Hi! New here; my experience (trigger warning)

[Semicolon]

Hi,

I've only very recently heard of complex PTSD, but it was like a lightbulb going on. Everything resonated with me, the only thing that made me hesitant being a feeling that what I experienced may have been too mild to have caused it, although I know now that downplaying one's experience is another symptom. I'm here to write about what happened to me and see what people think about whether I might have this thing. So here is my experience (definite trigger warnings for several things, including self-harm and suicide).

I'm from a loving, stable, reasonably affluent family. When I went to secondary school (at about 12/13 years old), someone approached me on my first day to ask if I knew that my older brother was a drug dealer. I said that I didn't, and he left it at that. But my entire life changed after that. Most days, the topic came up when people found out who I was or otherwise brought it up. I was bullied at the school too, and eventually asked to move to a different school because of not being happy. Looking back, I wonder how much the rumours I'd heard influenced this. At the time this didn't cross my mind, but if I met a child now who was in the situation I was in then, it would be hard not to make that connection. I can't be sure, though.

Anyway, I moved to a new school and was disappointed to find that there, too, everyone seemed to know that my brother was dealing drugs. I made more friends there eventually but this rumour was always there, hanging over me. For two years, I felt consistently guilty for not doing anything about what I heard. At the time, this decision felt motivated by uncertainty. So many people seemed to believe the rumours that they seemed almost certain to be true, but I never fully believed them. The idea of my brother as a drug dealer was completely incompatible with the person that I thought he was. I considered confronting him about it, but didn't. I was scared of what he would think if the rumours weren't true, and I had demonstrated that I had thought them to be believable. What a terrible brother I would seem, so willing to believe something so unpleasant about him. I was also scared of how he might respond if the rumours were true.  What if he asked me to keep it secret from my Mum and Dad? What would I do then? I also couldn't believe that, if the rumours were true, he would have allowed me to be in the situation that I was. I assumed that he must have realised that I would find out when I went to the same school as him, and, if the rumours were true, he would have brought them up with me somehow, prepared me for hearing them.  I thought about telling my Mum and Dad instead of him, too, and I don't know why I never did. I suppose it was fear and uncertainty about what would happen if I did.  Instead, I hoped that the rumours were either untrue or, more likely, that whatever he was doing, he would stop, and the issue would never have to come up. But for those two years I felt very isolated in the family by the secret.

I can trace back one of the main effects of this entire series of events to this first period. I remember finding all of the emotions involved too difficult to cope with, and wishing that I didn't have them. I began to fantasise about being a completely logical, emotionless being because that seemed preferable, and began to try to suppress all of my emotions.

The next main memory I have is of being fifteen and my Mum waking me up saying that there were police in the house because my brother was in trouble with drugs. I asked her if she'd known and she said no.  She asked me if I had known and I told her that I had, and she urgently told me not to tell anyone, which made me feel guilty and scared. Two policemen with dogs were searching the house. They searched my room with the dogs whilst I was on the landing in my pyjamas. I had a moment of panic when the dogs sniffed at the drawers under my bed, wondering whether my brother might have hidden drugs there, wondering if the police would think they were mine and what trouble I might get into then. I don't remember what happened next. I assume I went back to sleep. I think that violation of my private space had a lasting impact on me, however.

I remember very little of what happened in the next few months. I think I was in shock. I felt very guilty about never having done anything about the rumours I had heard. Mum and Dad kept all of the legal stuff that was happening very secret from me. This is when the lie began, though, I think after my brother was sentenced. My parents told me I had to tell everyone a lie about my brother being on gap year, instead of in the youth offending institute he had been sent to. They have since given me more justification for doing so, but at the time the only reason was that they believed that if the truth got to my grandparents, the shock would kill them. So my understanding was that I had to tell the lie or be responsible for the death of my grandparents. However, everyone at school and elsewhere already knew the truth. So I had to lie to the faces of everyone I knew, knowing that they knew I was lying. I distinctly recall my best friend asking me about it and lying to his face, knowing that he knew the truth, and feeling utterly ashamed. I talked to him about this recently and he was very understanding, saying that he had always assumed that I was lying but that it was just what I'd been told to do, and didn't blame me. But until very recently, I've felt hugely guilty for lying to him and everyone else. This lying made me feel extremely isolated, partly because it meant that I did not have anyone I could talk to about what was going on. I think that this, combined with the rest of the trauma, is what led to me feeling depressed. At the time, I felt that not having any emotions was a silver lining to the whole experience – it was what I'd wanted for a while. Looking back with what I know now, I can see that I was dangerously depressed. I lost all interest in anything really, and couldn't see the point in doing anything or existing at all. For quite a few years, I was very much just going through the motions of existing. Mostly I hid in my room and escaped into computer games. I only really became concerned about this at a few points, then much more so when I went to university. Prior to that, I remember feeling nothing at all when a grandparent died, and realising that that wasn't right. I didn't feel anything going to visit my brother in the young offenders institute. I don't have much memory from any of that time, partly because depression affects your memory, partly because I've avoided thinking about it as much as possible since. I do remember my brother smelling of urine during these visits, or telling me about suicides in the cells near him, or recounting an experience in which someone threatened him.

