Adult onset, childhood precursor

[Rainagain]

Not sure what I am trying to say but feel like posting.

I am not recovering, I am trying to figure out what has happened in my life to bring me to my current situation.

This site helps me by showing me the experiences of others, and the outcomes these experiences have produced in them.

I don't even seek recovery really, I will be satisfied with a good understanding, this is a precursor to acceptance of what is and of what has gone before.

I am thinking that my life has been particularly tragic and difficult, although I can see that perhaps life is generally difficult and tragic so maybe my experience is just life. Maybe the 'fault' is that I have been unable to step up and deal with tragedy in a way that also protected me from mental illness.

But I have repeatedly dealt with tragedy and evil, maybe that is more important than the personal negative consequences of dealing with the harsh things in life.

My dealings with tragedy and evil were not always pretty, but they were honest and done with as much dignity as I could manage, an honest attempt to counter the worst parts of life.

As a child I found life quite challenging, as an adult things got uglier.

So here I am in middle age carrying a lot of traumatic memories, with a wide range of symptoms.

But I did the things that needed to be done, along the way I protected others from the worst consequences of their actions and the actions of others.

Identifying the symptoms, understanding the causes of them and what behaviours they have produced is important to me. Its like solving a puzzle or a math problem, once you can work through it and solve it you can see all the steps and where they fit together.

Being here helps me to see the patterns in my life and where and how my weird collection of symptoms originated.

For those seeking recovery I hope you find it. But consider if acceptance is actually good enough, and maybe something everyone can aim at.

I think for me that is all I am looking for, to me recovery now would mean that I didn't put enough of myself in harms way back then, that I could have done more.

Survivors guilt.

But I know that is not the case, I put all I had on the line, and I can't expect to get it all back again.

I hope this doesn't come across as arrogant, I judge myself more harshly than I judge others. I am not filled with pride or self importance, I am just trying to understand.

And maybe be understood.

[Boy22]

I think you will find yourself understood here.

I can seriously recommend Pete Walkers book CPTSD from surviving to thriving.

[Three Roses]

For those seeking recovery I hope you find it. But consider if acceptance is actually good enough, and maybe something everyone can aim at.

This is where I am, too. At 62, and because my abuse started at a very young age, I'm wondering if there is anything I can do to help myself heal. I've been to therapists since I was in my thirties; they've helped me in seeing how I think, knowing a depressed thought from a "normal" one, recognizing when I'm in a prolonged depressed state; and a lot of other details. I've been reading and trying to follow the twelve steps for codependency since about then, too. And looking back I can see that I really bought into the "suck it up/just don't think about it" viewpoint, and as a result stayed in unnecessary denial.

And I know there are new findings about the brain's ability to change and heal. But I still wonder how much of that would be applicable to me.

Maybe I have changed/"recovered" enough and that's fine. Acceptance feels like something that is 100% attainable for me, and which would bring me peace and healing in itself.

[thetruth]

"Maybe the 'fault' is that I have been unable to step up and deal with tragedy in a way that also protected me from mental illness."


Rainagain,

Is it just me or does this sound like more symptomatic self criticism/ perfectionism?

Your statement sounds like more self undermining, considering the fact that you were afflicted by tragedy and evil.

Your title has really resonated with me. I will elaborate more later.

I am also finding this site really important for my mind considering what it has had to deal .

Sounds like you are currently at the low turn of the cycle?

[Rainagain]

Thank you for your replies, this is a significant post for me, it feels like a fundamental point somehow.

Boy22 - I might get Pete walkers book, although I thought it was about childhood cptsd. I've never understood the thing about inner and outer critics so I don't know if it will mean much to me.

Three roses - I think we are on the same wavelength on this, I've spent many years in confusion and denial. acceptance has to be the way to make sense of things, a way to calm the amygdala.

Thetruth- I'm actually not in a low point, I'm just trying to grasp what has happened. I was more worried about appearing arrogant than self undermining, funny!.

I have encountered evil, other people's nightmares have been my reality several times over the years. I have had tragedy and been victimised. What I meant was that I have responded to the trauma the best I could, if I now have mental health issues then its a shame but not a surprise really.

A better childhood, better support, fewer betrayals, less evil might have made a difference.

But I didn't have any of that, so accepting what happened and the resulting damage to me is what I'm trying to do now I'm in the land of the permanently impaired.

The counselling and meds I've tried haven't helped so I feel like acceptance is a key thing I can do for myself.

I actually feel mildly positive. Making sense of my symptoms, connecting them to the adverse life events, seeing myself for what I am, these are good things.

Without acceptance I don't think its possible to move forward, I've been stuck for so very long.

[Three Roses]

 

To me, acceptance isn't resignation, or giving up, or anything negative. It's simply seeing your current reality for what it is, and knowing that you are not inferior for feeling the way you've felt. It's understandable to be affected by trauma, betrayal, etc.

[thetruth]

Rainagain,

As you know I was in a lot of trouble in my head around June. One of the things that pulled me through was the purchase of Pete Walker's book. I didnt develop Cptsd or the Cptsd-like symptoms that Ive been managing for 5 years until I was 37 or so. Pete Walker's book spoke to me in so many ways. It had a profound effect on how I viewed the reality of my issues and how that reality had come about. Reading the book gave me real relief, something that had been very far out of reach for a very long time.

I am amazed you have not read it yet!