Time I got my act together...

[Rainagain]

I wish you well with this.

I am a habitual boss questioner, I'm also unemployed!

[Blueberry]

Yeah, this morning I'm thinking "It's time I got my act together and set off for work". At least I need to phone them and say I'm coming but just 'later'. Fortunately I work on my own at something that can be done any time of the day or night.

During the retreat I was recently on, the therapist reminded me not to speak hastily about this, and then that. He said to try and take it more slowly, pause and feel. So too here, feel the effect work is having on me, or the effect of the long cycle back and forth. Or why I feel as if this strange brew might be sloshing around in my guts. Eating-disorder related? Or something more emotional? Or both?

And also NTS take it slowly! I've been looking at job ads for P/T work (e.g. half-time) again, which isn't bad at all as an impulse but don't act on them yet. It's too early! More important to see what 'topics' this little job throws up at me and then how I deal with them. On Wednesday I saw a job ad for something else I could potentially do, would also be just one day a week and about 4-5 hours. It could be just the added stress of even considering it is making me reluctant to head off to my current little job. A sign of 'all too much'.

[Blueberry]

Yes, NTS re: above. On Saturday on the spur of the moment I spoke to the people looking for employee one day a week for what would actually be 8 hours, although there would be times when things very slow and you're just standing around. Still, it's a long time and for much of it I'd be on my own, after a few weeks being taught on the job. I can work pretty independently but 5-6 hours of it might be a bit much.

First I thought: you'll never know till you try. But today I'm thinking that it's good I'm not starting that one day a week this week because I've moved by new little 3 hour job onto the day for the 8 hour job since I didn't manage to get going this morning. I can do that with the 3 hour job. It's pretty flexible. For me that's a real bonus, since not making it to work or being late are common. I know it's not good, but it's still the way things are atm.

So going slowly here too is advisable! Apart from wanting to make a bit more money and become less dependent on FOO financially, part of my reason for wanting more work is to be able to show the world at large that I've made it, that I'm not a burden on society. Neither of those two are healthy reasons for me. "the world at large" is just a stand-in for FOO. Just adds pressure and further erodes my self-acceptance. Not good.

[Blueberry]

In other ways, I am getting my act together. As a self-employed person I have sent more invoices so far this year than the whole of last year, and it's only mid-May!! The amount contained in those invoices is more than in last year's too. I decided a few hours ago I should check that. NTS: worth checking.

[Blueberry]

In other ways, I am getting my act together. As a self-employed person I have sent more invoices so far this year than the whole of last year, and it's only mid-May!! The amount contained in those invoices is more than in last year's too. I decided a few hours ago I should check that. NTS: worth checking.

Yes, dear Blueberry, note this please!! That's why unemployment counsellors, disability counsellors etc all recommend that I keep going freelance and stay out of 'real jobs'. Yes, I'd like an employed position where employer is paying into social insurance for me but it just doesn't look as if that's going to be possible. Maybe in 5 years, but not now. And especially not with a 14 km bike ride to get there. But even without that I've had trouble before dragging myself out of bed to get to the bus stop to go a couple of miles. I can drag myself out of bed to work in my office, mostly. And if I can't, I cancel.

I get sick and exhausted with too much regularity to have an employer want to employ me. So, freelance work it is. And volunteer for payment-in-kind. Now I know I wouldn't manage an employed position at the farm either. It's useful to know.

[Blueberry]

Got my act together today and went and spoke to a potential employer. In a few weeks when the supervisor returns from her holiday I will be able to go and try the job out for a few hours to see if I think I can cope. If I can't, at least I'll know, and if I can, then well i'd have a small p/t job for a while. I've been considering this for a while so it's good I tried. I didn't even have to write a resumée or fill in an application form 

[radical]

 
I don't know if you want these.
You are doing brilliantly, imo

[Blueberry]

Yes, thank you, hugs are great.

[Blueberry]

Got my act together today and went and spoke to a potential employer. In a few weeks when the supervisor returns from her holiday I will be able to go and try the job out for a few hours to see if I think I can cope.

This is one of the people I've told in the past couple of days that I'm not fit for a job in the normal workforce. She appreciated my honesty and the fact that I got back to them about it.

Today I'm thinking it's time I got my act together and went up to the farm since I said I would. It's so late in the afternoon I'll have to work into the evening to complete my job. But then - as inconvenient as it is for them atm - I think I need to take a break for a week or so. Or possibly only go up next week with the market van which means it's a lot faster getting there and the job on that day is a little shorter than Mondays or Fridays.

I feel as if I'm old and sick and as if there's nothing left. I'm pretty sure it's because I've finally seen that I won't be able to support myself on the normal job market and also because some dreams I had (other than supporting myself) I won't be able to fulfill either. Like translating children's books and seeing them published. (It's not as easy as you might think, so no 'handy hints' please!)

[Contessa]

BB i just read this thread again, in light of your current posts for the 'Decision' thread.

I'm i dentifying more and more with your path. Your decision is completely understood.

I have been trying to 'get my act together' for years now. Lately when I do, the crashes are huge. I cannot be relied on to turn up when needed if there is a crash.

I get you.

[Blueberry]

Thank you so much for saying that, Contessa. I'm sorry you experience similar though.

[Blueberry]

I'm thinking it's time I got my act together and went up to the farm since I said I would. It's so late in the afternoon I'll have to work into the evening to complete my job. But then - as inconvenient as it is for them atm - I think I need to take a break for a week or so.

Today I feel I "should" go to the farm tomorrow because I said I probably would.  I really don't want to though, which means I'll put off going for hours. I feel I haven't done anything constructive today. That's not actually true at all. I read large amounts in both Pete Walker books and added comments in pencil as I went. Maybe tomorrow should just be a day for doing concrete things I've had in mind for a while, like oiling my bike chain, washing my hair, maybe even getting it trimmed.

Yesterday I cancelled an adult student because I was so tired, having not slept properly. When I start cancelling students, it's usually an indication that things are too much. They do appreciate my work at the farm, but they can do without me too. It would be good self-care to email them and turn down for tomorrow.

Maybe I need to just pull through in whatever way possible for a little while, just a few days really? On Tuesday I have therapy again which helps clarify a few things always, helps me move forwards. And then next Thursday I'm going on a 4 day bout of trauma-informed group therapy. After that I'll move forwards in ways I don't even know of yet

[Three Roses]

After that I'll move forwards in ways I don't even know of yet