety, social isolation, paranoia and rollercoaster emotions.  days like today i feel human, tomorrow i could wake up and not be able to function, which is pretty awful with a small child to look after!

but i know in my heart of hearts all will be ok.  for all of us.  we are all seeking and i believe when you open up to help, it tends to come, just when you have given up.  i am trying to enjoy the good days like today without deluding myself that the emotional flashbacks are a thing of the past.  am trying to learn how to deal with them better.  it seems to be working slowly but surely.

so anyway, welcome! just keep coming back, use this as a lifeline!

lots of love,

Chira

[C.]

Hello CVictor.  Ditto to what everyone here says.  You've found the right place.  We understand.  Maybe not every detail, but I really like what someone told me that we reacted  in a "normal" (supress emotions, medication, anxiety, etc.) to an abnormal reality (abuse).

I too hear much strength and capacity in your voice.  I was in an emotionally neglectful marriage for 22 years...and I didn't even know it...I just continued on with what I thought was normal.  Now I see that both of my parents and my ex H have many characteristics of NPD.  My marital separation was the beginning of my awareness.  I am grateful for the awareness but I've had to go slow too because life still happens.  I need to earn and income and parent a teen aged son.  I still struggle at times with patience like I see the road map of how I need to heal and I just want to get there.  In the past I was a type A personality, efficient, productive, etc.  I'd even grieved the death of a son pretty "efficiently."  So accepting the pace of recovery, well, it can be hard.  But by seeing people on this forum and others who are recovering from abuse/neglect (whatever the form, whenever it occured) I find validation, hope and acceptance for the process.

About 3 years I too was diagnosed with PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, possible mood disorder.  But nothing felt like it really fit.  Like you I decided to research more on CPTSD, found and started Walker's book, and it's like I finally found a "home" for my experience.  Part of his book talks about the importance of healing through "committee" which is when I searched for and found this resource.  The healing that you're beginning can be painful, difficult beyond words as well as intensely rewarding and having support is part of the journey.  It sounds like you have a wise and supportive friend too.

Welcome to this forum.  I look forward to learning together.  May you have a blessed day.

[CVictor]

Thank you so much everyone.  It is nice to be among people who know at least even a little about what you are going through.  For the most part, I find people do the same as I did initially - not take it serious.  It is nice to have people believe what you say and understand how you fee.  Thanks again.

[Charlotte]

Hi CVictor.  You are so brave and wow, good for you.  I hope it helps you feel more at ease.  That part about not wanting to face it all... be tender with that part.  You deserve lots of love and tenderness.  Over time, those old adaptations can be downsized, which leaves room for a lot more love. 

I'm new here too, but am very glad to have this forum.