Letter to Him

[Elphanigh]

As a disclaimer ish like thing, I am not honestly sure how to write this but feel a need to. I am also not completely sure what will come out but I am curious to find out. I put a *TW* on the title and then again a reminder here because I know everything revolving him is full of possible triggers depending on how I write this. I am going to call him Dv here, so we all know I am not referring to my D.



Dear Dv,

These are words I will likely never share with you, and certainly not in person but they are words you need to hear. Words that more than anything I need to say. You have a little girl now, and I am terrified for her because I know what evil you are capable of and there is nothing I can do to ensure she stays safe. For her sake, I hope you are better. I hope that you can give her the life neither of us got as kids. She deserves that and so much more. Your face is one of happiness with her and I pray (even though I am not the praying type) that it is a genuine happiness, that it means you are going to give that little girl the world. For her sake, I do hope that is true happiness and that you have found the good part of your soul.

For me, it is hard to see you happy. You put me through many versions of *, and showed no remorse. When I saw you last, several years after the fact, you had the nerve to great me like and old friend forcing me to be happy and smiley because I was at work and you were a guest. Even now that makes me shudder because you deserve no kindness from me. You don't deserve to be happy when every day I battle the scars that you left on me. I had no chance to be a kid because you took it from me. I had no way to know that I was worth something, because you showed me I wasn't. As a little kid I believed everything you said, from "I love you" to "You are never going to be loved" and everything in between.

I received nothing but awful things from you. Your gifts when they were sweet were truly just bribes to keep me silent and under your thumb. When those failed you became more violent and manipulative... out right cruel every moment. You turned my childhood into a war zone that I could never be free from. It would take me more time to list out the things you did and caused than you are worth.

I deserved better, and I know that now. I was never what you made me believe I was. I was good, innocent, and strong. You were toxic and took from me simple human rights in many ways. I deserved better. I still deserve better and am finally getting it.

I do hope that some part of you feels remorse for all the things you did, and that it makes you into the dad that your little girl deserves. That your soul does ache because of the way you treated me. You deserve to carry the pain that I have felt all my life because of the torture you put me through. No one that is kind and good could ever put someone through even half of it, so you deserve to feel it. It really should haunt you for the rest of your life, so when you even think of me or hurting another person you can't move or even imagine hurting someone again.

I am writing this because I need you to know how much pain you inflicted.. that the physical bruises you left faded but the impact on my core being has continued to exist and wreak havoc my whole life. You don't deserve the real estate in my being any longer, you never did deserve to hold a piece of my soul.. but damn you left an impact. One that will ensure that I never take less than what I deserve again, and that I certainly never let anyone like you near anyone I love again. Your power was made up and no longer rules me. It is you who is small and undeserving, it always was. I was just too young to see that your words were not reflections of my value but instead reflections of you.

-Elpha




Done for now. He might get more words in the future but for the moment this is all he deserves.