[TW: SH] Discovering Sexual alter & motivations; what now?

[ws0116]

Hi all,

Im not sure if Im posting this in the right forum and using the trigger warning alright.. So any feedback is welcome really. Im kind of on the beginning of the road of exploring my diagnosis (DDNOS) with my therapist, and could kind of use support and other views >.<

The past few months I have been in this discussion with an alter (?) whether to come out and I think and hope this might be the time. As we both are looking for ways to release tension and ways of expression.

What I know about this alter is that it is a younger version of me, roughly around 19 years old. Wanting to get out of the pattern of taking care of everyone but feeling really stuck. The only outlet it has found was having anonymous sex with older men. Hearing his body was alright and he was an okay person reinforced this.

This pattern of taking care started with shifting the relationship with his parents to one where we would take of them and of our younger brother. Which slowly started to bleed out to our friends, also taking care of them emotionally.

My guess here is that someone in our system was really emphasizing on fixing everyone, this teen-alter grew tired of it and looked for escapes. It would explain a lot of lying to our parents about our whereabouts and the various discrepancies in behavior.

However, now at the age of 25, we have encountered some therapists and quite a lot of men. Also had quite some financial difficulties and still switching between "doing what's right", "go out and do whatever" and "stay in bed".

Last night however it seemed me and the teen alter had an interaction on this. As we were again encountering financial difficulties and him not being able to "go out and have fun". It seemed as if he recognized the body was tired, and it seemed as he wanted to show that he was lonely and sad through memories popping up. There was also this anger running through our body about these feelings and not being heard.

Also there was this vision of a much smaller version of me pulling at the hand of the teen-alter's hand, begging him not to go out and have another date that night.



So.. A lot of emotions. And still quite not knowing what to do without an alternative activity for the teen-alter. Does anyone have any info on substituting (potentially) harmful behavior. And like what would be the next step in doing such discoveries?

[Three Roses]

Hi - I don't have any insight for you but I wanted to at least give you my encouragement.

[ws0116]

Thank you Three roses <3 Coming to this forum and slowly starting talking about topics like these still feel quite unfamiliar. But having seen this is a lovely environment with people sharing stories and support, makes it somewhat more bearable. Your encouragement really adds onto this, so really.. thank you !

[Boy22]

Firstly I am assuming you are gay, if I am wrong it is because of my own biases and I apologise.

Your teen alter, I am wondering if by seeking older men he is wanting to be desired, to feel a sense of a secure anchor in the older man?

My therapist and I are working not on displacing the desires of the youger parts of me but instead hearing, caring and supporting them to trust that the adult me can make the right choices now and trying to reassure them it will all be good.

[milk]

I am unfamiliar with the symptoms of DDNOS but I can offer my experience of conversations in the past with people I care about, who were actively engaged in harmful behaviors —- and how I worked through my own harmful behaviors that came from growing up around codependent FOO and being a codependent in a relationship.

Speaking out loud about the harmful behaviors

Being aware of the (potentially) harmful behaviors and how it affects others (little you) is a way forward — once there is acknowledgement (spoken out in the open) then a discussion can happen to find a way through. This discussion involves listening and sharing —- being compassionate to one another’s situation. If there are minors (young adults as in your alter) involved, their safety comes first and sets the tone for any act/conversation. Seeking information online or in your local community about sexual health and responsibility is a start —- I am a fan of UCLA’s Sex Squad Site — lots of information there!

Taking time alone

Something that has helped me immensely when I feel intense emotion while wanting to take part in a healthy conversation; responding with an objective mind and compassionate heart—- is taking the time alone before the chat, to ask myself, what do I hope to gain from this conversation? How am I taking care of myself in this situation (boundaries?), what am I able to offer the other person?   

I hope you have found a way through this.
You are in my thoughts.

[Kizzie]

My therapist and I are working not on displacing the desires of the youger parts of me but instead hearing, caring and supporting them to trust that the adult me can make the right choices now and trying to reassure them it will all be good.

Hey WS0116, as Boy22 suggests I found working with my different parts in a compassionate, caring and supportive way helped me a lot. One book that I know one member here found really helpful you might want to look into is "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Janina Fisher.  There are also some books for working with the Inner Child on our "Books" page - http://www.outofthestorm.website/books-1/ that might be helpful.