Questions (possible tw)

[graffitighost]

There are some things I haven't gotten the chance to ask that I've been wanting to ask for a long, long time.

Can mentally/physically abused children act younger than they are? Can children on mood altering meds also experience that if they don't need that medication?

Why was I such a difficult kid? I threw a LOT of tantrums. Is it possible that I started off like that and then mom started being abusive or maybe she was abusive first and that kinda messed me up? I remember some things she did when I was little but they seem to have gotten more frequent as I got older. Or do children really just learn from their parents?

Is it OKAY for me to say that I learned my behavioural issues I had as a kid from my mom or is that being irresponsible?

When I was a pre teen I hit first sometimes. I yelled at her, and freaked out. Why? Is that because I was being abused? If I was abused why was I able to look her in the face and call her out for it? I wasn't always meek and quiet. I fought back, and sometimes I lost my * and yelled/hit/threw things first. Is that understandable? Do I get to excuse myself from that? And why was I able to call her out?

I had some weird episodes during the last year I spent with her, which was in 2014. I didn't hurt anyone, they were just really weird. One hit me when I was home alone and I got so scared of it I called the police. My brain felt... Fuzzy, and off? I realized I didn't feel "real" and I started repeating that over and over. I paced around the house, walked outside. I think I was smiling/laughing at one point?? It's never happened since. What was that? Could it have been because of stress/trauma? I was 12/13. This and the next one I really want to know because it was WEIRD. Like stereotypical asylum patient weird.

Another was during a fight and my brain kinda snapped like that time but not in the same way. For some reason I thought if my mom wouldn't accept/believe my apology I would try to "speak to her" by making some kind of art thing with it (she was an artist). I put up post it notes around the house with stuff that she said that were "right" (i.e 'I leave my dirty clothes everywhere' over a pile of clothes). I also wrote the things she called me that I believed I was on my face and waited for her to get back. Obviously it backfired like *. What the actual f was wrong with me? Why did I think that would work and why did I do such a weird thing? Has anyone else done anythinf weird like that, is that normal? Was I insane?

Why can I only remember parts of fights and why are they so fuzzy sometimes? What if I'm remembering things wrong?

My mom never left many marks on me either. I only remember her doing it twice, and once was when was during a huge fight when I was yelling at her. I had something in my hand so I could give her a piece of my mind without her hitting me. I don't remember saying anything bad, and I'm pretty sure I was just yelling about how frustrated I was at her for keeping me from my sisters. She grabbed it and got my diaphragm and my inner elbow and it left a mark, but even then it was just a tiny cut on my inner elbow. It was bad enough, I won't describe it but I did lose my breath. Was she justified?

What if I abused her? And how do I know that I didn't for sure? What if I really was an awful child and I drove her up the wall? I don't really fully believe that and I'm usually not confused enough to question it but the uncertainty makes me nervous

[Libby183]

I was so sad to read your post.  I know that you are very young and I am rather old, but the instant I think of my emotionally and physically abusive parents,  I feel so young and defenceless, and above all, confused. Just like you describe.

I want to tell you, absolutely and without any doubt,  it is your mother and not you, that is abusive. You may behave oddly,  but it is not odd in the context of a relationship with these abusive parents.

I haven't found the key to dealing with this yet, but I just want you to wholeheartedly accept yourself,  as not being abusive. These damaged and cruel parents have driven you to this, but will never accept any responsibility.

It's not much, but I hear and understand absolutely and I hope you can get away as soon as possible.

[graffitighost]

Ive been out of her home for about 4 years now, and I'm safe and a lot better. Just still confused is all ❤

[Libby183]

They maintain control by confusing you  and making sure that you lose your temper. So pleased you are safely away from them. I have just had brief contact with my parents after six years no contact.  I was amazed how the awful behaviour has just intensified. They confuse me, but I am really getting to grips with the reality of them. It's them, not us. Stay strong.

Libby.