JDog's Journal

[Jdog]

Thanks, friends.  The 12 Step meeting was fantastic.  Everyone was welcoming and I felt ok about having attended.  It's nice to be able to own mistakes out loud.  I am working on what is called a Truth Inventory.  Boy is it exhaustive and draining to complete.  But it's what I need to do in order to be really who I am.

Lots of hard work to do.

[Three Roses]

👏👏👏

[woodsgnome]

Support for your progress on this road.

[Jdog]

Thanks so much, friends.  My GP prescribed a low dosage SSRI to reduce anxiety.  Boy, I had a couple of massive panic attacks this week (and it's still early in the week!).  It causes communication problems with my wife, misunderstandings, and tremendous shame on my part as I tend to do stuff like forget to close and lock doors when I have these.  Today's was brought about after she criticized me for forgetting not to bang doors which abut her home office...I wasn't aware that I had done so, and she could not understand why I even had to use those particular doors knowing that the noise reverberates and startles her.  I need to remember to go the long way around through our slider doors and back into the garage in such a way that doesn't involve banging doors near her office.  I am writing it here in hopes of remembering to stop and think before just doing habitual things.  Thus I might not get triggered into panic attacks which take hours to subside.

We had big blowup a couple of days ago because I accidentally barged through her office on my way to the garage (there's actually a door from her office into the garage....I wish it could just be an exercise room instead if an office but we don't have that many rooms).  She was so upset that I volunteered to sleep on the futon couch and am still doing that.  Things will come back to normal in a few days, I think.  We are actually planning a trip out if town Friday through Sunday and will be sharing a bed in a hotel.  That should get things back to sort of normal. 

When two people with cptsd and triggers out the kazoo get married, this is what you get, folks.  Love is interesting. 

[Deep Blue]

Aw Jdog,
That's good about the ssri. Mine is not a low dose, I found it took about 6 weeks to have much of an effect.

Sorry to hear about the disagreement with your wife.  I think the fact that you wrote it in here to try to make a concrete change that will benefit her is sweet and loving.

Hope you feel better soon honey 

[Tee]

  hugs at least you both are trying.

[Jdog]

Deep Blue:

Thanks for the kind words, friend.  Yes, it may take a few weeks to notice a difference and I will work with my doc to see if we have the correct dosage.  Given how awful things are in America now, it would not surprise me if half of us need an SSRI!!

Tee/

Thanks.  I do truly believe that my own recovery, which will be ongoing, will substantially help me in staying grounded.  That, in turn, will be all I can do or maybe need to do to keep my relationship afloat.

[Jdog]

Whew- school starts up again in three days.  I volunteered to help kids get schedules when they came for orientation in the early evening.  It was over 100 degrees and I and a few others were completely soaked in sweat as we were in the direct sun for over an hour.  The experience was good, even still.  But I can tell I am already stressed as I left something in my room which is of value and I am going to feel better when I can retrieve it tomorrow. 

The many, many details needed to be attended to in my job are a source of frustration.  I am doing better with getting myself to slow down and focus - baby steps - and yet the overwhelm that creeps in when I realize that my classes are all over the limit is hard.  The district has about 15 or 20 school days to make things right, but by then we are fully in the swing of things and it feels like so much jostling.  I would do well to include more meditation in my routine just about now. 

Thank goodness for antidepressants.  There are only a couple of side effects so far, but worth it.  I don't even react to my tinnitus as I once did.  That alone is worth the price of admission. 

Oh, gosh.  I will try to remain positive.  Arriving at the end of my career is odd.  Two more years, fingers crossed.  Trying to stay physically fit and getting more emotionally stable.  That is the great hope.  And not having to be perfect or please everyone.  Being ok with difficult emotions.  Letting them just pass through me. 

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog,
Wishing you the best for when school starts up again.  Glad you're doing better with getting yourself to slow down and focus - although it sounds very challenging with your class sizes etc.  It's good to hear you're coping better with your tinnitus.  I experience tinnitus as well - it's in my left ear.  Not all the time, just intermittently.  I'm glad to hear you are coping and not reacting as you once did to it.
Sending you a gentle but heartfelt hug of support, if that's ok 
Hope 

[Jdog]

Hope-

Thank you for the well wishes.  I certainly appreciate you also and graciously accept your hug! Here's one back at you

[Hope67]

 

[Jdog]

My school year began last Thursday, and the first two days were fun and exhausting.  I am feeling grateful that my SSRIs have kicked in, as a sense of calm is such a boon at this time.  I have a sprained knee at the moment, brought on while I was standing for hours painting our backyard pergola a week ago and exacerbated when I decided to exercise every day of last week.  So, I am icing and have a no-exercise regiment for a while. 

But the calmness remains, and it is responsible for an improved home life at the moment.  My wife struggles so much with physical and mental illness, and if I can be a sea of calm, all the better.  I think I finally get just how much she struggles, none of which takes away from her inherent goodness and intelligence.  She is one of the smartest, most caring people I have ever known. 

So here's to continued healing, in all its aspects.

[Jazzy]

Glad you found some calm. I'm sure it will be a great help for your wife. Hopefully your knee heals quickly and you can get back to your exercise. Take care!

[Jdog]

Thanks so much Jazzy!

[Hope67]

Hi Jdog,
Glad to hear that your SSRIs have kicked in, and that you have a sense of calm.  Sorry to hear about your sprained knee though, and hope that improves soon.
Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope