Letter to my Anger ...

[woodsgnome]

This reflection on personal/internalized anger, is inspired by reading about alternative approaches to journeying with the difficulties posed by cptsd/recovery. For instance, Pete Walker's suggestion that anger is not only okay, but can factor into the recovery process. So this is my take on that, I guess. One author (Matt Licata) suggested, odd as it seems, talking to those sore points in our lives that might turn out to be our round-about friends, not the enemies we always thought they were.

*Please note, this letter concerns internalized cptsd-derived anger only; and not the general anger that modern society seems to have plunged into, by itself maddening, sickening, and inexcusable.
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A Letter ...

Hi Anger, while it feels strange to say this, sometimes I'm finding the best way to deal with my leftover pain is to travel outside the box of 'regular' thinking. This is one of those times.

Usually uninvited, you've shown up; and helped me get past the deepest sorrows, allowing my natural emotional overflow to help with healing my hurts. So while it still sounds strange, I can at least acknowledge that, despite my discomfort about your presence, Anger, in the end you've actually been part of the balm I needed, too. Life can be strange that way, eh?

With you, Anger, I can choose to feel the hurt while not absorbing it so deeply. Without you, I wonder even more how I would have been able to endure so much, even in memory, for so long. I guess that's a rather tepid thank you. But I'd rather thank you than tolerate those you were protecting me from. You've allowed me to be me, even in the midst of so much pain and confusion. Maybe, by just accepting your presence, and yes--even by venting (internally), I'll no longer feel so torn up about the deep wounding of past experiences and their residual effects today.

Perhaps the best take on our relationship is this little story: A sage was asked, "What is Anger?" His simple, wise answer was: "Anger is punishment that we give ourselves, for someone else's mistake."

So it's okay, Anger. It's quite natural for my angry feelings to have arisen considering what happened to me. I've done it often, undoubtedly it'll happen again; albeit most of my anger occurs internally, it can still build like a raging inferno filled with inexplicable pain and self-blame for things I had no control over. When in fact that shame should fall entirely on those abusers who used me as their personal puppet/rag doll/punching bag.

So you're still around, Anger. But I can change my relationship to you. As you never were my enemy, but your presence provided a means by which I could somehow respond to the challenge of living through all the years of senseless abuse.

Told you this might seem strange. It is, in the normal round of things; but I've learned it helps to consider even the most unlikely thoughts in seeking to get past some enormous roadblocks.

[signed] Your acquaintance, Woodsgnome.

[radical]

So happy to read this.  Anger is our defender.  It also comes to the defence of others.

You so needed, and continue to need and deserve defence and protection. 

[Three Roses]

I'm happy to read this, my friend. As usual your insights are thought provoking and validating, so thanks. ♥️

Anger sure does get a bad reputation in our society. But I've come to think that it is only its expression that is good or bad. You can feel angry without hurting yourself or others, and in fact anger may be a necessary emotion to help motivate us to make changes in our circumstances.

Thanks for your post!

[the mirliton]

Woodsgnome,
As always your keen writing ability articulates your thoughts so clearly on your posts.
Anger. 
I have been really struggling with it, especially these last couple of days. Perhaps it  might not have to get so intense if I would just acknowledge its presence? I direct any and all negative feelings, especially anger, inward. Nothing like feeling that way over and over and over...
Thank you for sharing.

[woodsgnome]

Thanks, Mirliton ...

Even if one accepts its presence, anger has a tendency to get intense. It will naturally cause an uneasy feeling and it's also persistent. But as long as it shows up, I felt that regarding it differently might help me take a step in developing self-compassion. The basic difference is to no longer regard anger as a dire enemy -- it's only the messenger of something else terribly wrong.

I can't stand it, but it's not the anger that's the problem; the abuse to which it's responding is the real culprit. The anger itself results from a natural chain reaction caused from a sense of being hurt. As a messenger, anger isn't by itself the problem; it's bad effects originate long before it flares into action.

To some it probably doesn't make sense. By the same token,  the original abuse didn't make any sense whatsoever. So while I might feel temporarily angry, by accepting its presence and then transcending it into self-compassion first, I accept anger's natural presence but can also allow and nurture self-compassion as a first step towards healing. It also helps to recall that anger is traveling through; that I am not the anger itself.

Eventually the anger steps aside; in the end my dismay is focused on the original wound and not the anger itself. And I try to remember to stay present to my needs -- often including my need to vent. Not easy, it hurts, but that's neither the fault of anger or of myself. The real work comes in healing the tendency to fall back to self-blame instead of self-compassion.

Anger is thus a part of developing self-compassion, but not the whole story.