Hi there

[lydde]

Hi everyone

I have been active on Out of the Fog for a while and now I just found this site and I think I might have CPTSD.

I grew up with an ignoring narcissistic mom, who never showed any signs of love or even caring about me or my siblings. We were pretty much on our own and the only thing she did was filling us up with guilt and shame. There was was plenty of psychological abuse and some physical abuse as well. My dad was depressed and very passive (probably also suffering under my moms abuse).

I started having anxiety as a child. At 11 I was convinced I had cancer and was going to die soon. I have no idea why. I told no one, just suffered alone. At this age I also had my first panic attacks. They came out of guilt about some stickers and other toys I accidentally broke or lost. It was guilt like "poor mom, she was so kind to buy this for me and I am so careless to let it break. Poor mom, she is going to be so sad because I don't appreciate what she did for me more than this".

At 16 I again got panic attacks. This time I thought I was going crazy and if someone found out, I would get locked in a mental institution. So again, I suffered alone.

At 23 I again got panic attacks, now worse than ever. It was a complete break down. This time I was convinced I would die from the attacks, they were so frightening. I had many panic attacks a day and in between I feared the next one. I started in therapy and got medication as well. I got the diagnoses: Panic Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety. In a few months I got a lot better.

It has now been 7 years since this break down and I still get severe anxiety at stressful times, and sometimes panic attacks. Most panic attacks happen at night. I wake up in this horror convinced I'm dying until I realize what is really going on. This happens maybe twice a month, sometimes more.

In romantic relationships I am really jealous, convinced that my bf one day will find someone better and leave me and I feel that I will die when that happens. I won't be able to handle the feelings. I also don't really have friends. I don't open up to people. I don't share much. I am convinced that nobody cares who I am or what I have to say.

So that was my story in short and why I am here. I look forward to learn more about this 

[Rrecovery]

Hi lydde and welcome!

Sounds like you've suffered a lot and are still suffering.  PAs can be part of EFs (emotional flashbacks) - check out the thread on EFs.  I hear how isolated you've been; this is a place where you can feel like you belong and to get and give support.  Glad you're here 

[Kizzie]

I don't open up to people. I don't share much. I am convinced that nobody cares who I am or what I have to say.

Welcome to OOTS lydde, most of us feel similarly lost and alone and crazy before we figure out it is CPTSD we are struggling with. 

I encourage you to have a good look around the forum so you will see what a safe and supportive environment this is and begin to feel OK about being open here.  Recovery isn't easy but it helps a lot to have a place where everyone "gets it" - the symptoms, the fears and anxiety, how the trauma from childhood invades the present ..... all of that you have been suffered alone with over the years. 

As Rrecovery suggests you may be having what are called Emotional Flashbacks. You might want to check out Pete Walker's site http://www.pete-walker.com/ - scroll down on the left to "Emotional Flashback Management."

We care very much here what you have to say   

[lydde]

Thanks for your replies. I have never heard about Emotional Flashbacks, but it sounds very much like something I could have. That's a real eye opener. It's nice to have an idea about why my feelings go crazy like they do. So thanks for pointing that out to me