Why do I feel guilt/shame? Logic versus emotion

[caroline]

Why do I feel so ashamed about/guilty about the abuse?

Trying to work through some stuff and am wondering how I managed to take the 'blame' when I would never think that way about someone else who had had those sorts of experiences.

I am supposed to be being more compassionate for/to myself but I am really struggling with how to do that.

Thank you for listening x

[Jdog]

Caroline- 

When I go through those emotions, knowing that I should have more self compassion is tricky because a part of me always thinks that I ought to have been able to control the situation.  But, logically, we very well know that when there is a power imbalance the control always rests with the older person.  We know that, right?  But forgiving ourselves for just trying to survive is what we must do. 

Give yourself time to learn and practice thy self compassion.  It doesn't happen overnight and occurs in fits and starts. 

[Three Roses]

Sometimes when I'm struggling with seeing something clearly, I imagine what I would feel like if I actually saw it happening to someone else. That gives me a better understanding of what my feelings about experiencing a particular abusive episode should be, in other words, what an understandable, natural, "normal" reaction would be. I can then give that feeling to my inner child, or imagine her experiencing that emotion. But I'll caution you, this sometimes is really, really clear, and shocking.

[Elphanigh]

Caroline, that is a really difficult skill to practice. It took me several years of dedicated healing to stop blaming myself. Not to say it can't happen faster or slower, everyone is different, but just to say I understand. Like riding a bike or swimming it is something that must be practiced slowly and with help at first. It will come though, especially if you are starting to work through other parts of trauma.

For me I honestly happened upon it much like Three Roses has said, and I still do this if I start to self blame again. It reminds me just how small I was, and how I truly had no real power to change the situation. Which can be painful as a truth but it does help with the compassion over time.

Sending safe hugs 

[Rainydaze]

I think it was a self-defence mechanism for so long back when we couldn't escape the abusive situation that it is extremely hard to shake off in the present day. I often find myself wondering whether my no contact with my abuser is too harsh and then picture myself back in the situation I was in when we had regular communication and realise that yes, it really was that bad and mentally damaging. I think people with a healthy assertiveness acknowledge that poor behaviour does have repercussions, which turns everything we have been brought up to believe on its head. It's overwhelming and a lot to get used to. Safe hugs from me too. 

[ForgottenOne]

Complex ptsd lies to us. I too blamed myself for the abuse and every bad thing (sexual assaults as an adult and a teen as well.)

I think when we are younger and even after becoming adults, even decades later, we blame ourselves.

It wasn't our fault.

I beat myself up mentally for so long, that that impact did more damage to me than the original abuse.

I hope you realize it was not your fault and forgive yourself for not knowing otherwise.