Suffering through Narc/Socio Withdrawal after ending 27 years with him

[mar74]

I need help.  I need some support from people who understand.

There was a

[radical]

We spent nearly every waking moment we could together.  His job lately even allowed me to go with him all throughout his workday.  For nearly 26 years we went to bed at the same exact time "together" every single night.  He'd hold me until we fell asleep, he got up before me and pasted my toothbrush every single day and at night before bed, he ran me a million bubble baths over the years, boiling pots of water to warm it up so I could stay in for hours and the list goes on and on.

We had a million special things we did together, date nights, Chinese food and Dexter, handed me chapstick each night before curling up to sleep.

I think I understand a bit.  I was in a relationship like this from when I was very young, but i'm glad I didn't stay 27 years.  I recognise what you are saying about how specially loving your partner was, and how this leads to confusion and severe trauma-bonding.  What no-one much mentions about coercive control is the "loving' parts of the relationship.  if it was just wall to wall abuse, we wouldn't stay a week.

There is so much in what you have written here that I recognise, and it took me years to understand.  I was trapped in thinking the abuse was an aberration due to some psychological problems that I so wanted to be able to help him with, and the "loving" person was the real person.  Truth is, there was no real person, and all those "special", "loving" things were just the gilded part of the cage.  He didn't love me and wasn't capable of loving anyone.  He just wanted to control me, and boy did he control me.  That spending every waking moment together?  Nothing to do with love, just control.  I felt guilty for wanting a few moments to myself.  I wasn't allowed to be me, he even told me what to wear.  He never knew me and wasn't faintly interested in knowing me.  I was a doll.

I recognise the agony of missing someone in this situation.  It feels like it will never end.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It seems to me that, at the moment, the person you need to find and to love is yourself.  The future can take care of itself, and doing this is likely to be an urgent need.  I was very vulnerable going into my next disastrous relationship so soon afterwards.  I wish i had concentrated on finding myself.  I would have saved myself a lot of grief.

You are freer than you've been for your entire life.  Freedom is a gift but it can feel like a curse, in this situation.  Can you think about some things you'd like to do?  Can you go out and do some of them, maybe small things first, just because you can?  Forget about enjoyment maybe, but exercising freedom is important.

I couple of years after we split, I met my ex.  I loathed him.  He had a new wife, yet tried to hit in me.  I couldn't believe that the lying, shallow, manipulative creep before my eyes was someone I had felt such love for  I realised I was under a sick spell that it had taken a huge effort to break.  I hadn't been able to see reality.  Everything I thought we were had been a lie.  He was a chameleon, and if I'd been older when we'd gotten together, I woud have seen through him.  The way he talked about his wife appalled me.  He couldn't seem to get through a single sentence without lying.  I was frightened that I had ever trusted him.

You were always worth so much more than this!  Please hold on and be gentle with yourself.

I'm glad you've got a therapist who can help you through this.   We are here for you.  I hope you come back and talk some more.

[Deep Blue]

Truth is, there was no real person, and all those "special", "loving" things were just the gilded part of the cage.  He didn't love me and wasn't capable of loving anyone.  He just wanted to control me, and boy did he control me.  That spending every waking moment together?  Nothing to do with love, just control.  I felt guilty for wanting a few moments to myself.  I wasn't allowed to be me, he even told me what to wear.  He never knew me and wasn't faintly interested in knowing me.  I was a doll.

You are freer than you've been for your entire life.  Freedom is a gift but it can feel like a curse, in this situation.  Can you think about some things you'd like to do?  Can you go out and do some of them, maybe small things first, just because you can?  Forget about enjoyment maybe, but exercising freedom is important.

Radical is so right.  We get sucked in.  When you are under the spell of a sociopath it's a trick.  They really make you believe that the sun rises and sets for you.  It is false.  They only care about themselves and you are their plaything. 

It may seem hard to see it but things get better.  I've been where you are.  Foods were bland, the world lacked luster, so broken that I couldn't remember how to make memories without my abuser.  I no longer feel that way.  I'm writing a new narrative for myself.  I'm going to be ok.  It takes awhile... but we are here while you search for your new way.

[Kizzie]

I can't say much more than Deep Blue and Radical have said - it's just deeply painful to be tricked (abused) by someone we love and we think loves us and it will take some time to get over it.  I do hope being here will help you with the healing process. 

One thing you wrote in your last post caught my eye:

When I told him I'd fight for half of the house and car etc., he says when he's done with me I'll be on medication for the rest of my life.  Says he's going to make me pay in ways that are so painful I've never felt anything like it.

Domestic violence is a very real and dangerous situation that has taken a lot of women so I encourage you to please consider your safety.  You can google DV helplines/agencies in your location, or start here at Hot Peach which is an international site of DV agencies and abuse info in 110 languages.

Kizzie

[Deep Blue]

Hey Mar,
What you said about not knowing who you are without him really resonated with me.  I was in that same boat.  It took my abuser 2 years to successfully remove me from all my friends and family.  My abuser had me convinced they were all bad influences.  I even thought turning my back on them was My Idea!  It has taken some time but I'm stronger and healthier and am learning who I am again.  I wish healing and growth for you sweetie if it's ok
Deep Blue

[radical]

I agree with Kizzie and Deep Blue.
Please keep yourself safe and use every resource necessary to do so.

It's a really tough, confusing, painful time.  When I was going through something similar, I wish I had known how much I needed to find my self.  I lost a lot of time and suffered more than I would have across time, because I've only gotten to that place recently.  It took me years to fully understand the extent of the damage the abuse had caused me.


You matter! Please be kind and gentle with yourself.

[Kizzie]

I'm sorry to hear you are in this position Mar but I'm glad you have a T and are safe now.

I assume your children are grown, would they be able to help you with funds for a lawyer?  If not, it may be that a women's organization may know of less expensive or pro bono legal services if you do want to move ahead with taking him to court. 

[timetakesmymind]

Hey, I just want you to know that you are going through a really difficult time. 27 years of a partnership! It's going to take time to heal. Have patience with yourself and remind yourself of what this pain means. It means that you are moving towards a healthier place and that you, in such a difficult situation, said, "Enough. I am worth more." You are doing what you have to do and the pain is to be expected. You are looking back on and processing 27 years of difficult times, happy times, bonds that felt so strong and yet weren't strong enough. He didn't focus on his own issues and instead, took it out on you. This is not your fault. I am so proud of you for stepping forward even though every day must feel like you're treading water, sludging through a swamp, etc. Please keep going.