Feeling Worthless v.s. Self Expression

[goblinchild]

I'm feeling a complicated way. I'll do my best to make sense?

I used to be pretty expressive when I was little. I think, for me, the urge to be self expressive is very linked to feeling loved and liked? It kind of reminds me of that thing people say about your body is a temple. Some of the most beautiful buildings are places of worship. People decorate these places as an expression of how they feel about their religions. They feel beauty, and they express beauty! They see sacredness and they want the thing to look sacred. That's how I feel about visually expressing myself. When I'm in an environment where I can feel like people care about me, it comes out in how I express myself. I dress and act different. That feels like me. It feels like that's how life is supposed to be, somehow.

I desperately want to feel this way. I feel like it's necessary to get back to feeling that way in order to keep healing. Or at least, to experience it enough to understand it better. But right now, I really feel like I don't matter. In the environment I live in now, there's this reoccurring theme where my folks will be very expressive any time anything doesn't go their way. Like if their football team is doing bad, something they baked turns out wrong, someone stubs a toe, etc. But also- and this could be me projecting- it seems like they both act like ...their very wellbeing is threatened? Really easily? At the drop of a hat. Like if the tv service stopped working it's like I'm all of a sudden living with a caged tiger ready to fight for its life! Not because they seem angry, but they seem scared and defensive like their quality of life is being taken from them.

I think they believe that people have a god-given right to express their feelings, even when feelings are explosive and you end up treating others badly. I think they treat that as a given, so they assume you'll forgive them and understand that they could't help it even if they're acting really extreme, unpredictable or immature. When I'm in situations where my wellbeing IS actually threatened though, and I have any reaction besides inhuman amounts of patience and diplomacy, they completely loose it. They always have. Even when I've had reactions to little things, like stubbed toes, they treat me like I'm overreacting because I'm emotionally unstable. They act like they "understand" that I've had a "hard life" and because of that I might "overreact" to things because of "mental illness"? But when they act that way it's absolutely normal. I feel like I've always been treated that way in all aspects of life. I feel like people can treat me any way they want and do things they know will effect me and they just don't care. Even if it's merely convenient for them they'll make things inhospitable or dangerous for me.  I'm reminded of that all the time by things that happen every day. I try to fight it and I try to feel valuable and loved and like I'm a good person anyways but when I ask myself, "What do you feel? What do you want to express?" those feelings are the last things I want to express. The thought of expressing myself as if I thought I was valuable in any way is painful. I don't want to be reminded of how it feels to have people care.

Sometimes I try to go with what I really feel instead and I end up wanting to look as formidable and intimidating as possible. It doesn't make any sense, but I guess I feel like if I look closed off, I'll feel closed off. Maybe I'll feel like I have some power instead of feeling completely unwanted. I still feel kinda stunted and dead inside though. Half the time I change into boring tomboy clothes because just the act of trying to look any certain way makes me feel ridiculous. Tomboy clothes don't feel like they're trying to look a certain way. They feel like they're just existing and nothing more, like me.

[LilyITV]

I loved reading this post.   You are really a great writer. 

One thing you touched on that I felt deeply is the hypocrisy of how these people in your life react to upsets in their life strongly, but if you express similar emotions, then oh no, you are unstable, mentally ill, etc.  I feel this way around the people I work quite a bit.  It's sad because when you're in that kind of environment long enough, you start to actually believe all the things they say about you.