Tell me what this is?

[tiasarah]

So, this is what's happening to me, I don't know a name to put on it.

I have times when my brain keeps drifting off into fantasyland. It's a pretty benign fantasyland, I imagine that I'm snuggling with my boyfriend, who is someone that I feel really safe around. I've felt safe around him since the day we met over a year ago, and he's never done anything to betray that trust. I try telling myself I have something to do and I need to get up right now, but I just slip back into it. I try praying and I can't focus on praying, I just slip back into it. My alarm rings and I snap out of it and turn the alarm off, and I can even get up and dressed and stuff, but I slip back into it. I try mindfulness, but my brain just doesn't want to be in my body putting the clothes on and remembering which job I'm going to this morning so I get the dress code right, it wants to be snuggling with my boyfriend. I don't blame it; I'd love to spend 24/7 snuggling with my boyfriend, but he and I both have to earn a living, do dishes, attend to our personal hygiene, etc.

Then I have times when I'm feeling really uneasy. Usually when I find out something my ex has done regarding the kids, or there's something I'm afraid he's going to do. I can't focus. This happened to me today. I went to the store thinking I'd do some retail therapy, and I'm there in the store but it's like I fell asleep and just woke up standing in the store with a grocery cart, except that I remember wanting to go to the store and buy groceries and I wasn't asleep. I have to keep checking all the time to make sure I still have my Four Things (phone, wallet, keys, and concealed weapon*) because when I've been in this state before, sometimes I've forgotten one of them at home or set my phone or wallet down somewhere and walked away. I fight to keep myself present and alert. My body will start to hurt and every ache will become magnified; I become reluctant to walk because of the pain.

What is this called? Is this an emotional flashback? Is this dissociation? What word goes with this?


* I never go anywhere without a weapon. Yes I have a concealed weapons permit and I've practiced and I keep it where the kids can't get it etc. etc. etc. No I'm not suicidal anymore, and I never was homicidal. It just makes me feel safer to carry it, after something that happened to me before. Thank you for your concern.

[FredrickaGoshlox]

I'm sorry you are having this stuff going on.

I have never experienced what you are going through, but I have had depersonalization and derealization, the feeling of being in a dream and it is scary and horrible. It is also a trauma symptom. I am just taking a layperson's guess and could be wrong, but it sounds like you have things you are dealing with and the things on your mind are not what is happening now, but from the past. If this were me, and I were not in therapy, I'd go to try to figure out what it is and maybe get some relief. In fact, I think I'd see a psychiatrist who is the one MD and probably can come closest to diagnosing what you are feeling. Sometimes a diagnosis is the explanation you need to feel a lot less anxious about the symptoms.

I hope you feel better soon and offer my empathy and caring.