Sceal's new journal

[Hope67]

Dear Sceal - sending you a warm and gentle hug   
Hope 

[Sceal]

i've been breathing, it never went into a panic attack, luckily. Perhaps because I kept breathing and talking kindly to myself.

Got up bright and early today, and by some strange miracle I actually fell asleep last night. I suspect it was because I've exhausted myself this week.
I was quite awake, first day in a long time where I woke up feeling awake, regardless I drank half an energy drink, ate part of my breakfast and headed out.
It's been raining all day. Not heavy, but constant. Enough to make you wet. Luckily enough no wind though. I got to town 1hour and 30 minutes early. I walked, well more like strolled extremely slowly towards the new job (it's a 20 min normal speed walk from the busstop). Tried to look in all the shops for something interessting, or any excuse to spend time. I was listening to soothing classical music, but ended up waiting for 45 minutes 60 meters away from the front door anyway. I called my sister and talked about other stuff to calm me down.

I had a pit in my stomach. I didn't know what to expect. But I went in anyway. It went fine, naturally it did. Why wouldn't it? They know I got c-ptsd, I told them in the application process. The main boss wasn't there today, so I talked with one of the other supervisors. She was very kind. We went through the contract, and the things I needed to know. I was shown around the area, I said hello to everyone present (wasn't alot of people today), although I don't remember their names. I was shown my desk and storage. And then I was free to go home.

I dallied in town for a while. Checking in with myself of what I wanted and needed. I decided I needed books. And I decided I needed a certain kind of books I only get in a particular store in town, which I'm terrified of going into - because I'm afraid I'll run into Her or Her son. Her son has never done me any harm, but he will report my whereabouts. But I decided my needs were greater than my fear, so I pushed past that though. I got three new books and ordered one.
Then I went to get supplies for work, I have to get them on my own accord and pay for them myself.  I hadn't prepared, because I wasn't certain if I was allowed to work on the project I wanted to. And I didn't want to get pricy supplies prior, incase I wasn't approved.

I got home, ate lunch, and rested for a few hours before making dinner. After dinner I've been unproducive watching bad movies. Wasn't even entertaining.
I just couldn't stop myself, I had no energy to do anything else. Just waiting for the clock to say "okay, you can go to bed now without ruining your schedule"

Which is where I am off to now, though first I will read a bit. Either in my new book, or continue in the one about self-compassion. It was dull at first, but it has warmed to me. But I'd like to read something utterly of pleasure without feeling guilty of having to finish the self-compassion book first.
My goal is to read 30 books this year. I've finished one.

[Sceal]

I forgot to say thank you for all of your supporting thoughts and hugs! They have been, and always are important to me.

I feel a little guilty that I haven't been visiting your journals lately, or rather, that I haven't commented. I just find it difficult these days, and I've been trying to lessen my challenges prior to start-up of work.
I'm still terrified. Monday is the first full day, and then I will have to actually work, and actually socialize, and actually be present. For 8 hours. 

[Sceal]

I'm starting a new journal as I'm embarking on a new stage in life

[Wattlebird]

Go sceal !
Can't wait to see your progress, I believe you can have the life you want, and can't wait to cheer you on in good times and try to support you when your struggling.

[Hope67]

Hi Sceal,
I hope that today went ok for you.  I know you're going to start a new journal, so I wish you the best with that new one.  Embarking on a new stage in life.  I hope you'll enjoy it. 
Look forward to hearing how it is going.
to you, Sceal.
Hope 

[Sceal]

  to both of you.
Having the two of you in my corner makes me smile. Thank you ❤️

[Hope67]

  - those big hugs are great.  Thank you.   
Hope