joining forum, hoping to share & connect

[Dawning007]

Greetings All--This is my first post. Just the last couple months I have learned about covert narcissism and CPTSD. (I definitely agree that CPTSR, "R" for "response," would be a better label, btw.) Learning of these dynamics has both opened my eyes and thrown a spear straight through my heart. Ultimately, it's a healing spear, but ohh, it hurts. I realized years ago that the "golden child" in our family acted like a full blown overt narcissist and I've learned to stay away from him, at least as much as possible. But in being introduced to the concept of covert narcissism, I realize how committed (shall I say?) the whole rest of my family is to acting out their own more subtle and insidious versions of narcissism.

My big reveal/shock is that I am surrounded by narcissism and always have been! Now that I see these dynamics, I feel like I have lived my life in a den of vipers. I've always felt the injustices singled out just for me and piled high by every (living) family member. And now that I recognize their m.o.'s, I can also see the injustices. It's like I'm really seeing my life for the first time.

My mix of emotions is off the charts. I feel embarrassed for failing to have seen the rigged game. I feel foolish for having invested such an enormous amount of myself in my family. I feel disgust, anger. I feel deep, deep sorrow both for my own trove of lost life opportunities, and for my family members for choosing such an emotionally decrepit approach to life. My heart aches. I feel alone. I feel betrayed—I have been betrayed, systematically.

But, I also feel promise in finally coming to understand the single toughest, most grueling and enduring personal development challenge of my life. I definitely feel a river of compassion for who I am and what just 'being me' has cost me in my family of origin.
I also feel unspeakable relief. I feel a quiet pride in having survived as in tact as I have. And I feel a gurgling new happiness.  I feel as if I have made it through a years-long invisible gauntlet--that snarling, nasty, massively unjust, cruel, selfish, but always smiley-faced gauntlet that my very unhealthy family has systematically thrown up to try to stop me...from just being me!

Finally finding words for my feelings, understanding the abusive patterns, and coming to know that I'm not alone in this kind of experience is a heaven-send for me. I'm not out of the woods, yet, but I see a lot of light at the edge of these gnarly trees and am acting with steady vigor to get out.

I'm deeply grateful for all of you who have run your own gauntlets to be here and share and offer support—including those not active here, but whose written works offer positive influence. Hats off too all! I thank you in advance for your thoughts.

[Deep Blue]

Hey Dawning,
Your story sounds familiar to me.  Those "golden children" can take so much from all those in their path.  Glad to have you here on the forum and hope to hear more from you 

[Kizzie]

Welcome to OOTS Dawning, it sounds like you have  great insight into what happened to you and how to move  forward in recovery.      I hope the forum will be of some help with that 

[Three Roses]

Welcome! Thanks for joining us.

[woodsgnome]

Hi Dawning007  hope you find the info and people here to be helpful as you gear up to restore and create the better things you deserve.

I loved your reference to the 'healing spear' and its two-pronged quality of wounding followed by healing. Sometimes it's hard to see the healing part, but thanks for pointing it out. And I just loved how you hit at the crux of recovery by saying: "I definitely feel a river of compassion for who I am and what just 'being me' has cost me..."

I hope your 'river of compassion' will find its way to the open sea of possibility, to the day when you'll flow into a bright new world.

[Dawning007]

What a lovely, thoughtful response, woodsgnome. Your reading and responding attentively makes me feel heard. Thank you!!

I wish you, too, the very best of all healing, progress, and a rich, full life.