sj's journal

[sj]

I actually just wrote something of my recent issues for another post, and then got panicky that it was too long and not appropriate for the main board. I started thinking it might be better as a journal entry, so here I am.... 

I've been wondering about starting a journal, but haven't known where to start. I read bits of other people's journals, but so far I feel a bit overwhelmed by them because I feel I've missed so much and want to go back, but can't read that much. I also feel a bit awkward about commenting when I feel like I'm coming in part way and don't know people well, yet. And now that I am actually starting my own journal thread I feel like it's a stupid idea and surprisingly confronted by it. It seemed like a good idea earlier, but now I feel stupid


Anyway............. 

Before I begin properly, I want to say that I'm quite happy for people to share any relevant stories that may be prompted by anything I write - what I will call 'Appropriate Hijacking'. I'm also happy for people to pick out something that someone else has said and respond to that, a bit like more normal conversations when people bounce off each other. As long as it is essentially on topic, then I figure it is all potentially helpful and interesting and I welcome others input. I don't want people to feel overly concerned about hijacking, especially if it is all in response to a topic or idea raised. Hope that makes sense. 

[Hope67]

Hi sj,
I think it's great that you've started your Journal - and I hope you'll find it helpful - it took me ages to pluck up the courage to post anything in the early days of being in this forum, I literally read and didn't feel I could contribute or write anything, and over time, I felt so much better in that respect.  Just wanted to wish you the best with this journal.
Hope 

[sj]

So this is what I had written earlier that I thought is probably more of a journal post:

A couple of years ago I wrote my parents - who are divorced and living in different countries - a long letter outlining my pretty dire situation (serious health issues, inability to earn income, unstable housing) and floated the possibility of some financial assistance. I went into it knowing it was a serious double-edged sword. I would not have done it if I didn't feel in a desperate place. Friends and T thought it was worth trying given my circumstances. I also laid out that I would only communicate with them via email, with no Skype or phone calls. I said I could not put a time-frame on how long I would need this arrangement in place. I said I did not want to be put in the position of being asked to discuss any of this. Even though there had been some very upsetting and tumultuous exchanges in the previous year, resulting in my being NC for a while, they both came back in great support and willing to help with important things when needed. For a long time we communicated by email in a sporadic to regular basis with no mention of Skype or phone calls, etc.

Then, there were a couple of occasions when my f asked if we could speak via Skype, "because it's been such a long time, Darling". And once even his wife asked. Each time I would go into a complete panic and become so angry and distressed. I would end up deciding to ignore, given my stated boundaries, and things always seemed to move on ok. T supported this. A bit of NoJADE approach.

Now, leading up to this xmas my father came up with an idea for a xmas present for me - that he and his wife would pay for my internet connection in my new place so that I could have music, movies, easy surfing and ..... we could Skype(!!!). Then he said we should try to arrange a Skype chat for xmas, even asked for my phone number when I informed him of delays on moving. I FREAKED OUT. Not only about the Skype and phone call, but at the idea of having some regular, major thing being paid for. The whole suggestion made me feel completely terrified and trapped like a cornered animal (a feeling I'm very familiar with, especially from my f). Not only did I feel that this time I had to respond to the Skype thing, but I also had to decline the gift offer - both of which I knew would result in fallout.

In a much more tight time-frame than I would like I worked up the courage to write a letter, first covering other topics and trying to keep it calm and clear and loving, Then I said I was not going to rush into an internet plan (he was getting quite excited and pushy about it) since my priority was making the place homely - it's been years since I've had my own space to call 'home'. And finally I calmly but firmly referred to my earlier letter and reiterated my boundaries on communication. I felt sick as I pressed send, knowing there would be fallout of some kind, but certain that I had to send it and ride out whatever came. That was a couple of days before xmas.

I sent he and his wife a message on xmas morning. I didn't receive one back. I have not had any emails from him since I sent that boundary reiteration. Not surprising, but still so upsetting 

I am going through so many difficult emotions and thoughts, especially given my parents age. But there is also a sense of inevitability and relief. I feel a bit like the new place can be a new start where I do not rely on my parents financial support any more. That will be challenging, as I am still unable to work, but with subsidised rent it may be possible. But there is a sense of freedom in thinking about not relying on them, but more so from feeling less obliged to them if they cannot respect my boundaries or responsibly address past damage.

For now I feel I have to address my f's silence - one of his major weapons. Part of me wants to just not write to him at all and just allow that silence to morph into NC. But I'm feeling I need to close it properly for myself, somehow. I am not him and I do things more openly and honestly. I want to communicate something to him that names the silence as his choice. Maybe to say that I am sad, given his age and my struggles with living, but that I accept his silence and in so doing will cease trying to communicate with him. I'm still contemplating how I might word it - I think it needs to be succinct. But I feel like it is haunting me if I don't close it off, or something.

[sj]

hello Hope 
Thank you for the kind encouragement 

[Blueberry]

sj, I'm sending    for all that financial manipulation stuff going on. My FOO goes in for that too. I think you're doing well, re-stating your boundaries and noticing how you freak out internally when your F suggests you go back on those boundaries and pander to his wants.

[woodsgnome]

  sj --- welcome to the journal portion of OOTS. While many entries stand alone, several might elicit comment so it's kind of a mixed way. Some of our issues might be entirely unique; then by including them journal-style we find out that much is relevant (and sometimes not) to others. Either way it's a good tool in our confused meanderings in, out, and around our cptsd-derived issues.

Regarding your current situation, I admire your wherewithal in trying to make sense of the manipulative pressures being put on you. It's hard to resist that sort of thing, especially when you have circumstances that could be greatly affected by what's going on. I just hope you remember the inner you that needs careful and loving attention.

