Hi from Holland (Trigger warning)

[Rivka]

Hey all.  I am Rivka. 42 years old. From the Netherlands. I learned about CPTSD a couple of weeks ago. Have been reading about it since then. And wow, did something click.

My diagnosis is Major depression, Psychotic disorder NOS and Social anxiety/Avoidant personality disorder. I have also struggled with a heroin addiction, but am glad to say that I have been clean for a little over three years. I have had lots of therapy, but somehow it never really touched my problems. The depression and psychosis are somewhat under control because of medication.  Social anxiety is still through the roof. I feel so very anxious when I am among people. Threatened, afraid, hyper aware. I 'freeze' and in a lot of cases begin to tremble. This has made me avoid them and retreat and isolate for large chunks of my life. Exposure therapy never seemed to help. I have always wondered why I feel and behave that way and didn't really have an answer for  it. Until I discovered CPTSD. Now it seems to me that it is an emotional flashback. To my youth. 

My mother and father had a very unhealthy relationship. My father mentally abused my mother. There were lots of fights. Always tension in the house. He would degrade her and belittle her, especially if she showed emotions. My mother escaped into alcoholism and and tried to commit suicide a couple of times. Then, when I was 14, she was diagnosed with cancer and she died a couple of months later. But, looking back, I was already pretty dissociated by then. I remember that when she died, it didn't really register. I just continued living like nothing had happened, without really mourning her.

I started a partial hospitalization program today. I am going to tell them there that I suspect that I have CPTSD, and I'll take it from there. It sounds a bit strange, but I am kinda excited that I found out about it. Like the pieces of a puzzle finally coming together.

Thanks for reading.

[California Dreaming]

Welcome Rivka Being aware of cptsd is the starting point of the recovery journey. Congratulations on your 3 plus years of clean time. I am 50 and a little more than 2 years into my recovery from alcoholism. I hope that you receive support here and during you partial hospitalization.

[Rivka]

Thanks, California Dreaming. : )  Yes, I am quite relieved that I found out about cptsd. Now that I know what's wrong I can begin working with it.  Congratulations to you too on your 2 plus years of sober time. All the best!

[Ruby]

Hi Rivka

Welcome.

This is a great community and I hope you will keep us posted on how things go with your partial hospitalization program.

[MarkD67]

Hi Rivka, welcome.

This is a great place, with plenty of resources and awesome people like you and me, that are also moving through this... Congratulations on becoming aware, and staying clean (I'm 4yrs 4 months clean myself). Can i suggest that you read everything you can. It's helped me not be surprised by things and have more control over my healing journey. Good luck.

Cheers from Australia... 

[Rivka]

Hey Ruby, thanks! : )   Yes, looks like a great community. And I will try to post updates about the partial hospitalization program.

Thanks Mark! Good to hear that you're clean. I have been reading a lot about CPTSD and will continue doing that. Am also going to order the Pete Walker book 'From surviving to thriving'. Good luck to you too!

[Blueberry]

Welcome Rivka! 

I've been in inpatient settings quite a few times. Never partial though, always complete. If it does you good to write about the program on here, then feel free  but please don't feel you have to or anything. I always found inpatient settings pretty strenuous with a lot 'going on' internally/emotionally. It's good to use that time for yourself and your own healing. Plenty of time afterwards to tell us about it.

[Deep Blue]

  hi Rivka

Glad you found us.  I think many of us had that ((oh my gosh... that's me!)) moment when we learned about cptsd.
Welcome and congrats on your sobriety.

[ah]

Hi Rivka 

I lost people at age 14 too, and like you I just went on without grieving. I guess neither of us felt safe enough to slow down and feel anything, we were busy surviving.
But it can maybe be just as powerful now, since our brain apparently can't really tell the difference between past and present when it comes to trauma. It's all the same to our bodies, it's all happening right now.

Realizing I have cptsd was like a "Eureka!" moment for me too. Feeling excited makes perfect sense to me. I think of it as a puzzle too, like the puzzle was very messy and never fit together till I learned about cptsd, then all of a sudden in a quick flash the picture became crystal clear. Sad, heartbreaking, really ugly picture, but for the first time - totally clear. Nothing left out, no smudges, everything makes sense.

I hope this is the beginning of a gradual new road of recovery for you.
I'm glad you found us.

[Rivka]

Hello all,

I first want to apologize for my disappearing act.  I got some great, insightful replies on my original message here. In my mind I waited too long to reply. I don't know what exactly happens in my mind then, but I guess I got  afraid  that people would get angry with me. And then I start to avoid.   

I felt a bit bad about this all, so I finally decided to come out of my avoidance and get back to the forum. 

[Rivka]

ah:   Thank you for your reply.  You know, I always wondered why I couldn't grieve my mother's death, even feeling guilty  for not being able to grieve. What you say makes perfect sense.

Deep Blue, thanks!

And Blueberry, thanks for the welcome. I've been in the partial hospitalization program  for a little over three months. On the one hand, it has helped a lot. My mood is pretty good and I have become much more active. Social anxiety is still through the roof, though. 
I want to  start therapy with a therapist who is versed in trauma. I am looking into that, and after the partial hospitalization program has ended I can hopefully begin with that.