During this time, I'm not sure what my Mum and Dad were experiencing emotionally, but I don't imagine it was easy, although at least they had one-another and several friends they could talk to. I certainly felt isolated from them. It felt very much that their focus was on my brother for a long time, and I felt quite separate from the family. 

When I went to university, things got to their worst. By this time, I had felt completely isolated for several years, and I was experiencing a great deal of anxiety and paranoia along with depression. I couldn't see any point to anything. I made no friends at all, spending most of my time alone in my room. I wasn't able to access the online games I'd been immersing myself in on the university's internet. Going out to lectures or meals filled me with a sense of terror. I recall sitting in lecture halls feeling painfully hypervigilant. I stopped going to lectures or meals and started to self-harm and fantasise frequently about killing myself. This lasted for most of my first year.

However, things eventually got so bad that I recognised that I had to do something, and I made an effort to go to a university society every week, where I finally made friends who knew nothing about the lie or anything from my past, and things started to get better. I started to feel emotions again, although in a strange way. At first, only anger came back, and I spent a lot of time angry. Then I'd be walking down the street and just find myself crying without actually feeling sad. Eventually, I started to feel a full range of emotions, although I've wondered since whether I feel them as intensely as other people. I think I definitely have a tendency to dissociate from difficult feelings still. Since meeting my current girlfriend soon after, things have gotten better and better, and I'm glad to say that my mental health is now much improved.

The lying felt like the worst part of it all, and did have longer-term effects. Until very recently I've found it quite difficult to get really close to people because of it. I told my girlfriend everything in the first few weeks of us going out, because I didn't want to lie to her especially, but I've continued to keep everything secret from everyone else I've ever met, and that has had an effect. I feel that everything that happened was probably the most formative event of my childhood, being a prominent influence on me from about thirteen years old onwards, and not being able to tell people I meet about it has felt like lying by omission. This has made it difficult to make friendships. I also feel that I have a harder time than most trusting people. I recently made the decision that I wouldn't keep anything about what happened a secret anymore. This has been a huge relief to decide.

I still feel quite anxious around most people, and tend not to leave home if I don't have to. I often cancel plans with friends because it's much easier to stay at home. I can see now how my experience might have led to this. I have avoided thinking about it all for a long time - I'm now in my 30s. I think something that makes me wary of the PTSD label is the flashbacks element, the only part of the symptoms I've read about that doesn't quite fit with me. I know that there might only be emotional flashbacks, which might be what I experienced at university or now when I am with people. I know that when I have felt like I've failed at something or been criticised at work, it has led to intense feelings of shame and and anxiety. I think I'd like to know more about emotional flashbacks. This is all very new to me. I'm also interested in whether I should pursue a diagnosis and what this would bring me.

Anyway, this has been a bit rambling but hopefully it's coherent. Thanks for reading if you got this far!

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS Semicolon     It sounds like you have a very good understanding of what happened to you and why you developed Complex PTSD despite only hearing about it recently. That in itself is a big step forward in recovery so    Hopefully posting here will help you continue to sort things out and process the trauma. 

I did edit one thing in your post because it was on the graphic side. As per our Member Guidelines we ask that members give only enough details to give a general idea of what happened.  Please have a read through the guidelines when you have a moment. 

Again, welcome and glad you found your way here.   

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, semicolon. I'm sorry to hear what all you've been through. Here is a great place to ask questions and pursue your journey toward healing. Best of luck to you.