Forgetfulness

[Sandals]

Anyone else frustrated with forgetfulness/memory issues? I'm feel that this symptom is actually getting worse for me. Which then leads to increased anxiety, self-hate, etc. 

I try to manage with lists, etc., but was wondering if anyone has a time line on when they've seen memory start to improve.

[schrödinger's cat]

I'm afraid not. All I know is: dissociation = absent-minded forgetfulness; less dissociation = better memory.

[Sandals]

Thanks, cat. I think there might be a link to anxiety, too. I noticed mine ramped as anxiety ramped.

Found this:

Cortisol - Cortisol is the hormone your body releases during stress. Cortisol is known specifically to prevent the formation of memories and cause memory loss. When you have anxiety, you're essentially putting your body under long term stress and increasing the amount of cortisol in your system all throughout the day. That can have many potential repercussions, one of which is forgetfulness.

[schrödinger's cat]

Ah hah. Now that is interesting. Thanks for the quote.

[rtfm]

Hi Sandals, this may be way off base but do you mind if I ask if your perception of your forgetfulness and your actual performance on remembering things are lining up right now?

What I mean by that is, you said your anxiety and self-hate ramp up when your memory gets worse.  I had that too, because I have an emotional trigger around it.  I was also gaslit by my Narents from as early as I can remember, so "remembering wrong" was a big trigger for me, too, and causes huge anxiety.  But it was all about how I felt about my memory, rather than my actual ability to remember things.

With the help of my T, I did the following:

• Observed how often other people forget things.  Colleagues are particularly useful research subjects, and it's really easy to do if you happen to have to sit in a lot of meetings.   Turns out people forget a lot of stuff...probably because there's so much to remember in a modern life it's no wonder we all forget a ton of things.
• Considered why I was freaking out about forgetting, and thought seriously about what the worst that might happen would actually be.  That let me prioritize the important-to-remember stuff and manage my anxiety a bit about the rest.
• Realised that there are a bazillion listmaking devices on the market for a good reason!

All of which helped me pick apart the emotional triggers from the actual memory performance and recalibrate my expectations.  I'm not sure my memory got better, per se, but I got calmer about the whole thing and so far things are pretty OK.  I have a bazillion lists, and the important stuff gets done. 

I don't know if this is in any way helpful but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case.  Good luck to you!

[confident]

This is a really fascinating topic thread for me, because this was one of my primary complaints the first time I went to T. I'm not even sure I remember how it got brought up, but I lost my phone, a LOT. My phone and my keys. I mean more than any human ever should. I've replaced more smart phones than I would ever readily admit... 

Anyway, my T said this in my first session, "As you do the hard work of healing, you may notice you lose things less and less often. Don't worry about it for right now. Have grace with yourself."

Sure enough, the next and last time I was forced to see my NM, right after all the pieces of my childhood and early adulthood came together and I started seeing her for how she really was, I lost my phone. I mean I hadn't even said a hello to her that day, seen her face yet, and I left it in a public restroom. Of course, by the time I realized, I was a long ways away and someone had already taken it.  But what stuck out to me was the timing of when I lost it. Serious stress, anxiety, and dissociation that morning trying to cope with having to see my abuser = losing my phone.

There really is something to this.

And no, NM didn't miss a beat. The mockery and behind-the-back digs only fueled the self-hate that followed. I was so angry at myself for giving my abuser anything to use against me.

[Sandals]

Hi Sandals, this may be way off base but do you mind if I ask if your perception of your forgetfulness and your actual performance on remembering things are lining up right now?

Great question and observation, rtfm. Sorry for the delay in getting back to you on it. I'd say I forgot about this thread, but that would just elicit some giant groans, right?

For my forgetfulness, I am comparing current to pre-trauma me (at least 1 year ago) and I know there's a difference. There was also a huge difference between me even 3 months ago vs. the weeks leading up to me going off of work. And I'm not just talking about forgetting things here & there because life is busy. The events that more concern me are getting off a phone call and completely forgetting what I had agreed to do. Just gone. I feel like this has slightly improved but is still very poor and I do think it's anxiety-related.

This is a really fascinating topic thread for me, because this was one of my primary complaints the first time I went to T. I'm not even sure I remember how it got brought up, but I lost my phone, a LOT. My phone and my keys. I mean more than any human ever should. I've replaced more smart phones than I would ever readily admit... 

Anyway, my T said this in my first session, "As you do the hard work of healing, you may notice you lose things less and less often. Don't worry about it for right now. Have grace with yourself."

Sure enough, the next and last time I was forced to see my NM, right after all the pieces of my childhood and early adulthood came together and I started seeing her for how she really was, I lost my phone. I mean I hadn't even said a hello to her that day, seen her face yet, and I left it in a public restroom. Of course, by the time I realized, I was a long ways away and someone had already taken it.  But what stuck out to me was the timing of when I lost it. Serious stress, anxiety, and dissociation that morning trying to cope with having to see my abuser = losing my phone.

There really is something to this.

And no, NM didn't miss a beat. The mockery and behind-the-back digs only fueled the self-hate that followed. I was so angry at myself for giving my abuser anything to use against me.

confident - it's interesting because I began having issues with losing keys for a while, for several years, and it would really throw me. I have several defined dates in my journey, but the more I look back, the more I see a gradual build over time instead of defined points. It's just that those points really brought my attention to what was going on and also highlighted emotional deregulation.

I am SO sorry to hear your NM uses this against you. I have a ton of words for her, but don't think they'd be healing for you. Instead, I would look at this as if your NM using some athletic activity challenges against a child who lost a leg. They're equivalent in my mind and show how twisted these PDs are. You deserve sympathy, love and kindness for your challenges, and are worthy of all of those.

Rain - I looooove the idea of ninjas making off with my things. I think I will tell my kids that's what's going on when I do misplace things. At the least, it will make us all laugh, and that is such a healthy way to approach it.

[confident]

confident - it's interesting because I began having issues with losing keys for a while, for several years, and it would really throw me. I have several defined dates in my journey, but the more I look back, the more I see a gradual build over time instead of defined points. It's just that those points really brought my attention to what was going on and also highlighted emotional deregulation.

I am SO sorry to hear your NM uses this against you. I have a ton of words for her, but don't think they'd be healing for you. Instead, I would look at this as if your NM using some athletic activity challenges against a child who lost a leg. They're equivalent in my mind and show how twisted these PDs are. You deserve sympathy, love and kindness for your challenges, and are worthy of all of those.

Oh yeah, and the keys thing... the last time I REALLY lost my keys - and I have tons of couch cushion and coat pocket stories - was on a holiday which I had, of my own volition (glutton for punishment, here...) elected to spend with NM and her highly dysfunctional FOO. Set the keys on the back of the car, and whooooooshhhh... I had to go driving in the rain the next day to find them.

It was seeing these patterns of the timing in which I lost or forgot items in various places that I started to see dysfunctional relationships, anxiety, and triggering events. I've started to see these instances as markers that are helping me delineate traumas that are inflicting pain still today.

For example, if I routinely visit a friend's home and leave belongings there by accident that I have to later retrieve, something about being in that friend's home or with that friend is triggering for me. 

Something about grocery stores is triggering for me, I'm not sure why. I quite often leave my wallet or phone or bag of groceries at the check stand.

And yes... Rain, you have company... I, too, have almost left my cat at the vet.

I love the ninjas bit  I need a little more humor with this stuff. Right now, each new stone unturned just sends me reeling wondering how deeply broken I really am and could it possibly get any worse and oh yes, yes it can...

Thanks for withholding the choice words against NM. I'm trying to take the focus off of her now and put it onto the healing work I need to do. Very thoughtful.

[Sandals]

  confident and Rain. You are NOT broken. You are whole and you matter. You just have made up some stuff about yourself to fill the wounds that were inflicted when you were young. But the thing is that you were mistaken in those beliefs. The truth is that you are whole and deserve love and kindness. And the key is to accept that truth. It's not easy for me to accept, so I don't say that glibly.

When you have a bit of time, you might want to have a look at this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zPStADU2TeE&index=3&list=UUQQ73cvNZGxAQRMgA44wMVg  It helped me understand.

[Sandals]

Ahhh, yes. I understand the shattering. I get it. My apologies, I did not mean to invalidate your experience our feelings.

In my readings on infidelity, that was more often called shattering, and many people referred to themselves in the present as broken--not able to see themselves as whole--hence my post. But I totally understand where you are coming from and thank you for telling me.

Xo

[Rain]

You know, Sandals ...only confident knows what she is going through.

It appears like that "feeling broken" stage ...and it IS confusing language, and changes generation to generation.

It is actually incredible the amount of heart communication that quite effectively goes on here at the forum.

I can easily see from your perspective what my words meant to you.

I just saw the Vulnerability TED talk by Dr. Brown, and she said she had a "breakdown"  (not the kind you go to a mental hospital for, but more of the "feeling broken" ...the shattering)


And, who knows what confident would call what she is going through!!   


Say, Sandals, I love your love and acceptance signature quotes!   

[confident]

Thanks to BOTH of you for your very safe and honest dialog. It's a welcome change from other things lately  some places have been too triggering, and I feel 100% comfortable coming here to chat about what hurts without sharp or confusing responses.

I can see how the idea of being broken is a touchy and difficult one for some. My worldview warrants me viewing, and quite welcomely, myself as inherently broken. I have no sensitivity to that concept.

But being broken at the hands of another? Given something for good use, like a memory, and watching the brokenness of others infiltrate and damage me in such odd ways? Ways I once thought were totally happenstance and meaningless? Discovering I was wearing rose-colored glasses for so long?

It's in feeling and being utterly broken that I find so much validation for what I have already deeply believed about both myself and others, yet denied for so long.

And so much more, really.

But it's a shattering than can be healed.

There are times for grieving losses, and I am there right now, but I don't believe it's forever.

Rain, my T got me watching that TED talk! Dr. Brown is such a good use of YouTube time!

Sandals, I am grateful that you share your perspective so readily! Difference in interpretation & meaning as it relates to these concepts is good and honest. It's wonderful as a newcomer to know where everyone is at and what we are learning.