New to the board (possibly triggering)

[Confused75]

Hi everyone, I'm Confused75 and I have C-PTSD.
I'm here looking to connect with others who understand what it feels like to have C-PTSD. A place, aside from therapy, where support can happen with people who understand like no one else can what it's like to fight to make it one day at a time every day.

I only recently was diagnosed with C-PTSD and for the first time in my life I finally got a diagnosis that fit. However, it all started for me in infancy as I wasn't a wanted baby and was born into an abusive house to an alcoholic dad and a drug addict mom

I'm only going to reveal a few things in this intro if I didn't it would be a 3pg narrative. Plus, I'm pretty sure more will be mentioned in future posts. So here are a few quick highlights in my life
My dad gave me my first alcoholic drink at age 3. At age 7 I started sleeping in my closet, under my bed, or in the bathtub with the sliding doors closed because it was safer there. 7 years old was also the first time I disassociated. At age 10 I was left home alone to raise my younger sister, I was also kicked out for the first time. The second and final time were at ages 14 and 19. I started drinking and doing drugs at 13 and my parents supplied them. I was date raped at 16 and blamed for it, I started self-harming after that. I've been pregnant 3 times and miscarried all 3. I lived on the streets for 8 years doing whatever I had to in order to survive.

In 2010 I returned to college to get my Associates Degree which I earned. I'm now earning my Bachelor's Degree. I'm in counseling and massage therapy learning how to be human for the first time. My emotions are a rollercoaster ride as I try to unlearn everything that I learned growing-up and change my story line. I have further plans to learn holistic healthcare and hope to one day be in a business partnership with another who holds similar views that I do regarding therapy and healing. I hope to one day become a wounded healer.

Sorry for the mini story but thank you for taking the time to read it.

[LiveYourThrive]

Hi Confused75. Thanks for introducing yourself. It takes courage!  I read yours and wanted to do an intro for myself before replying so you can feel you know who is replying.

I appreciate what you wrote about feeling that with the CPTSD label, there's finally an explanation or life story that "fits." Are you proud of yourself for facing these things at such a young age? I'm proud of you. It took me until my 40s to understand that my family system was literally disordered... it was not "an issue to be worked out." Research and books on CPTSD and narcissistic abuse have gotten much better in recent years!!! Good for you for learning so early. And acting on it by seeking support. And doing whatever you had to to survive. Honor that fire in yourself.

Congratulations on rewriting your story in different ways. Every human has permission to do that as many times and in as many ways as benefits their well-being!  I'm no expert but noticed how great it feels to journal a more  self-compassionate story of my life to myself ... or more recently, share an empowered story of my life with someone who validates me.

There's a book you might like that helped me rewire and rewrite my story of my life... Byron Katie's Loving What Is. It has four questions you can ask about any thought that's causing you upset. I wrote out answers for lots of upsetting thoughts. It helps us find the false thoughts, the ones that don't serve us, so that we can choose better ones!  David Burns's Feeling Good Handbook (highly recommend!) has incorporated a version plus has a treasure trove of other scientifically tested steps for emotional health.

Sending you good thoughts and lots of congratulations on taking the steps you have... Keeping our eyes on the prize and on the fact that we innately (simply by being alive!) deserve healthy human connection and fulfillment ... is half the battle.

[Confused75]

Hi LiveYourThrive, thank you for your reply. This is the first time I have ever joined any kind of group support system and after posting was afraid no one would be able to respond.

I honestly laughed when you said I was young as I'm really not but thank you for saying I am. I learned about my CPTSD label not to long ago so I haven't been doing this fight for healing for very long, my eyes were opened only 4 years away from 40. No, I really can't say I'm I proud of myself as this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I'm terrified. I have only started to rewrite my story and it is very slow going but I keep showing up to the fight, I my not always have the energy to fight but I show up. I do journal as well but my journal entries right now are more about trying to figure stuff out and trying to put feelings to thoughts and stuff I feel inside.

Thank you too for the book suggestions I will look into those. The book that I have found so far that is helping me to understand some of the what and why's to CPTSD is The Body Keeps The Score by Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk. It has a lot of research and answers to why it's hard for trauma patients to put thoughts into words, it talks about dissociating, how the layers of trauma affect our bodies, and healing (I personally love this book).

I found a quote the other day that I have been trying to keep in mind especially on hard days and I think it rings true "I have been fighting since I was a child. I am not a survivor, I am a warrior".  ~ The Success Club   


Thank you again for your response.