Really Struggling

[IFeelSoAlone]

I am having a really really rough time today.  I feel like all I want to do is shut everyone out and not let anyone close to me.  All my life I have felt like everyone that I get close to is just gonna up and leave me one day.  I open up to very few people and when I do it is only a small portion of what is going on in my life and in my head.  I try not to even burden other people with what I am going through. This fear of abandonment has been proven to be right.  The few people that I have opened up to have indeed ended up abandoning me in the long run.  I feel like I can trust no one.

Well today, I feel like I am doing everything wrong and that all I do it hurt the people I get close to.  I seem to always do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing.  No matter how hard I try to please people it is never good enough.  I wonder at times why do I even bother letting anyone in anymore, seeing that no one sticks around.  I have always been one to give people the benefit of the doubt, and it usually ends up bitting me in the * in the long run.Even when I think that "this time will be different".  It is never different, and it it never will be.  All people want to do is hurt me, take advantage of me.  Again, this is something that I know is not logically the truth but try tell that to my head and my heart.  What if all I am meant to do is be a fly on a wall that knows everyone elses  businesss but I am not allowed to share mine without warning.   

[Dutch Uncle]

AAAhhhg... That's tough. 

I have a question:
What happens when you give in to your need to curl up in ball, shut everything out, close the curtains, unplug the phone and be on your own, for a day?

I can relate somewhat with what you describe. Sometimes 'the world' is just too much. And I just do not fit in at the moment.
Sometimes it helps me to give in to that. I stay home all day. Or two. Sometimes more if I need and can. Those longer periods are rare though.
I have a friend who does the same.
It's OK to want to be on your own, for any reason/feeling.


I've posted a song about this, here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2089.msg12889#msg12889
It gives me comfort in times like that.
And it gives me comfort that also Jamie Cullum has days like that.

Take care!

[KayFly]

Hey Ifeelsoalone  A biiiig

Thank you for stating your feelings so honestly. I hate days like that. I hate when I even get a wave of feelings like that. Its so overwhelming. It seems your mind has made one of those intense feelings go into a downward spiral of feeling that its you against the world.

Remember we are here for you and want to help you here, even though its people behind the keys of a message board.... And those feelings you get, even if they last for a whole day, are temporary.  It sounds so hard right now. I believe you can preserver through this but I know how hard it is. I have days/thoughts/feelings like this all the time.  You are not alone.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

[IFeelSoAlone]

Dutch Uncle, you asked what happens when I give into the need to shut people out and curl into a ball.  Honestly it depends on where my head is that day.  There are times when it is just what I need and it helps, other times it just deepens the spiral of chaos and makes things worse.  I can get lost in some of the darkest places in my head at times that it even scares me.  Yesterday and today have been some of the darkest places in a while.  I feel like my head is so full of chaos that it is only a matter of time before it explodes. It is like the pressure just builds and builds until there is nowhere for it to go other than out.

KayFly, You are correct when you said that it seems like my mind is in a downward spiral and I feel like it is me against the world.  I have spent pretty much my entire life believing this, and was never given a reason to believe otherwise.  Where was everyone to protect me when I was being sexually abused and raped on a daily basis? Where were people when I needed to talk, to be believed?  Where was the world when I tried to find justice and all I found was myself forcefully admitted to the psych ward in a hospital at the age of 15?  I mean, I have had to fight this all on my own.  It seems like the harder I fought the world, the harder it fought back.  I have never felt like I am meant to fit in anywhere anymore.    Depression has taken a hold of me and I can't seem to dig my way out.

Today I went to see my therapist (who I have been seeing for close to 8 years) and for the first time in a really long time she is VERY concerned about me and what is currently going on.  The look that she gave me was one that spoke volumes, she is afraid for me. I love my therapist, she is the first one that I have had that actually seems to care.  I have had many over the years and none of them seemed to actually give a damn about me.  Honestly I am not sure what she was thinking, but given the discussion I am sure that it may be better that I didn't know. I do not know how to put into words the things that I am thinking, and even if I did, I am sure they would get me in trouble.

