Really Need This

[Charlotte]

I have a long 25 year history of major psychiatric treatment.  I knew as a child that adulthood would be rough and I could not wait to get out of my house, knowing that this isn't how it's supposed to be.  If it weren't so sad, it'd be laughable.  I am the middle child of an alcoholic dad and emotionally unavailable mom.  He ran a bar for many years even though his dad died of alcoholism.  He is also LOVED by everyone who knows him and has a large profile around town.  No one else sees what I see.  I was hit by a car at age 5 and in a coma for 1 week so I have significant physical ptsd.  I was also ignored and excluded for many years and could not return home in my 20s and 30s without weeks of recovery needed.  I tried desperately to fit in.  I was often compared to my happier, outgoing, everything-together sister.   Hello, think that helps?  It was like a little jab to my larger wound for so many years that I had no other skills left after a while.  I've come a looooong way with medication, therapy and determination, and in some ways my family has healed a bit.  My current issues are around my sister's 'success', rationally I know that everyone suffers and grieves but it is a huge trigger, and when will it not be?  And, my 10 year old son.  How will he ever be well adjusted?  My husband is co-dependent but not bothered by it and while super supportive of my struggles, looks to me for how to discipline and set boundaries.  He has very little authority over our son.  Luckily I have learned a great deal about emotional health so I think I am a good parent.  I am so scared of traumatizing him.  I guess that the grieving just seems insurmountable and too much for 1 person.  Also I stopped drinking about 4 years ago and like how that feels, but everyone I know drinks and jokes about it and I just feel weird in a bar even when people are so cheerful!  Ok, long introduction, but I am so glad to have found this forum.  I started reading Pete Walker and found out about this site.  Thanks.

[Charlotte]

I guess I'll reply to my own post.  Most days, everything in my body hurts, which leads me to intense EF feelings.  And seeing my family drink just recreates the original wound.

Other people seem to have much more serious trauma, but I know that C-PTSD describes me perfectly and I wish more people knew. 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Charlotte     My F was an alcoholic so I know how triggering it can be, just the smell even! My F wasn't loved like yours, but my M is a covert narcissist and is beloved so I also know what it's like to be the one saying "But my parents abused me, how can you not see that?"  It's such a lonely feeling and invalidates what we have endured.  Here everyone does get it so you won't be so alone with your CPTSD any more.

I know this may sound a little strange, but not "fitting in" with your family of origin (FOO) is not necessarily a bad thing, it may in fact be the reason you will recover.  You are different in a good way, a way that will help you and in turn your own family (H and son) because you are willing to go through therapy, to come here and be open, to reflect on your parenting and relationship with you H... all good 

No matter what the type and degree of abuse/neglect it's traumatic to the soul of a child, it interrupts our development and leaves us with this lasting legacy of CPTSD, layers of trauma we bring into adulthood and have to peel away in recovery. This is a safe space to do some of that so I hope you find the support and encouragement helpful in your recovery. 

We're starting a course which follows a structured recovery workbook from the organization Adult Survivors of Child Abuse if you'd like to join in.  Scroll down on the main forum page to the last forum or click here - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=75.0.  It's just getting going this week so you might want to jump in. If not please feel free to post in any of the forums that feel relevant to your situation.

Glad you found your way to us 


 

[Charlotte]

Thanks Kizzie, it feels good to be welcomed here.  Thank you for the encouragement.  You have great language for that!

After reading some other posts, I am wondering if there is a place for me to post about a technique called Psaos Trauma Release, or if this is discussed here.  I think it can be very helpful for discharging physical trauma.  I'm not so sure about the emotional, and that may be more important or more healing for many.  I just know that there is new science around how trauma can be trapped in the body.

[Kizzie]

I personally have not heard of this Charlotte but perhaps other members may have.  Anyway, there's a forum under "CPTSD and Us" called "Therapy" and you could start a new thread under "General Discussion about Therapy" or "Alternative Therapies."