Is my behaviour inappropriate?

[Gromit]

I occasionally send messages to my neice, what subjects are you choosing to study? In March. Then, after no response, hoping she had a pleasant summer holiday in July.
Today I sent a message as I was planning on sending her a cheque for her birthday but, as her name is hyphenated I wanted to check what name she was known as at the bank. This actually got a response and I stupidly said, 'this is the correct number then'?

Just had a message from her mother, my sister, 'please refrain from messaging X. Your behaviour is completely inappropriate and X has no obligation to reply. We advised her to do so earlier today out of courtesy. Your subsequent reply was uncalled for'

Yes, I know teenagers have no obligation to reply that does not mean I cannot comment about that. I found it amusing that she replied when there was money on offer, but not my other messages. My sister messages my children to ask what they want for their birthdays, and has messaged them at other times.

I feel like asking my sister what her problem is and why she is so judgemental and rude.

I also feel guilty that I am back on here again, in the same part of the forum, venting.
G

[Jazzy]

Hi G,

I think it is fine that you are posting here. That is what this place is for. Please don't feel unwelcome.

Sorry to hear that the only answer you got was to a money offer. I can really relate, and that is not a nice feeling.

This seems like a pretty tricky situation. I'm not very good with family, or kids, really, but I would say that if you don't know why your behaviour is considered inappropriate, than there would be no harm in asking for an explanation. I think it would be important to ask in a very polite way, and be ready for an answer you may not like though. It may be worth keeping in mind that in a few years-ish, your niece will be an adult person of her own, and what your sister says might not be the final word anymore.

I hope things work out for you. Take care G!

[Gromit]

Thanks Jazzy,

My OH suggested a reply too, but not to be drawn into more. So I replied and said I was upset and confused by the message, relieved That I had had a response to the first one, hence my comment about the correct number as messages had gone astray before. My Daughter had messaged my sister a few times and the messages had not been received. I don't think my sister had her devices set up correctly somehow.

Yes, my neice will be 15 soon,.
G

[Gromit]

Radio silence so far.

[Gromit]

I did get a response,

'I'm sorry to hear you feel that way. I must say we have felt the same after some of your messages & email. I think that this just highlights how easily these can be misconstrued.'

A non-apology then. Is it worth telling her her last email made me physically ill bringing up symptoms I haven't had in years? I shared that email on here back in 2017 I think.

G

[Snowdrop]

A non-apology with an undercurrent of blame.

I'm not great in these kinds of situations, but I wonder if responding to the non-apology would drawn you in more.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Gromit]

Blame, yes, well spotted Snowdrop.

I did respond. 'I was physically ill after your last email and now I am starting to get symptoms again, please leave me alone'

So, yeah, blame both ways, rather than just at me, and trying to look after myself instead of just accepting whatever comes from her.
Phew.

[Blueberry]

Sounds pretty familiar Gromit. I don't want to write much more in detail because I notice my stomach tightening at the thought of all those FOO type problems.

Please don't apologise for coming on here to vent about the same type of topic again. That's part of the function of the forum. If you want and it doesn't trigger you, you'll find quite a lot of Recovery Letters from me to my FOO, which are basically vents. I have nieces and nephews too, one niece is even my goddaughter. Can be all quite messy in a family with scapegoats and Golden Children etc. I mean me and my brothers.

Here are my Recovery Letters: https://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=6428.0 My niece comes into things by Oct. 3, 2017

[Gromit]

Hey Blueberry,

I had a look, it is familiar although I really don't have that many events to remember with my foo, or siblings, one is enough.

I have tried unsent letters I must do it again.
Thank you.

[Gromit]

Feeling sad.
I told an ACA fellow traveller about it, they said, 'that is horrible ' which kind of sent it home for me. I hadn't realised, I am used to the way my sister communicates with me I suppose. I was trying to find something I read once, about having a high tolerance for abuse.

Even the kind words from people here, I kind of thought, it isn't that bad, I don't need your sympathy, but that is what heals, feeling the pain not ignoring it. Facing reality.

There is a quote I like, 'character is how you treat the people who can do nothing for you' or words to that effect, my sister's character is showing...courtesy is only shown when there is a reward.

G

[Gromit]

Yesterday my sister texts each of my kids, asking them if there is anything they would like for Christmas?

Still no communication from my neice and she never cashed the cheque I sent which was a sign she did not want me to contact her.

But, OK for my sister to continue with the charade. She takes no interest in my children, no longer contacts me, except to tell me off as in the thread above but, come birthdays and Christmas acts as if everything is normal.

My OH suggested he texted her to say ask the children what they want through him but I am scared of her response to that, no matter how politely he puts it. Besides, our son is 16, an adult.

I have also been wondering if it is worth trying to ask my father the questions I wanted him to answer now that he is dying and won't suff r any repercussions from telling me. His excuse not to tell me before was that 'he wanted to remain on good terms with all family members' despite the fact that I felt angry and upset that no one would tell me what I wanted to know, which was why they would not attend my wedding, why they treated me the way they did. Honestly, they may not know why, it must have made sense at the time to them but has probably been buried in all kinds of myths and half truths to justify their behaviour.

Sometimes I read threads on here and OOTF about siblings and wonder if I am the problem, as they think. My behaviour towards them may seem as bizarre as their behaviour towards me.
G

[Blueberry]

I'm sending you a PM.

[Gromit]

Just checking I can post, am not at home and some websites don't like my temp address

[Gromit]

Funny how things change, a couple of months ago, out of the blue, I had a text from my niece. My sister separated from her husband at the end of last year and has been back in contact with me. My niece wanted to apologise for her behaviour, influenced by her father.

I have used all of my experience to respond in a way to encourage her to remain in contact, who hasn't been influenced by older relatives? Even I took some of her fathers suggestions seriously which is why things deteriorated so much.

There is hope if you stay open minded and patient. Maybe.

G

[Blueberry]

      Happy for you at this turn of events