Wishing for your the best, and most of all for a peaceful and heart-filled approach.

[Deep Blue]

Wishing you the best on this journal.  I was in a similar boat.  It took me quite awhile to feel comfortable posting.  Even now, when I'm in an EF, I have difficulty.  Welcome welcome to the world of journaling 

[sj]

feeling pretty wiped out, today, and I have an appointment to go to, so I won't write as much as I want

but I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge everyone's replies and say Thank You - it feels nice to have the responses and also very useful to have some feedback from a more objective perspective about the dynamics I'm dealing with

[sj]

Even though I've known for a long time something like this would happen - especially so when about to re-iterate boundaries the other week - I have still been very affected by my F's total silence.

I often feel guilt and like I shouldn't be so sensitive and should just find the strength to speak to him. I feel ashamed that I'm abandoning him when he is old and has been supporting me. I also feel panic and deep grief that he may die with us being in this silence. I had actually been hoping I may be able to speak to him again, including about his childhood and family background. I even spoke to my T about that possibility, as I had been making some improvements and sometimes feeling like this was viable to consider, rather than just terrifying only. But yeah - I have been feeling strong waves of 'I'm in the wrong.'.It makes me feel messed up and like my family will all see it as further proof of my craziness and of being difficult or whatever else. So then I feel more isolated and alienated ....... gah! 

Anyway, I needed, for myself, to write something to him to try and put the ball back in his court and make a bit of a tie-off so that the silence wasn't just dangling into space. I needed to feel and express, somehow, that I wasn't going to chase after him or try to make things better, and that he has a choice in deciding what is of most value to him and how he can choose to conduct himself.

I don't want to feel beholden to him in any way, so I tried to send a firm but loving response that made no apologies for my boundaries, named the silence (nothing is still something, right?) and his responsibility for it, made clear I wouldn't participate, and gave thanks and wished him well. I don't feel I've closed doors, but I've made it clear if he wants those communication doors open again then he will have to do it and that he will know I am not going to back down on my boundaries.

I still am struggling with all the other stuff and I really am finding it hard to come more face-to-face with a potential future of total disconnection  . But in some part of me I feel something firm and clear, like I've drawn a line under something that needed to be drawn. I went through a few panic attacks after I sent it, especially over the "I will not communicate to a void" line. Maybe it could have been better, but I needed to just get it done and move on to next phase of processing, so I'm telling myself that we can't do everything perfectly, especially this really tricky stuff. Plus I'm being more grown-up, open and honest than him, so, there's that.

Also, it is helpful to remind myself of various instances and forms of abuse he inflicted 

$#&*@#$ *!!! .... sigh

[sj]

In a couple of days I'm moving to a new unit in a rural town after staying in a granny-flat in the region's major centre for 2 and half months. Even though I can't fit all my stuff here (not that I have much stuff with me - fits into a small hatchback, lol!  ), it has been a very safe and cozy sort of place which I've come to really like. It's a nice block and the land-lady has been a wonderful contact for me. I came here not knowing anyone, so it has been good to feel a bit connected and welcomed and invited to things, even if I often don't accept - she is very understanding.

She's been away on a number of short trips, too, so I've been tending to her lovely garden, picking fresh veggies and fruit, feeding her chooks and collecting the eggs, going for walks in the neighbourhood when I'm well enough. It has been such a nourishing, supportive interlude that now I am feeling quite sad and anxious about leaving, going to yet another place where I don't know anyone, and that maybe I'm making a mistake to move there. The land-lady wished I would stay and says that she's going to miss me, and she seems really genuine. It's funny how I feel both moved and scared of that. Some parts of me want to have more of that in my life, while others are terrified and avoidant of it. Anyway -  i think it is important for me to finally have my own space and be in control of that, not answering to anyone or living on other's terms. I'm so weary of not having that 

The place I'm moving to is in a complex of 12 units and its for a more elderly demographic - even though I'm in my early-mid 40s, my health issues ticked enough boxes for the support organisation that owns and runs them to approve me. I've met a few of the gentlemen who live out there, all clearly 70s+. I've yet to meet any of the women, but I've only been out there a couple of times to ferry a few things out there and do some vacuuming and cleaning.

I've felt too overwhelmed with other things going on to organise internet (there have been a series of issues and hold-ups all out of my control so I'm going to be moving in about a month later than I was supposed to). I feel a bit anxious about not having internet access for an indeterminate period of time, too. But I'm also kind of thinking it might be good to have a bit of a break, listen to downloaded podcasts and audiobooks, read actual books, potter about cleaning and nesting, and start on a new knitting project. Take my time with internet and take pressure off myself.

I've had so much instability that I'm both dreading yet another upheaval while looking forward to my own space, thinking this may be the best opportunity I've had for a long time to experience some meaningful stability - certainly in my own space. I've had so many knock-downs and dislocations I feel scared to be too hopeful, but I still do feel some hope that this will be just what I need at this point in my life.

[Three Roses]

I think this will be a happy move! You deserve a place of your very own. 

[Deep Blue]

I agree with 3R.  A place of your very own is what you deserve!

[sj]

TR and DB - thank you for the reassurance and encouragement 

it will be a relief to have the moving/ cleaning part is over with - i have been doing everything in managed stages, and (all going well) will be sleeping there tomorrow night ... then furniture from the op-shop will be delivered the following morning, so by Thursday it will start to more resemble a home. I'll try to get a TV for extra 'company' I think, especially if I don't have internet for a while. And I was able to confirm today that I'm allowed to start preparing some cleared garden beds behind my unit for veggies, so that was was good news. Just little nesting things that will keep me occupied for a while. 

[Hope67]

Hi Sj,
Great that you are settling into your new place, and I hope that you enjoy the little nesting things. 
Hope