[KayFly]

I hope you can find the same concern for yourself that your therapist has shown.  I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time.  Have you picked up Pete Walker's Book? Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving? I am almost done with it. It's been really helpful in identifying what is really going on when we get into those downward spirals and how to manage stuff like that.

I understand that feeling of depression, that feeling that you can't get out. Just know you are not alone. Thanks for being brave and reaching out and also great job on talking with your T about it. You are being proactive in taking care of yourself 

Keep up the good work. Hope you feel better.

[Dutch Uncle]

Dutch Uncle, you asked what happens when I give into the need to shut people out and curl into a ball.  Honestly it depends on where my head is that day.  There are times when it is just what I need and it helps, other times it just deepens the spiral of chaos and makes things worse.  I can get lost in some of the darkest places in my head at times that it even scares me.

Ah yes. I can relate.
Sometimes it helps to give in, and sometimes it makes it worse. And yesterday was one of those days where it would have gotten worse, right?
Awesome of you that you turned your attention away from it then, to us, to your T. 

Honestly I am not sure what she was thinking, but given the discussion I am sure that it may be better that I didn't know.

It's probably of little comfort, but it's very rare to actually know what somebody else is thinking. So possibly you think worse of what she's thinking than is actually the case. It must have been hard for you to witness that though. 

It's good you have a T that you do feel comfortable with, and have had such a longstanding bond with.
It's clear you have had to put up with a lot of serious abuse in your life, it's gut-wrencing to read. But I'm OK with you sharing that, IFeelSoAlone. Feel free to do so, whenever you want and can.

See you later!
Dutch Uncle.

[IFeelSoAlone]

KayFly, I have troubles showing myself concern and compassion.  I have always struggled with that part, even though people have told me otherwise several times.  I have not gotten a chance to get the book yet, I am awaiting the funds to do so.  I did ask my therapist about it though and she said that she thinks that it is a good idea for me to read.  I appreciate the recommendation,  and as soon as I can I will obtain a copy.  At this point I am so desperate that I am willing to try almost anything. 

I am so depressed right now in life that I am seriously having problems.  I cannot seem to get out of my head long enough to try to sort anything out.  Although, even if I could try to figure things out I am not sure that I would be able to do too much because I am really good at putting myself down.  I have troubles giving myself any credit for anything.  No matter how well I do something, or how hard I try at something it is not enough for me.   I tend to set unrealistic expectations for myself and then beat myself up worse when I don't achieve it.  I know, I am stupid.

Dutch Uncle-I am very comfortable with my therapist, I have been seeing her for eight years now.  She has seen me through a lot.  My grandma (moms mom) passed away in March of 2012, then my mom passed away unexpectedly on November 21st, 2013, and then grandpa (moms dad) passed away in December of 2014.  That is a lot of loss to go through in a short period of time.  My mom was only 55, she was all the sudden just gone.  My therapist is the only reason that I got through loosing mom, otherwise I would have shut down.  Now, I understand that even though my mom and I were super close and that I have anger towards her for letting what my brothers were doing to me continue, I still was not ready to loose her.  Mom and I started working some things out right before she passed and so now I am left with unfinished business. (Sorry, that was rambling and had nothing to do with what you said to me)

Yesterday was absolutely one of those days that had I shut the world out things would have gotten worse.  I tend to jump into a downward spiral of self hate and blame.  Yesterday, and even today are no different.  I am still in a very bad place emotionally and am struggling moment by moment to get by. I am lucky to have such a caring and understanding husband that just wants to be here to support me.  He understands that there really isn't anything that he can do to help other than listen when I need to talk and be a shoulder to cry on.  He is the core strength in the family right now.

I have rambled enough. Thanks for listening (reading) my word vomit.