This time I broke...again...it never ends

woodsgnome · August 16, 2018, 06:08:33 PM

Okay, I was getting kind of used to the parade of miserable clergy abuse stories that crop up regularly. Did I say I was getting used to? I'm a bit shaky to even fathom how to describe my present mood, but it's not good--flashbacks, loads of tears, lots of anger, and utter loneliness. I'm usually reasonably okay now, but the recent news out of Pennsylvania in the States opened the floodgates yet again. I never know when this will set me low, but this has, yet again.

While I had major abuse going on at home, combined with 13 'religious' school years I'm still in that constant flux of trying to tread lightly lest the memories do me in. I've gotten to the point where I can feel somewhat confident at having learned how to live in this yucky survivor mode (we're talking a 40-year time span!). And then...I never know how these new reports will upend all that work. Sometimes I just avoid them but not always.This has been one of those days where I'm on the edge again. The triggers run close to the surface; and today they popped.

There's a bit of irony in that I've kind of recovered a spiritual identity I can accept. But nothing can prepare for how these reports can reignite the emotional/physical queasiness to points where trauma doesn't come close to describing what it's really like.

Can't really go on, not much to say; just hope folks didn't mind my trying to unload a little of the pain this way.

Hope67 · August 16, 2018, 06:22:46 PM

A gentle and supportive hug to you Woodsgnome, if that's ok

- the Pennsylvania news will have been understandably so triggering - wishing you strength and whatever you need to cope with this at the moment.
Hope

Kizzie · August 16, 2018, 06:47:45 PM

I am truly sorry this news has triggered you so badly Woodsgnome. I heard one of the PA survivors talking about feeling relief and that he is no longer alone, but that at the same time it is incredibly difficult to have it out in the open.

It matters that you and so many others went through this. The truth is coming out, but imo it's action that counts. I don't think the pope has responded yet which speaks volumes about the desire to keep hiding/deflecting. But how long can they keep the law at bay I wonder? I hope that the catholic church (and other religious organizations and perpetrators who cover up CSA) will be held legally accountable far more often. Implementing financial and criminal penalties are the only real answer to stopping CSA.

According to one of the people I heard on the news, more and more CSA survivours are finding one another online, pushing for action and starting to have success because they are such a large group. (How awful is it that there are so many CSA survivors?

) You are not alone and I hope that helps.

Sending much care your way

Blueberry · August 16, 2018, 07:27:06 PM

I'm sorry you're so triggered by all of that woodsgnome, though it's not surprising considering your story. I'm sending supportive

if they're good for you atm.

the mirliton · August 16, 2018, 07:32:37 PM

Hello Woodsgnome,
Just wanted to send you some healing thoughts to help replace the

and

that can invade our calm when we least expect it and are triggered (happens much too often to me when reading the news!)

(speaking for myself, a good, from the ragged depths of my soul

sometimes can help me to hang tight until my storm of thoughts/feelings passes)

Jdog · August 17, 2018, 12:38:26 AM

Woods gnome-

So sorry for your pain, and for the echo that is happening at this moment. The cruelty, the coverups, the denial - it's all just too much and so unfair. May you feel some peace, know that thee are many of us surrounding you and offering support.

woodsgnome · August 17, 2018, 05:22:18 PM

Thanks to those who stayed with me on this. It helps to have people like you to help me find any comfort out of the senseless misery created by those who've hidden behind their veneer of holiness. In effect they were blaspheming their own stated message by their twisted actions. That they destroyed so many lives in the process doesn't bother them in the least--getting caught was the only crime they can see.

I remember a recent session with my t when this came up, as it often does. I recall telling her of how, okay, being abused by these sorts of people has made me more discerning about what real spirituality consists of. But know what? I'd trade that 'gift' in a nano-second for the peace of not knowing any of what they did.

Yesterday I was desperate for some sign of peace. Just hearing of this sort of thing sets my whole being back to square one, it seems. So your messages helped me see that there are also real people who help each other in finding their way home to love. In my darkest times, I'd given up on ever trusting anyone about these feelings; so reading your responses was a priceless gift, and I can't thank you enough.

Jdog · August 17, 2018, 10:14:37 PM

You deserve only kindness, support, and love.

Kizzie · August 18, 2018, 05:06:31 PM

and many

Woodsgnome.

sanmagic7 · August 19, 2018, 07:10:24 PM

wg, the horror of what has gone on behind the scenes of religion and spiritual guidance is appalling, to say the least, and my heart goes out to you that this continues to come up in the news, that more and more of this perpetration is showing itself, and especially that nothing tangible is being done. every single one of these people belong behind bars, at the very least.
rhetoric is nothing but hot air.

i know a few people who, because they had no other recourse, wrote letters to their churches where they were abused, and sent them. altho nothing really came of it in the way of a satisfactory response (or any response), they did feel good about getting some of the crapola out of themselves that they'd had to live with all these years and put it back where it belonged. just a thought.

otherwise, i just hope you are able to find a way to feel safer in your mind. you so deserve that, and i'm so very glad you've been able to let out some of the pain here. we are all here for you, always. love and safe hugs to you my friend.

Kizzie · August 20, 2018, 04:40:52 PM

How are you doing WG?

woodsgnome · August 20, 2018, 05:32:44 PM

Thanks, Kizzie, for asking about my emotional aftermath.

Not well is the short answer, but that's normal--once those flashbacks pop again, they tend to have staying power for a long while after. Sure enough, I have a therapy appointment tomorrow so perhaps that will soothe the aftershocks some.

I usually deliberately avoid

much of the news on these. But this time the only report I saw featured 3 victims' reactions, and the shame/grief/anger were so evident I just...lost it.

Kizzie · August 20, 2018, 06:08:01 PM

I hope your appt helps.

Lricord · November 04, 2018, 06:01:01 PM

I just came on this site and read your post. I hope you've found some relief. I understand too well how intense that type of trigger is. Seems as if it's one that burns in to our very soul and yes it does cause quieziness as it leaves a fear that never seems to completely go away. I too have have found my own spiritual path but it gets over shadowed by that old fear of wondering if I'm wrong in my beliefs. I find writing my true beliefs on paper helps allow me my beliefs. Even saying a belief out loud sometimes helps. Reinforces that we alone own our beliefs. I do finally see that my families religion was a major source of abuse as it becomes for many. Many hugs for you as you try to heal.