It never ends

[radical]

I'm feeling broken.

The bully who bullied me out of both my faith community and a community project we were both involved in, smeared me so severely that I have been planning to move to another city and start afresh next year (this isn't anywhere near a full summary because this is a small place and the damage has gone far wider than the membership of these groups)  - that delightful person - has managed to do me more harm.

Last month she and her supporters moved out of the faith community to worship separately, in large part because of the "slander" caused by my telling some people what had happened.  I left that community two years ago.  I felt it was a power play.  Almost all in that group and everyone in the other group have ostracised  me.  But I still have two friends from the faith community.  But it seems it wasn't good enough to have anyone still speak to me.

It was predictable given the close-knit nature of the group, just a matter of time really.  One friend tried to talk me into saying that my feelings from previous abuse had been projected onto the bully. She also hinted I had other reasons for unfairly accusing this person.   I was shocked but managed to politely reject that, but things have changed now in both friendships and I feel I have now been completely socially annihilated

[Three Roses]

Radical, I'm so sorry to hear this. It amazes me constantly how people of faith can turn their backs on their own instead of reaching out for mutual understanding. A hug to you if you want it, and just know that you are esteemed here.

[woodsgnome]

It's always a cruel double whammy, when people like us who for various reasons have trust issues to begin with, finally take a chance to reach out, then see our hopes dashed once more.

Sometimes even sincere and bold outreach falls prey to the sorts of back-stabbing you refer to. Even one time is too often for its occurrence, and somehow we have this instinct to try again, so it's devastating when this sort of cheap rejection turns your sincerity from hope to confusion to despair.

'Not your fault' is probably the truth, but too often someone just can't stand to think of it that way, goes out of their way to create problems. Mostly just because it's how they are; NOT how you are. It's more about their false motives and desperate self-esteem issues; then you're left alone with sadness they probably wouldn't understand either.

I so wish I had more than these few words to offer. I do admire your willingness to have put out the best effort you could. Small consolation, I know, but it's given from my heart to your heart. It won't stop the pain, we both know that; but perhaps it's even more important than we'll ever fully understand. 

[LilyITV]

I am so sorry to hear this radical.     I can't imagine how devastated you must feel.  It so hard for us to trust people even when we don't have people actively trying to destroy us.  It is hard for me to accept sometimes that there are people out there who are so cold and heartless to do stuff like this to others.  It's exponentially more disappointing when people of faith do stuff like this. 

As painful as it is though, I believe you will have gotten the better deal.  If those people were going to believe the worst about you then that says more about *them* than it does about *you*.  They are miserable little sheep and they deserve to stay with each other and wallow in their negativity. 

You are moving on and I know better things are in store for you.  A lot of people say when you go through the type of trauma we have that it causes us to be a whole lot more stronger and particularly more empathetic.  You are recovering and you are going to attract incredible, genuine and kind people who will lift you up instead of tear you down. 

You feel annihilated now, but I think of you as a phoenix rising from the ashes. 

[Phoebes]

I'm sorry, radical. That really sucks. Although I'm not surprised, because I've come to realize this sort of treatment is the norm. The ONLY, and I do mean only, people who can be trusted with any personal information when coming from a standpoint of malignant narc abuse, are fellow people who have experienced it and understand.

I left my church community and community to start over several years ago. It was similar in that I didn't feel accepted for whatever reason, but then, as they encourage opening up and being "vulnerable" yada yada..then they don't want to hear, believe, understand what you have to say when it doesn't fit what they think it should. The minute I moved away, my Nm changed from her church to mine, and started telling her group she had a daughter who had "divorced" her. (This was early on when I had only asked for some time and space, and that I would contact her.) Many of these people were moms of MY friends in the church. I had planned on visiting occasionally when I came to town to see my other family members, but now I just stay away entirely.

I think worse than the directly abusive (because it's easy to know what to think there), are the people who immediate jump to not believing you. Not believing your experience could possibly be. This is what I don't understand, yet have experienced over and over.

I'm so happy for you you're moving on! I bet a lot of new doors will open! And you have a choice how to start fresh. That's a nice feeling.

[Contessa]

Radical,
What a terrible way to behave, I hope Karma bites them hard.

I know something these people don't; and that is you have strength, integrity, and a sense of fairness in justice. I know you went through this nastiness two years ago, but while you were fighting your battle you still had the energy to grab me and pull me up when I was fighting mine.

You saved me then. You helped me front up day after day so I could still do what I needed to do while I was being maliciously stabbed from all directions.

I never gained back my full credibility, but I was then able to leave that toxic environment on my terms, and start afresh. That was because of you. Those people who treated me so badly are gone, replaced with much better people.

I have confidence that the change will be a good new beginning. You're moving on and up. They will still be dwelling in filth.

I survived... because of you. I am stronger... because of you. I have now moved on and up... and I still put that down to you. I know you will build a new, good, better life in this new place, because you were strong enough to carry me too.

I cannot wait for these doors to open. Hang in there, use whatever strength you can muster. Next year will soon be here

[radical]

Thank you so much Three Roses, Woodsgnome,  LilyTv, Phoebes, and Contessa.

I don't know how I'd get through this without your kindness and understanding.  I'm struggling with disbelief.  It feels like I've spent a lifetime trying to understand but from my own experience of being in the world, never before understanding that people are different.  I think that is part of why good people get dragged into this vicious game, that an being afraid, instinctually, of those who are not governed by conscience.

"It's more about their false motives and desperate self-esteem issues; then you're left alone with sadness they probably wouldn't understand either"


I've come to believe that it's not just "wouldn't understand", but also wouldn't be able to handle.  One of the biggest components of abuse is an inability to tolerate shame, and therefore the need to dump it into someone else.  It must be we who are strong because we are able to carry what they cannot. (which does not mean we should carry it). I think it is more often cannot than 'will not'.  I know the faith community takes a great deal of pride in their reputation.  I wish it had the courage of its convictions.  They are shame-dumping because they have been shown up by what happened to me.


"You are recovering and you are going to attract incredible, genuine and kind people who will lift you up instead of tear you down."

Right now I don't feel I have the courage to reach out again.  It's something I need to find in myself.


".....are the people who immediate jump to not believing you. Not believing your experience could possibly be."

Sometimes naivety is moral cowardice.


" I know you will build a new, good, better life in this new place, because you were strong enough to carry me too."

I'll hold onto this.  I really needed it today.

love to you all