New Here got this but need some help

[I got this]

Adult female with childhood instilled trauma.  Still wanting to speak to a pro, but from Pete Walker book etc, these words seem appropriate :
verbal,  emotional,  physical, emotional abandonment, despised,  shamed, fear, favoritism.
The worst thing now is realising that I did early forgiveness, as I had no idea all this stuff was still there to heal. 
it was majorly re-triggered by  getting into relationship with a narc.
I have noone to verbally ventilate with, despite asking for help in several directions.  It's a waiting game.  Which is the worst.  I don't want to let it fester anymore,  but where else to put it if I can't get help?
I'm typical of someone who wasn't sexually abused; I trivialize and make excuses for it. 
In my twenties I decided not to have kids, as my experience of the world was not one I wanted to bear someone into (though at the time I had no idea I was looking through the lens of abuse ).
Once I escaped the helplessness (but academic perfection) of the home,  I became flight type.  I learnt how to participate fully (I had not be allowed to before ). 
I eventually burned out completely with illness and became more freeze type, with hypervigilence but lost assertiveness.
The messages I got are coming back loud in my head and body.  I'm only just now understanding that those are NOT things that are said to kids in a 'normal'  family.   
So really need to process that now and get on with a great life!
Thanks and best wishes

[Luke57]

Hi I got this,

Welcome to the site. I'm glad you're here. This is a great resource to have. I've been a member here for less than a month, but have already learned a lot about myself from reading how others are coping with their trauma and  through receiving valuable feedback.

My message to you would be: Don't beat yourself up for forgiving too early or anything else. The good thing you've done is realize now how much you're still hurting from the damage done to you as a child. In my opinion, emotional abandonment and shame are the most painful parts of abuse, no matter how that's forced onto you. It sounds like you're recognizing that no form of abuse is trivial. Great job! That's an important hurdle to cross.

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. It takes courage to do that and to reach out for help. I wish you the best on your journey of healing. You"ll find a lot assisstance here, as well as love and understanding.

Luke

[Three Roses]

Hi! 

You're ahead of the game already, knowing who Pete Walker is. His book "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" is so helpful, and also his website.

But the book that made me feel so much acceptance for myself, and see that I'm not ill but injured, is "The Body Keeps The Score".

Glad you're here. 

[I got this]

Thank you everyone for the welcome,  encouragement and book recommendation 😀😀  looking forward to finding my way around.
when I was 15 I described a feeling in my chest of aching ice cold.   There's still. That sensation there.   A hurt in my chest.  I think it's the aloneness.  My heart is all alone.   I'm here to heal 😀

[Blueberry]

Welcome to the forum 

[Jdog]

Welcome, I Got This!!

I understand the tendency to minimize abuse, as I have done that at times as well.  The fact is, not only is everyone's story unique (making comparisons between one's abuse and that of another apples to oranges) but we need to take into account the fact that some of us are naturally more sensitive to the insults and emotional blows that come our way.  You are in very good company here, and I echo the others in hoping you stick around. 

You CAN have a great life, full of wonderful people and interesting activities.  You are on a healing journey!